the microwave volcano

"Five drinks a day, just to be social
I hold up my head high enough to break
Up to a sky that's holding me down

I smoke five joints a day, just to be social
I hold up my head
I'm high enough to break
Up to a sky that's holding me down
Down, down, down down down down"

my mom is afraid i'll get in the wrong crowd...and drink...and do drugs...and ruin my future

but i dont think....i in fact know that isnt me...

there's too much worth losing...everything worth losing...everything that is or could be...

i've been forced to think about the future.  my mom is constantly badgering me to look at colleges and thinks i should already have my life planned out.  i dont know what i want to do, where i want to go, or who i want to be.  unless u can get a full scholarship, going out of state for the first four years of my college life is out of the question. i really dont like the idea of staying in florida...but im warming up to the idea...as i realize the inevitability of it all.  hopefully i can go to graduate school out of state...work during college a bit...maybe id be able to pay for it.

i hate the fact that i have to think of this now...

and i really dont think ill do very well on the sat or the act...

hopefully i wont burn out...

im worried about that...

thats about it...

just for you...

something to read..or yeah...

anyways..

thats...

 

you can list your friends

but you cant count on them

I am as ugly as I seem
Worse than all your dreams
Could ever make me out to be
And it makes me want to scream
When it´s halloween
And the kids are laughing
The rogue is a bank he´s never broke
But worth as much as a joke that no one is laughing at

Can you believe some things are not
Appealing and there´s a spot
On the ceiling of my childhood bedroom
And can these dreams you can´t imagine
Will never match the vision
That you had decided for me
You are to take away from me
Things that are mine and it´s not your right
Out that you´d wouldn´t expect to find out
Can it be that I don´t want what you want?
And the only thing I could care for
Is a place in a home that is safe and warm
Safe and warm, safe and warm, safe and warm

Judge yourself if you feel the need
Just let me known to be
In search of the truth myself
There is a drop of blood on the ground
And it seems to me that it´s not my kind
And I can´t be sure if it´s yours or mine

I am as ugly as I seem
Worse than all your dreams
Could ever make me

 

now that thats done...

something that was on tv earlier today...

on a gameshow...

host: who was president during the civil war?

contestant: uhhh....hoover?

host: no....the answer is abraham lincoln

contestant: ahhh.... d-day

 

haha...and the contestant was blonde...pffffffffft

ill catch up to you in bio tomorrow while you're at work

hehe

thats i....

Mood: despondent
Listening to: jessiebabe

so this is my second entry-er

i am mostly writing because certain people...actually a certain person...demanded it...

haha-er...

anyways...

i think im gunna use this more than my xanga...

wooot...tricolon of o's...creating an uber woot

today was exhausting...draining to the senses...

i went to the warehouse and it was only jason and i out of 8 people...at 9:30 jeff showed up quite stoned...david and another girl showed up at 10:30....

the whole situation had a crazy resemblance to events in the past year...not the dissapointment factor...for there was none...but the work ethic....

*you* and i both know what i speak of...haha...

*star*

yeah...one other showed up at 12:30...and two people quit...cool stuff...

i got my check...deposited it at the bank...went to borders and read catch 22...

went to sonnys...no ac...

got off at 9:30...

and now im here...

satisfied?

haha-er

thats i...

 

Mood: contemplative
Listening to: nothing

so...

*refers to title*....about who i know that i'm, actually close to...

the answer regrettably is: there there is no such person...

and when i examine it further, i recognize that ive never been close to anyone.  ive never held anyone in confidence...in that sort of way. sure ive told people of crushes, or whatever, but ive never had anyone to tell how i feel.  im so conceited.

sadly, the closest thing ive ever had to a confidant....is abner

and ive never even told him anything...

it really bugs me...everything is within me...i never let anything out...

maybe thats why my writing is so stone cold and bare.  i simply have never let it out and thus dont know how to let it flow into my writing or anything else.

anger could be my inspiration...pain...

i have acquaintances...but very few friends...

none of which would really go out of their way to call me...to talk...or whatever

its sad...

truely.

people may dissapoint you and their motives might not always be the best...but youve felt closeness...uve had close friends...

i feel like im being repetitive...

my brain knows what i mean...

i dunno...

maybe its not coming out right...

there is some point ot this...

but i just dont know.

 

*sig....