Thoughts, dreams and fears

Feb 17, 2008 at 12:02 o\clock

Update...

by: princess_pia

I’m in a weird place at the moment.  I just spent a month overseas (which was fantastic) and got back 3 days ago.  D & I were seeing each other again casually before I left and I was worried about him while I was away – when I left he was in a really bad way financially and emotionally, but I’m happy to report I have come back to find he is much happier, in a better (not great, but getting a handle on things) financial state, and he missed me!

I wish I could say that life is rosy but that’s far from the truth.  I was so depressed before I left because I felt like my life was going nowhere, sick of my job etc etc.  I knew I would come back and still feel shit about things, and I do.  I’m also in a lot of debt and things will be really tight for a while, and I’m so depressed about going back to work.  I’m in a bad state but I told D I was going to try and keep a positive attitude, see if that might train myself in liking work and looking forward to going.  Like he said, we all have to work, and most of us don’t like it, that’s why it’s work!

To make matters worse, I found a lump in my breast the day I came home.  It’s been playing on my mind since I found it.  I went to the doctor yesterday, he didn’t sugar coat it.  He’s treating it as a suspected blocked duct at the moment and I have some antibiotics to take.  If that doesn’t work I will need an ultrasound so see what sort of a mass it is and depending on that, it may need draining.  He said the odds are in my favour with my age, but that doesn’t mean much when it comes to cancer, it doesn’t discriminate, no one is really safe.  Hopefully these tablets do the trick.  Told D but downplayed how I was feeling about it.  I broke down last night and admitted that I’m actually really worried, and he said he’s scared shitless too but that we’ll get through it together, whatever happens he’ll be there.

I went out last night for a girl’s night out which I really needed to take my mind off things.  Had a bit too much to drink.  D had a boys night out and we were at the same club.  Me and my friend were on the dancefloor and the music was really crap.  Then suddenly, all this stuff I love comes on, and I see D near the DJ box blowing me kisses!  He had requested the songs he knows I love (he’s a DJ himself) so that was pretty awesome.  Stayed at his place (I’ve been home 3 nights, and spent 2 at his place!).  I don’t know what it is, I used to hate staying at my exes place, we were together for over 5 years and I rarely ever stayed there.  But with D I don’t care, I’d sleep on the street under a cardboard box with him, anywhere, doesn’t matter.  I’m hopelessly in love with him.

Well I guess I should drag myself off to bed, work tomorrow.  Not feeling very happy about it!

Oct 17, 2007 at 10:28 o\clock

What goes up...

by: princess_pia

Okay, so just when things were going along nicely, they suddenly went pear shaped.  D is having some serious financial issues and has been really stressed out.  He ended up calling things off because he needs time to get himself back on track before he can be on track for us.  I realize that we could have stayed together while he sorted it out, but I guess people deal with things differently than others.  He’s pushed his family away as well so it’s a bit of a worry.  I’m in love with him, he makes me feel great.  I still hear from him, he called up last week choked up, and saying he doesn’t ever want me to think he doesn’t care about me and that he’s hurting too, and that half the people at his work now know what’s going on with him (he confided in a friend at work) and he feels like a total loser.  I’ve never heard him this down and I’m worried about him.  I took the break up really hard at first, I didn’t want to be around anyone.  To fill in the time I would have spent with him, I’d go for drives which really cleared my head.  I couldn’t concentrate on anything apart from driving, so my mind didn’t wander too much.  My parents were really worried and tried to tell me that he had been using me.  I don’t believe this for a second!  To think that every moment we had, the endless conversations we had about anything and everything, the way he looked at me and all the fun times we had was a lie, is something I honestly couldn’t handle.  And I refuse to think that.  What we had was real.  I’m kind of hurt and annoyed because my mum said to my sister out of the blue (they hadn’t even been talking about my situation!) “He was just using her for sex, you know”.  What the hell!??  I never discuss my sex life with anyone!  And for her to think that and presume what the relationship was all about is pretty hurtful to me!  My sister (who has met him a few times and thought he was great) said “I really don’t think he was using her.  It’s not like she didn’t get anything out of it either!”.  I don't think someone who was just in it for sex would bother introducing you to his friends, meeting your friends, family and parents!  Hell no!!!  All I can say is, he made me happier than I ever knew I could be and I still love him and I hope he gets sorted out and comes back, that’s the only thing keeping me from breaking down at the moment.  If you don’t have hope, what do you have?

