I have just had a very shitty night…
I went out for tea with my boyfriend and his mate. I had a minor argument/discussion with my boyfriend about the fact he owes me money yet somehow has money to spend at the pub, his mate thought that was being “trivial”. WTF? Excuse me but if he owes me money I EXPECT that it’s paid to me BEFORE all the beer drinking, then he can do whatever the hell he wants with his money. And especially because I had told him, I NEED that money this week. So I walked off because I was angry and upset and I would prefer to be that somewhere else on my own instead of in front of my boyfriend and his drunk mate. I went off to cool down. They came looking for me & said tea had arrived so I went back to eat, mind you I didn’t have much of an appetite by that point. Stressing out and feeling upset does that to me. So I’m TRYING to eat but half way through it I’d had enough. Drunk mate proceeds to tell me “Eat your tea, you’re skinny. Guys don’t like skinny” at which point I said “I don’t really give a shit what guys like” and he goes “Yes you do. Why did you walk off before if you don’t care what guys think?” I said “Because I was upset” and he kept going on which upset me again. (For the record, I am tall & thin, I always have been and I can’t put on weight no matter what I do. I’ve had tests to make sure my thyroid is functioning properly which it is. It’s just a matter of having a fast metabolism…for now. I used to feel like I was too skinny, being teased my so-called friends did that to me but now I feel comfortable in my own skin. And I’ve never been out to impress anyone. I am me, people can take it or leave it).
Me and my boyfriend left soon after that and went back to his place.
His car somehow “broke” today, I didn’t question how it happened because the car is old and has been playing up lately. He had it on ramps at his house after it happened to try and see what was wrong. So when we got to his house he decides he needs to get it off the ramps because it was sitting half way in the garage and he couldn’t shut the garage door. It wouldn’t budge. My own expert opinion is that the rear brakes were locked on. By expert, I mean I have no mechanical aptitude whatsoever, to me it looked like the back wheels just wouldn’t roll, hence the locked brakes theory!
His drunk Dad came out to try help push it off the ramps and got flustered, started abusing my boyfriend and saying “It’s because you’re a dickhead and drove drunk to the river and driving around like a dickhead”, WHAT??? At this point I wandered off. I hate witnessing any verbal slinging match because it’s unpleasant and disturbing (I have witnessed many fights between my boyfriend and his Dad which often ends up with my boyfriend in tears. This hasn’t happened for a long time though). After his Dad finished carrying on he went inside. I thought it was a great time for me to leave but had to ask the question, “Were you drink driving?” to which he said no.
I’d like to believe him but unfortunately for me my mind goes into overdrive and my inner detective starts piecing together the scene.
He went to the footy in the afternoon. I called him while he was there and he sounded half drunk. I said “Can you please not be drunk tonight”, he said “I’ll try, but I’m already half drunk”.
He drove to the footy.
But claims he didn’t drink.
Right.
I know him well enough to know he couldn’t go to a footy game, at 3pm in the afternoon & not drink. Apart from that he also TOLD me HIMSELF that he was half drunk. He now claims he was joking.
So if the car was working then, he must have gone to the river AFTER the footy.
I asked “What did you go to the river for?”.
“Just for a walk. To look at the river”.
A walk!??!!
So he took his brother and mate to the river for a romantic stroll and while he’s simply parking the car it BREAKS??
Smells to me like drunken burnouts and a buggered transmission.
And a liar.
I called him up after I left and asked him if he thought I was an idiot.
No, he doesn’t.
So I say “Can you please tell me the truth about it all?”
His reply, “I did. I didn’t drink at the footy. I wasn’t drink driving”.
Which made me very angry. I told him he was backed into a corner and I knew the truth however I wanted to hear it from him.
Then he got angry that I was “going off”, just like his Dad. We argued a little longer then he hung up on me.
I hate being lied to. I’d rather have someone tell me the truth no matter how much it hurts, than be lied to. I’ve told him this time and time again.
And I can’t believe he’d be so damn stupid to be drink driving. I actually helped him get his licence (because before me, he didn’t have one), long hours of trying to get his hours up so he could go for his P’s, which he now has. He’s on zero alcohol level. So if he is drink driving it’s a kick in the face for me. I certainly didn’t help him get his licence so he could drive around drunk and risk people’s lives.
But the lying, I just can’t handle that.
Trust is the most important part of a relationship. If he can lie to me about this, what else is there I don’t know?
I was upset before but now I can’t feel anything. I feel indifferent. I’ve been feeling so strange lately, like I’m not me anymore. It’s like someone else has taken over my body and I can’t feel anything. Things I should be excited about, I don’t feel anything for. What’s happened to me? I hate feeling so numb inside. I’m all over the place. I was contemplating about going to see a counselor, but I’ve been to one years before. It didn’t help. In the end I had to pull myself out of my little black hole, caused by “compound grief”.
But now, what’s the cause of this? My relationship had been going well until tonight’s hiccup. Professionally I’m going very well also. I have a great family and friends. I have no worries.
So why do I feel like I’m out of control?
