The Daily Bullsitter

THE DAILY CADSWALLOP

Thursday 22nd 2005

GEORGE BUSH HAS ENEMIES LIST

Whitehouse aides have been rocked by allegations that incumbent President George Bush has entered his unlikely second term with a list of enemies and now the testy Prez may suffer another steep decline in popularity for his trouble.  Said one close aide, "He wants all the people on this list whacked... and its a long list but he thinks its do-able, if only because he thinks he can claim national security reasons for the hits.  He makes Nixon look like the tooth fairy."

Bush is loony bin bound

Sources close to the Oval Office say that boss of the USA is getting worse and now aides  have  dubbed Bush's oddball behavior as "The Madness of King George".  Said a high-ranking official "If people knew how f**ked up Bush is, he'd be in a high security asylum for the criminally insane now.  He is a menace."

Bush wants more people dead

It is alleged that a large number of people wouldn't be dead were it not for the eccentric forty third US Prez but now freinds fear that he wants more.  "Every day there's another one he orders killed", said a friend "he e-mails people two or three times a day about it.  We have to prentend that the Secret Service are carrying out national securiry assassinations practically all the time now."

Us or Him? 

Washington  insiders are now so alarmed by these developments that they are seemingly starting to break ranks.  The pugilistic Prez's has even left a paper trail that leads right back to him.  One such memo was leaked directly to this newspaper.  

Shut it or else

And now the nation's  favourite tabloid,  the soaraway "Bullshitter News" is determined to publish the damning document  as soon as we can.  For now, sneeky Whitehouse lawyers have a temporary gagging order  in place .  We are determined to bring our readers a full accounting once we have once we win our court case to have the order removed

THE DAILY CODSWALLOP

sUNDAY 17TH  sEPTEMBER 2005

Liberal Laura In Commie Outburst

Leftie First Lady Laura Bush shocked friends late Saturday night after a drunken evening led to a frenzied assault on her own husband's record.  Legless Laura turned on her teototalling president hubby after downing half a bottle of her own homegrown moonshine and tippling her way though several glasses of Champaigne.

Bush is shit president.

Leftie Laura rounded on her husband in full view of the assembled world media, insisting "You are a shit President and you are spoiling everything"  She then turned her guns on First Mom Babbs, yelling "You horrible old bitch.  You make Marie Antoinette look like Mother Theresa and I hate your guts!  No wonder you son is such a heartless shit for brains".

Cheney is  Psycho

But the inlaws were not the last to get  the hard word from outspoken Laura.  She stunned onlookers when she said of her husband's hard-hitting second in command, Dick Cheney "Dick is a fully signed up criminal psycopath and I don't care if he has another heart attack.

Close aides to the President dubbed the hard drinking Laura "tired and emotional".  but denied last week's rumours that the militant first lady intended to "spill the beans " on her husband and his government before the month is out. 

Mrs Bush was unavailable for comment this morning and is not expected to speak about the matter again.

By noragchick.

Please note: 3 articles per page.

THE DAILY CODSWALLOP

Wednesday September 14th 2005

JEBBY  IS OH SO ANGRY WITH BROTHER GEORGE

"Now I'll never be president",  that was the stunning claim of the President's politician brother Jeb last night.  High-flying Jeb may be the brightest of the Bush siblings and he may have carved out his own political career as Governer of a southern state but it was his older brother, George that made it to the Whitehouse first.

From an early age, Jeb was seen by family members as his father's natural successer.  Ambitous mum, Barbara Bush, was determined to groom Jeb for high office, even earning the affectionate  nickname JK (after JFK's father, Joseph Kennedy) . Her other two sons, George and Neil, were considered too reckless and feckless to amount to anything and were largely ignored. 

  Crestfallen

Jeb felt crestfallen when, at the age of 40,  Fickle George suddenly developed an interest in political office.  On the eve of the 2000 General Election, Jeb told aides that he felt cheated out of his place in history by his elder brother and he expressed fears that his brother's presidency would be "the worst in history", adding " every Bush including me, will be unelectable for a generation"

Fat Bastard

For his part, George Walker Bush told friends privately that Jeb was the more intelligent of the two but he was also a bit of a fat bastard and not very good looking.  "He's wasting his time" the President later said, "there's never been a fat president Jeb won't be the first".

Since then, sibling rivalry has been the order of the day and there are rumours that the "Pretzel Incident" during the President's first term was actually the result of a brotherly brawl, as tensions between the two coninuted to mount.  Both the President and his brother have officially denied that any such event took place.

By Noragchick

 

 

 

 

 

 

THE DAILY CODSWALLOP

 Tuesday 13th September 2005

 

Bush Eyes Nuclear Option

Stop or be nuked, that was the US Presidents' stark warning to Iran yesterday. President Bush has asked military experts for a feasibility report on Whitehouse plans to nuke Iran.  The two-term President is believed to be a great admirer of nuclear weapons and has been itching to drop a couple ever since he first shot to power in November 2001 after he lost by 500,000 votes.

High praise for Truman

 A resolute and determined president said this last night - "My greatest hero of all time is Harry Truman because he dropped an atom bomb or two ... and that killed some Japanese and deterred the Ruskies. President Truman hung tough back then and showed 'em who was boss,   I intend to hang tough now". That's how to honour Mr Truman's legacy".Thats how to keep America great.

Iran is first target

Behind the scenes at the Whitehouse this week, aides and colleagues have been talking up the idea of using tactical nukes on rogue states such as Iran if they do not fall into line. Family man Bush has vowed that evil-doers will not get their way , or at least not on his watch, and the plucky president believes nuking Iran is a more viable option than fighting a war with conventional weapons. Said the Prez, "Iran needs a good slapping to bring it to its senses" and I'll be damned if I'm gonna' be a chickenhawk about that like Jimmy Carter was. Bring it on!!!!".

Latest U.S. ultimatum

The Whitehouse has dispatched a brief communique to Iran's brand new President .  It simply reads:-

"We would love to nuke you off the face of the planet so go ahead with your nuclear plans, make our day!  You are shitheads!" 

Whitehouse staffers deny that the President swore in writing to his fellow statesman. The Whitehouse now await Iran's reply.

 

 

THE DAILY CODSWALLOP

Monday 12th September 2005

Bush in shock "I am the Son of God" claims.

President George Bush stunned close aides yesterday after he told  Whitehouse staff that he believed himself to be the Son of God.  The ultra religous prez made the shock revelation during an hour long briefing of his cabinet.  He told startled colleagues and press not to be so critical of his administrations and its apparent failures in dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. 

Said the two-term Republican President, "lookit (sic) I am the Lord thy God and I move in mysterious ways". 

Blair Back up

Meanwhile in London, close friend and ally Tony Blair said he stood shoulder to shoulder with the President. "Look", Mr Blair insisted, "Georgey "B" is the Messiah so you'd better stop slagging him off about hurricanes and what-not or accursed will be your name.

Who's Bod?

In a later press briefing, Whitehouse spokesman Scott Liesalot, moved to play down claims of messiah-hood by telling press, "The President did not say he was God at all, he said he was Bod". However when pressed, Mr Liesalot refused to elaborate on what or who Bod was, preferring instead to call a halt to the press conference and storm out leaving the assembled media to scratch their heads in bewilderment whilst the world waits for the next Bush brieifng..

By Noragchick