Oak Grove

I've been very slack in seeking my path.  The trivia of everyday work and home and the stresses that accompany it all take over.  And yet it shouldn't.  I should put aside time to de-stress, to meditate, to find that peace within.  It's the procrastination - the feeling that it requires so much effort, and it's so silly to feel that way. 

I've done little in the course I undertook last year and I feel guilty about that.  I got the tutor then didn't contact her again.  It's terrible.  I have been busy with postgraduate study and this is my poor excuse, but really, it's no excuse at all, to put off finding peace of mind.

I made an effort last night to catch up on the readings and only managed one because it made me ponder.  It mentioned something about being scared of our 'light' and 'beauty' and hiding them from the world.  This is so true.  I've always worn dark colours and plain clothes, not wanting to stand out, not wanting to attract attention, for fear of it being negative attention.  So I show my ugly side, the side that isn't a challenge for me to maintain.  It certainly gave me food for thought - to think about those two sides of me - the light and the dark.

And then a sentence at the end of the reading that also struck a chord.  We seek our 'other half' in a lover, but that we discover we feel whole when we love all existence.  This is true too.  I've felt most at peace and most at one with the world when I love all around me.  It's a rarity sometimes and hard to maintain when there's lack of sleep and stress at work and annoyance at others. 

So I need more time out - more time to put aside to dwell on these sorts of insights.

I certainly hope to come back and add more thoughts a lot sooner than ten months from now!

I had been given a sheet of paper with a contact on it for getting a tutor or finding out who mine was.  Well the response wasn't encouraging.  I was just informed I would have a had a blue sheet of paper earlier on which was an application for a tutor.  Thanks very much.

It's these petty little unhelpful bureaucratic annoyances that get at me.  Must learn patience.

Just heard from a druid friend that one of their number is quite nasty and condescending.  Evidently she hasn't gone through the 'grades' or felt anything within them because a more 'enlightened' druid as she should be would be tolerant and understanding, encouraging and listening and she's quite the opposite by the sounds of it.  I often hear about political power struggles in these 'new age' organisations and it's such total bullshit.  If they were truly what they claim to be they wouldn't indulge in it.  If you've achieved peace of mind and learned on your spiritual journey you wouldn't take part in petty arguments and power struggles.  I stay well out of it.  A good reason to stay solitary, I think.

Mood: relaxed

Amongst the material from OBOD, before going any further in the 'lessons', was a self-initiation.  This I put off for a week, and still didn't feel the urge to do it.  I've never been really into ritual and, although simple, I didn't feel I wanted to do it.

But this morning I decided to watch a video called "Sukhavati, place of bliss, A Mythic Journey with Joseph Campbell".  It was the precursor I needed to motivate me.  An interesting video, which didn't really teach me anything I didn't already know, but reminded me of what I knew and how to go about finding it within me again.  My goal - "is to dissolve like a dewdrop into the sea" as Campbell said - to forget the trivialities of the present - the stuff we all know is unimportant and yet we worry and fret about it all.  It's something I always strive to remind myself - 'who's going to know in a hundred years', or even closer - 'will I remember or care in one year?'.  The answer is almost invariably 'no-one' or 'no'. 

I want to feel that peace of being at one - the "rapture of beholding".

But anyway, the video got me in the mood to try this self-initiation and simply by lighting candles and incense and focusing, I relaxed and remembered how it was to meditate before.  It was short enough and simple enough to be done easily.  Only the choice of one word didn't gel with me but I'll deal with that later.

I did two meditations - one during the 'initiation', gazing on the candles and imagining myself as a candle wick - my life was the flame and although it wavered and struggled, it was still alight.  For the flame to go out meant death and then I imagined a universe of candles - each representing a person or animal and seeing them waver and twinkle as many 'snuffed it' and many were lit - so quickly and so widespread that you didn't see the individual candle, but saw the whole vastness of candlelight twinkling, as some went out and some came into being.

The second meditation was after the initiation.  I had been given a CD of a guided meditation.  I found it a bit slow and again the choice of words distracted me, but the end result was the same - a feeling of peace and harmony and realising that I can achieve this at any time.  It's such a simple thing to sit, light a candle, relax, and just be, and yet we all make the excuse that we haven't time.  What is more important than the wellbeing of your soul and body that we can't set aside that time?

Luckily I enquired about more OBOD material from my contact.  While I was on leave from work an envelope of material had been left in my in-tray.  When I got back no such envelope was found by me.  I don't know who took it but I didn't get it.  So naturally it was assumed I'd received it.  A mystery what happened to it....

So onwards!

Well, I'm disappointed I still haven't received anything further but that doesn't stop me finding inspiration in the environment, books, etc.  I am reading about 4 books at the moment, two of which I delved into last night.  One, entitled Earth Dance Drum, talked about fate, free will and purpose and had this to say:

"Fate is the expression of the Spirit World's intent, desire and directional input.  Think of the coincidences that have taken place during your life.  Think of the opportunities that have been offered to you.  Think of how one person has made a difference in your life.  This is fate.

Free will includes choices and decisions.  Life is a series of choices.  We are constantly making choices and must live with their consequences.  We design our own life each day with our decisions.  Do today what you are able, for the most unfortunate and consequential decision/choice we can make is inactivity/indecision.

Purpose is the big idea meant for your life.  A life of purpose makes you strong and alive.  Purpose is life's yellow highlighter, emphasizing fate and directing your free will."

The book calls a balance of the three Bimadisiwin - believing, practising and becoming:

"Believe in the vision of you.

Practice this vision

Become your vision."

The other book, also drum-related but in a completely different way, is Drumming at the Edge of Magic by Mickey Hart.  He was describing his martial art training which was an intense 18 months.  Then:

"It was as if a spell had been broken, as if I had spent eighteen months in a dream that was not entirely a dream because when I awoke I discovered I had a completely different body and a transformed mental attitude.  I had the eye of the tiger, and for that I am eternally grateful to Pogo.  For me, the process involves consciously attempting to master your energy flows - the body flow, the mind flow, and the higher flow, the spirit side.  Its idea - seldom realized - is to achieve a kind of perfect balance that allows you to place your attention and energy exactly where you want it.

So both books in their own way spoke of the balance of three approaches.  It's like everything you read guides you and you can apply these words of wisdom in everyday life in small ways.  Today for example, I attended a demonstration of a computer software program I've needed and never got around to purchasing but had intended to for the last three years.  I went out and purchased it immediately afterwards and felt a small wave of satisfying elation.  I have to start small.