Insight
It is now 6.5 weeks post break up and it still hurts. Some days are better than others. I have been hearing from him a bit lately. He is shocked I don’t want to get back together and help him get off the drugs. All I could say is that I was there for him for 5 years, he could have spoken to me at any time about it. And the fact that he hasn’t even been around hurts. How can I ever think he’s sincere about wanting me back if he hasn’t even come around? I miss him terribly but at the same time, the things I don’t miss is being stuffed around, hurt, lied to and taken for granted. He said he hasn’t been around because I said I didn’t want to get back together, although the first time we spoke was about 2 – 3 weeks after the break up. If I meant that much to him surely he would have been on my doorstep begging for my forgiveness. He said to me “Well you have been around to see me” – I WASN’T THE ONE THAT STUFFED THIS UP!!!! He doesn’t get it! If I meant that much I’d hear from him everyday, not occasionally when he’s bored or whatever.
But I’m ready to move on. I signed up to a dating website, I think I’m ready to date but not for a serious relationship. I didn’t put a photo on there, and yesterday I got a message from a guy…my ex’s workmate/kind of friend…what are the odds?! He seems like a really nice guy from the few times I met him but I also don’t want to hurt my ex. How stupid is that? He didn’t consider me in any of his actions. What to do? Come clean with this guy or ignore his messages!?? Awkward!
I’m amazed by my own strength through all of this, the ex wanted to meet somewhere to talk (he’s suggested it a few times) but I’ve said no, I just can’t see him. It would be too hard to face him and feel that hurt all over again, and feel vulnerable and decide the relationship really wasn’t that bad after all…
I was talking to Mum the other day about it all and she was saying that my family were really concerned that I couldn’t see what he was doing to me, I said “Mum, I knew what was happening, I could see the way he treated me and I knew it wasn’t perfect or ideal. But when you’re in that kind of relationship no one can make you believe it until you’re ready yourself to stop being in denial about it”. I think it’s a fear of thinking you won’t survive without this person you’ve become so close to. Fear of the unknown. But enough was enough. If I didn’t have enough respect for myself to say “I don’t like what you’re doing or how you’re treating me” then how could I ever have expected him to respect me?
There’s a lot of things I miss, a hell of a lot. But these are some of the things he did to me that I just can’t believe I allowed him to.
The time I did tap dancing for a year, he was meant to come to my end of year concert but after the performance, I sat there on the stage and looked out into the audience and saw it; 1 empty seat next to my parents. Shattering.
The time he was going to go to some sort of pub crawl on my birthday (I wasn’t invited) and I got upset because it was my birthday after all, and he said “Fine I won’t go to the do but don’t expect me to do anything with you”.
The time I went to his work Christmas party and he didn’t introduce me to anyone and I sat on my own for most of the night close to tears. I’m painfully shy and he knows that but still basically dumped me soon after getting there.
The times I’d go to his house (like every night) and if I was “late” (eg after 8pm) he would be cranky about it, not understanding that it’s me going to his house and he should be grateful.
The times he said he would come over and either called that day to say he couldn’t come because he’d had a tough day and wanted a drink, or the couple of times he didn’t call and I sat here like a fool waiting for him to arrive.
The time I told him I didn’t like the guy he was hanging around with (really into drugs) and he said “I’m not going to lose my friends just because I’m seeing someone”. Hurtful because you’d think after a year I’d be more than just “someone”.
I have to keep reminding myself of these things that hurt so much because otherwise I’ll just start to change my mind about it all. That can’t happen. I still love him and I’m sure a part of me will keep loving him.
But enough is enough.
