Thoughts, dreams and fears

Well, I'm feeling a whole lot better about the Z situation. It did hurt at first but the last couple of weeks have dulled that feeling. I have been hanging out with a new guy B, who is fun and really cute. I'm not really sure where it's headed (if anywhere). At the moment I'm in a weird frame of mind, I'm feeling pretty despondent. Everything seems hopeless right now. I can't decide what to do with my life. Should I save for a house or should I travel? Should I move out of home? The thing that's bothered me the most is that I got a message from my ex the other day, asking if we could meet for a chat sometime this week (out of the question). It's been 7 months, I don't have anything to say to him that he'll want to hear, but apart from that I just don't feel strong enough to face him. Why is that? Why can 7 months go past and right now I can say that if I saw him I would most definitely break down and cry? I think because deep, deep down it still hurts and I don't understand why I can't just feel nothing. I know we're definitely not right for each other, we definitely won't be getting back together. I just don't want it to hurt anymore.

I've been in such a bad mood tonight, snapping at my family and I don't want to be this way. Inside I feel completely unhinged and powerless to stop this awful mood I'm in. I hate feeling like this. I'm also sick at the moment too which probably doesn't help.

I'm so bored with life that I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I thought going skydiving would change the way I've been feeling about life in general, that maybe if I injected a little excitement into it that that feeling would last me for a long time. But it didn't. It was fun, but it didn't get the adrenaline pumping as much as I'd hoped it would. And that worries me. I don't know what's going on inside of me, it's a really confusing time and I'm not sure how to fix it.

Isn't it funny how quickly things can change from great to just plain crappy?

Z came down for the weekend and I have to say he was even better in person than I imagined. I had a great time with him. To me things just felt right. Last night I came home and felt sad about him going home today because I've loved having him around. Well anyway, today he had to go home and he broached the subjetc of "us" and to be honest at first didn't understand what I was hearing. When he said "I still want to talk to you" I realised it was a blow off! Great! Basically he is confused about things with us so that makes him think (quite rightly) that that's a no for anything more to happen between us at the moment. Then he asked what I thought and of course I felt the exact opposite and had NO idea what to say, I was totally stumped. And hurt. I just wanted to walk away so he wouldn't realise I was upset. Last night I had a think, laid awake for ages thinking this guy is just awesome and for the first time in a long time, I saw things clearly. There's no one else I want apart from him. And to hear him say he felt a different way hurt me so much. Totally not his fault. I'm glad he was honest but I am upset, that a while ago he pushed me to open up to him about alot of things so I feel like he knows me better than anyone, yet to have him come here and meet me then say he doesn't see it going any further is such a kick in the face. Who did he expect to meet? I am me, I can't be anyone else. I guess I could have asked him more just so I know, but I was so upset I just wanted to get away from him. I haven't hurt like this for a long time. Now instead of feeling numb inside like I have for so long, I feel hurt. I don't know which I prefer.