 

I heard from my ex (who I broke up with a year ago in 1 week!), he wants to give it another go, and thinks we would have been almost married by now.  I said we weren’t right for each other, he disagrees.  He called me up crying.  I was dumbfounded!  I can’t believe he’s not over it, after all this time.  Gosh, all I want is for him to be happy but I definitely know we aren’t meant for each other, especially not after what he put me through!

 

Urgh.  I wish life could be simple.  I wish D & I could be together and deliriously happy again.  Fingers crossed…

Aug 24, 2007 at 12:04 o\clock

Let down...

by: princess_pia

I’m sitting here, feeling like total shit on what should have been a great week.  I feel like finally things are coming together.  I started a great new job this week, and things with D have been going really well and I can really feel myself falling for him.  He is awesome and I love being around him.  He makes me feel great. But at the moment I’m really sick and I feel really hurt and let down by someone I considered to be my best friend.  I’ve been sick for a couple of weeks now.  Whenever this friend of mine is sick I always get in touch with her to make sure she’s okay and I let her know not to hesitate to call me if she needs anything.  I’ve not had that from her, AT ALL.  I’m the sickest I’ve ever been.  It was my birthday the weekend before last, and we had plans to go out.  We weren’t going to go if I was too sick.  On my birthday, I didn’t hear from her until 4.30pm!!  She’s normally the first person I hear from on my birthday, and I heard nothing all day!  I was pretty disheartened about that.  Then I had most of last week off sick, went to the doctor 3 times in 5 days as I was getting progressively worse and there was a danger of me developing pneumonia.  The thing with me is I rarely get sick.  So when I am it’s pretty serious.  I’ve hardly heard from my friend at all during this time and she’s aware how sick and miserable I’ve been.  This morning I was in so much pain, it was excruciating to breathe and cough and I spent all morning at the emergency department of the hospital.  Normally we would email each other at work so later this afternoon after I got home I sent her an email, letting her know I’m not at work so if she’s sent emails and I haven’t replied, that’s why.  And also that I’d been at the hospital all morning because I’m really sick.  She wrote back that no, she hadn’t sent me any emails and it’s no good I’m sick again, “is it the same thing as last time?”.  Bloody hell.  Yeah I spend all morning in the hospital when if it wasn’t serious, I could just go to my doctor.  I’m just so sick of bothering with her when she clearly doesn’t give a shit about me.  I’m not going to bother making any more effort because it seems to be a total waste of time.  On the other hand, when another of my friends (a girl I’ve known since February this year) heard I was at hospital today she sent me a message to see if I was okay and to say she hopes I’m feeling better and if I’d like any company over the weekend to let her know which I thought was really sweet.  That’s the way a friend should be.

Aug 6, 2007 at 14:53 o\clock

New Things

by: princess_pia

I have been seeing more of D, and I’m completely smitten.  I’ve gone from this “happy to date, not ready to commit to anyone” phase to “I don’t want to see anyone else but D”.  Unreal.  I went out with him last week for his birthday, met some of his good friends and had a great time.  We have talked a lot, we know a bit of each other’s past experiences.  There’s nothing I don’t like about him so far.  When I’m not around him, I’m thinking about him and I know he feels the same way.  This is what I didn’t feel with N.  This is how I want to feel!  I love that D listens to me, and hears what I say, even better he remembers everything I tell him!  I’m so used to not being heard.  Not being paid attention to.  Feeling like what I have to say is of no importance at all.  D is different.  Yeah, I am so scared of getting hurt (turns out he has the same fear) but at the end of the day which is worse?  Not taking the chance and never knowing?  Or giving it a shot and see what happens, and run the risk of getting hurt?  All I know is that he makes me feel great, and I feel great.  I looked in the mirror before and I was glowing, I have a sparkle back in my eyes that I thought was lost forever.  I’m so happy and excited about the future, whatever it holds.

