Thoughts, dreams and fears

There’s a girl I know of who is quite a bit of a tart, and incredibly stupid.

 

She sleeps around (A LOT!!!), even had a stint with a married policeman, numerous times in public.

 

The worst part is she never uses protection, not even with a new partner.

 

Stupid, stupid, STUPID girl.

 

When her friend said to her “You’re being so stupid”, she replied “No, it’s ok.  I’m on the pill”.

 

WHAT?!

 

I can’t believe in this day and age people can be so damned ignorant!!

 

Never mind the nasty STD’s or HIV/AIDS.

 

At least she won’t get pregnant, because the pill is so foolproof…

 

She’ll probably end up on one of those talk shows seeking a DNA test for the father of her kid as she has so many guys on the go she won’t have a clue who it belongs to!!!!

 

I just want to slap some sense into her…

Awkward situations…

 

Don’t you hate them.

 

Was standing a couple of metres away from Brad yesterday and STILL couldn’t pluck up the courage to even say “Hello, how are you?”.

 

I don’t know why this guy has got me so wound up.  It’s driving me insane.

 

My boyfriend says not to worry about it, it was a long time ago.

 

But it does bother me.

 

I said to myself “Today, I am going to say hello”.

 

And I did.  Gave him a big smile and said “Hello, Brad”.

 

I felt instantly relieved that I was able to acknowledge that yes I remember you and I’m not going to be awkward about something I did five years ago!

 

I think he’s equally as shy as me.

 

You know the thing I said about the past coming back to haunt me?

 

Pulled up at the lights yesterday, next to an ex.  What are the odds, considering I haven’t seen him for a long time!  The last time we spoke, I had a big falling out with him so we haven’t even spoken for a long time.  Yet he here was, waving at me and showing off in his hotted up car.  I had to laugh.

 

Some things never change.

The other day, at my work, I came face to face with someone who was the spitting image of an old boyfriend.  Bleached hair was the only thing different about him.

 

I couldn’t be sure it was him.  He moved away five years ago and he would have no reason to come back here.

 

But when I saw this guy, I felt…nothing.

 

Nothing at all.

 

I feel like the past is coming back to haunt me.

 

So today, I opened up a padlocked box full of diaries, letters and mementoes from the last eleven years.  I don’t often look in that box.

 

I had written in my diary a fair bit about this guy, and according to these entries, I loved him a lot.

 

How can it be that I don’t remember just how much?

 

Do you just let go of the past and forget the ones you cared about?

 

And how come I’m not the same person I used to be years ago?

 

I feel like I’m older than I should be.

 

I’ve lost something.

There’s one thing I really regret.

 

Years ago, in my youth I “dated” (if you could call it that) an army guy.  Big mistake.  The “relationship” consisted of lies as to why he couldn’t come into town to meet me, despite that fact buses left his barracks every so often through out the day and night.

 

I’d had enough of that relationship and thought it was over.

 

At the same time, and months prior to that, I had a huge thing for my workmate Mud.

 

This was a very confusing time for me.

 

One night I went out with my sister and her friends.  I bumped into Mud’s brother Luke so I hung around all night with him and his friends.  They plied me with drinks and I was having a fun time. 

 

Flash forward to the dance floor and I don’t even know what or how it happened, but I was kissing Mud & Luke’s friend Brad!

 

This was completely out of character for me.  I don’t just kiss anybody.  But I was enjoying kissing this nice guy who made me feel so good.

 

There’s just no excuse for what happened next.

 

Luke found out what had happened and started making fun of me, then was trying to convince me to pursue Mud, who also happened to like me as well.

 

I felt bad about the whole situation, and confused as to why I was kissing Brad, so I just kind of wandered off, back to my sister.

 

Brad followed (confused as you can imagine) and I said to my sister that he was following me around.  I’m pretty sure she told him to go away (of course not realizing what I had done).

 

We were out the front of the pub later, about to head home and Brad came up and said “So what’s the go?”, I said I didn’t know, then Luke took him so they could head home.

 

And that was it.

 

The thing that’s bought this incident from 5 years ago back up is that I’m doing some data entry at this company, and Brad works there.  He actually smiled at me the other day and I half smiled back, not quite sure who he was (he had completely different hair color when I knew him, and he now wears glasses) but knowing I’d seen him somewhere before.

 

Horror hit me later on that afternoon when I realized who he was.

 

I know it was a long time ago, but I can’t believe that I treated someone like that.  I can’t get over the fact I was so cruel to him, for no reason.  He was a perfectly nice guy and I don’t regret kissing him at all, but I’m certainly very ashamed of how I treated him after.

 

And now I’ve been thinking about it for days.  I felt so guilty and ashamed.

 

The stupid thing is, maybe he doesn’t even think of it anymore.

 

But maybe he does.

 

I don’t know.

Whenever it’s a nice day outside, I always say to myself “What great day to be alive”.

 

Sometimes I don’t think we realize how lucky we are to be here.

 

A friend told me today that a 21 year old brother of her best friend just died of a brain tumour.  He’s younger than me, and now he’s gone.

 

We don’t have much time here. 

 

In the blink of an eye, a life is taken.

 

I always make a point of never leaving anyone on bad terms. 

 

You just never know what’s around the corner.

Do you believe in ghosts?  The supernatural?  The dark side?

 

I was discussing today with someone all that stuff, and she said that the fear of the unknown is what makes her believe.  I thought that was a great explanation. 

 

I guess some things you don’t ever want to witness, therefore you believe blindly.