It’s been a strange couple of months…it’s almost 5 months since my break up. I’ve been okay, been on a few dates with some really nice guys but nothing spectacular.
The best was R. He was a couple of years younger then me, I wouldn’t normally go for someone younger than me, but this guy was awesome! We went out for tea, 10-pin bowling then we went for a drive, stopped a few places along the way and just talked. I didn’t want the night to end! He was a perfect gentleman, always opening the car door for me (I have never had that before!) and insisting on paying for everything. The only downside (which proved to be a major one later on) was that he had only just recently broken up with a long term girlfriend…he decided to go back to her! I was disappointed because he was great, but at the same time it opened up my eyes to the fact that there are these great guys out there. I told one of my friends that it was the best date I’d ever been on and she felt sad that I had been in a relationship for 5.5 years and that guy couldn’t made me feel like that. So true. I deserve to feel like that all the time.
Throughout this time I have still been thinking about S. I know it doesn’t make any sense to waste my time thinking about him – he did, after all blow me off after a few dates. But on Valentines Day he sent me a message and asked how I was. I was totally shocked because that was way out of the blue. He explained that he had gone all weird after bumping into his ex-girlfriend who had a new boyfriend, then he felt confused because he was jealous about that but he liked me too…and that he does want to see me again…well I’m still waiting…
Meanwhile, I went on one date with another guy (after S had fallen off the face of the earth), we had a lot in common and talked for a couple of hours but I felt absolutely no spark at all. I feel like it’s something that needs to be there from the start. If there’s no chemistry then I feel it would never work.
I went on 2 dates with another guy A. Before the first date I was in a bad mood and REALLY didn’t want to go – I don’t know if it’s because I’m still hung up on weird S to be open to the fact that there might be someone else out there I’ll like even more – anyway I went along, and he was really nice. Again no spark. But when he asked me out again I thought I’d give it one last shot. My first thoughts were right though, and I didn’t feel a spark. In fact I was hoping he wouldn’t make a move on me at all – not a good indicator!!
For the last maybe 4 months I have been emailing this guy “Z”, we seem to have a lot in common. Apart from the fact we live 5 hours apart…anyway he seems great. This all started off as a “pen pal” type relationship but now we’re both wondering if there could be something more. He wants us to meet, and he’s willing to come to my town and meet me in the next couple of months. I’m really excited by this prospect, but S is still in the back of my mind. I don’t want to have feelings for someone (Z) who lives so far away and who I’ve never met but at the same time I don’t think he’s like any guy I’ve ever known. And I think I’ll wonder what could have been if I don’t meet him while I’ve got the chance.
Then tonight, I get a message from S, asking how I have been. I’m really not sure why he messaged me to tell the truth. He said he’s been a bit down lately (but didn’t go into details) but he’s on the way up now…but as for the purpose of it all, I have absolutely no idea. I feel like saying "what the bloody hell is your problem" but I've resisted...
I’m so confused. Why do people have to play games like this? Can you not just be interested and act like it, or if you’re not interested then say so? I’ve had to tell a couple of guys that I don’t see things going further, but I’d rather be up front and honest than lead them on because that’s just mean.
Things at work for a while were going really crap with this colleague I haven’t been getting along with. So much so that it was to the point that I was on the verge of panic attacks going to work and I had totally lost my appetite because I was so stressed out and lost a couple of kilos. Not great considering I don’t really have any spare kilos to lose. I ended up going to my doctor and explaining the situation. I wanted it noted down that I had been to see him about this issue if anything were to happen at work – any complaints I’ve had there have fallen on deaf ears so I wanted an outsider to know about it. He was very sympathetic and concerned for me. He actually wanted to call my work to discuss it with him but I asked him not to – they don’t care and they don’t have time for these issues. He said that he wanted me to come back in 2 weeks because if things hadn’t improved he was going to put me on workcover and not let me go back there. I definitely didn’t want that. He also prescribed me some antidepressants and I was really sad about it. After everything I have ever been through, how could something like this break me? I took them for 2 days and that was it. In those 2 days I felt so sick, so strung out and more depressed than I have even been in my whole life. He warned me that I would feel worse before I felt better but I knew if I was going to get through this, I had to beat it on my own. When I looked in the mirror I barely recognized the person staring back at me. My pupils were hugely dilated and I looked like a wreck because the tablets had kept me awake. By the end of the second day I didn’t feel sad but I didn’t feel happy. I didn’t really feel anything. I think that’s what it feels like to be numb and I hated it. The next day was a Monday and I didn’t take a tablet. I went to work and was feeling really out of it until about lunchtime when it finally wore off. I felt really excited to feel like “me” again. I don’t need that stuff.
One of the doctors at work actually took her aside and had a chat to her about her attitude towards me. Since then she has been so nice to me, this has been going on for over a month. I don’t know what was said but I’m completely dumbfounded that she has managed to do a complete backflip and act like my best friend. Work has been so pleasant though and I’m feeling a hell of a lot better.
I have realized lately, my life has reached a stagnant point at the moment. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I’m confused about my love life (if you could even call it that). But mostly, I am bored with my life in general…so I made a decision, and that is that I am going skydiving! It was meant to be this weekend, but they had to move it to next weekend. That was a bit disappointing. I’m more excited and not the least bit nervous. Might be a different story when I’m 10,000 feet in the air.
I also think I need a holiday before I start my new job, and I’m thinking of maybe going on an adventure Contiki tour of New Zealand. But I’d also like to go to the US next year so I think I should save my money for that instead and not have a holiday this year…I don’t know, I’m all over the place at the moment.
I have still been hearing from the ex on and off lately. I wish he would just move on. Meet someone really great that he has fun with and leave me alone. Despite all the crap he has put me through, I just want him to be happy.