Jul 20, 2007 at 16:47 o\clock

Downward Spiral

by: princess_pia

In the space of about a month, things have changed alot. N took me to the snow, paid for all my snowboard hire equipment - he had gone and bought a gift voucher to the value of everything I'd need for our first date which was so sweet. But I hated snowboarding, as hard as I tried. I hated the snow. And by the time we got back home I realised he wasn't right for me, as nice as he was. Everyone thinks I'm mad for letting such a nice guy go - but I didn't feel that spark was there. That's just the way I feel.

Looks like R is moving away - about 400km away. I'm not sure when, I haven't spoken to him lately. Hope it goes well for him because it's a great opportunity.

I've been hanging around a girl (H) from work, we've been playing pool and hanging out. What I've noticed is that she seems to be quite volatile. There is always a drama and she's quite moody.  And I have caught her out a few times contradicting herself in stories she's told me previously. One night after some pool (we had been playing doubles, both of us against each other playing with a couple of guys) she was really quiet on the way home and I asked what was up. She said she just gets really competitive and hates losing. The first I've heard of that. I love playing pool, it's fun to me regardless of if I win or lose - of course it's nice to win but seriously, who cares!? It's not a life or death situation. Anyway, we were playing pool one night at a club and we met these 2 guys, D & J (they work at the club we were at but it was their night off). They seemed pretty cool and I took a liking to D. After we finished playing, we swapped numbers. I've been hearing from D & we decided we'd organise to catch up for pool again, the 4 of us. Monday night was decided and H was aware of this. When I heard from D about where to met etc, I sent H a message to let her know. Half an hour later I still hadn't heard anything back so I tried to call her and she didn't answer. A couple of minutes later I got a message saying she didn't want to go, but that I should still go and to have fun. I was pissed off, for a start coz I don't really know the guys and didn't want to be caught in an awkward situation. I went anyway, we played pool and had a few laughs, it was fun. D was funny, getting drunker as the night went on, then kissed me when I was leaving! Last night H (who goes to the gym where D&J work) told me that she had seen D at the club and that he was under the impression I didn't like him at all and that he seemed hurt. I said "Well I got a message from him this arvo", she asked what time and when I told her she said that was right after she saw him and that he always seems to message me after he sees her!! Yeah right!!! I thought there might have been a few crossed wires so I went to see him last night (at his house which is immaculately tidy, I was very impressed) and we talked. Apparently H told D she had no idea we all caught up for pool. I was really, really mad. What sort of a game is that? Trying to make me look bad to someone I have an interest in, which, as my friend she should NOT be doing. Especially when I made the effort to ask her to come, seeing as though that was what had been previously arranged. I decided not to mention anything to her because I don't want to play those kinds of games. D is a bit wary of her.  I see right through her.  She asked today if I'd spoken to him, I said yeah and that I went to his house, but gave very little away. Anyway, it was great to go to D's place and talk to him one on one. I think it's hard to get an idea of someone when they're around their friends, so to sit and talk to him with no distractions was really nice. All I could think was "I had you pegged wrong!"! He was really apologetic about the other night, for getting drunk and kissing me. We talked about our past experiences. He's been screwed over big time. I haven't cried for so long and I feel like I'm about to break - but last night when I was talking about what had happened to me, I felt really sad. I don't know if it's because when something I don't want to deal with pops into my head, I push it out of my thoughts so I'm scared I haven't dealt with things as well as I could have. When I left he hugged me, and it felt so right to be in his arms. I can't explain it. I didn't feel this way at all with N. 

The other week I had a disagreement with my older sister. My younger sister and I work together. I sat at her computer and as I always do, looked through her stuff and found emails to my older sister about me, as well as emails from my older sister. No matter what happens, I'm always in the wrong. I was upset over what my older sister had said to me but apparently I'm in the wrong for that. None of it was really a big deal and I was over the disagreement, but to see those emails and knowing they'd been discussing me behind my back just broke my heart. I'm still really hurt about it and feeling lonelier than you could imagine.

I'm feeling really depressed at the moment and totally directionless and the flood gates have now opened.