My Balancing Act

Ah, another day at home all by myself. The boy works weekends, so I have all day to do whatever the hell I want. Not that I ever really do anything. Usually I get the house clean, overdose on TLC or any of the Discovery channels, and sometimes I dance. It's fun.

Things are picking up in the lab. I suddenly have so much motivation. Experiments are working, the cells are behaving (well... as nicely as cancer can behave), everything is great. I don't know if this has anything to do with the fact that for a week and a half now I've refused to bring any cigarettes to work with me, but I like it. Maybe my brain just enjoys the novelty of having adequate oxygen for 8 hours a day. And it really hasn't been that hard. I mean, once in a while I seriously consider murder, but it passes. I just did it the first day to prove to myself that I could do it, and then I ran with it. I feel like I can take pride in my work and my accomplishments and not feel like a fraud.

I also got to go visit my old lab, when I had to go to the cancer centre for a meeting. I was a little apprehensive about going, to be honest. The people in this lab are some of the most quality people I've ever met. They're so fun to work with. I really wanted to stay for my masters but due to lack of funding my old prof couldn't take on a new student this year. So I got the honour of being the first person in the history of this lab to be orphaned. And it sucked. I loved it there. Then I left and slowly lost touch with these people, and it got to the point where I just lost hope in keeping these people as friends. So, I went back so say hi and it was like old times. I even had the chance to talk about some issues that have been bugging me (like leaving in the first place, not to mention the prissy little bitch of a replacement who is always rude to me) and some issues that are bugging all of us (like the age old question of M.Sc or Ph.D). It made me feel much better about my relationships and about the direction my life is taking.

In other news, the quizzes were handed out. A few people freaked (like the kid who got 100% from me and 60% from the profs--oops), but it was alright. I had coffee with my friend in the class later in the afternoon (she ended up getting the 57% I had originally gave her) and we talked for about 2 hours about everything under the sun EXCEPT the quiz. So I did what I always so and I fretted. This morning I got an email from her thanking me for the helpful comments I wrote on her quiz. She's going to redo her answers taking into account my suggestions and then she wants to meet and go over them. She's not mad at me! I guess I shouldn't have worried in the first place. She's such an awesome girl. I love her.

I need to start having more faith in other people.

Ahhh.... I'm actually getting work done this week! I haven't put anything off yet! I'm proud. I haven't handed back the quizzes yet, beacuse the profs aren't done reading them yet, but I had a big talk after class about marking practises and I really thought I was going to b completely ripped apart for how they were marked, but the course coordinator was really good about it. He said I did a great job, especially for someone who has never marked before. HOWEVER, he lowered some of the marks. So, on quizzes that I marked, with my helpful (and time consuming) comments, some of my marks will be scratched out and replaced with lower ones. Which, no matter what they say in class, insinuates to the studens that I didn't know what I was doing. Hmph. I just hope my friend didn't end up failing. She came up to me before class today and looked so tired and talked about how she can't sleep at night because she's worried about midterms and marks and stuff. And I smiled sympathetically and wanted to throw myself under a moving bus. I feel like a snake. I know I have no (logical) reason to feel that way, but I do anyways.

It's Friday in the lab. Friday is the worst day in any lab, because you can't start anything new (unless you really want to be here all weekend), and chances are everything you started at the beginning of the week is done already. So you dick around. Today I've done a crossword puzzle, I bought new earbuds 'cause mine broke, I read a bit, I joined into a discussion on the lack of quality horror films in the world, I've been really busy. BUT I have to be here alll day because I had a webcam meeting with my boss at 9:30 and I have to split my cells later this afternoon. Sigh. I should have gone to the gym buut my student card snapped in half in my pocket so I can't swipe to get in. My cells are cool. They are osteosarcoma (bone cancer) cells that were originally donated by a lady after her cancer killed her. Sometimes I think about the sacrifice that she made so we could do this research. Sometimes it's hard to spend so much time taking care of cells when you look at them under a microscope and realize that they killed someone's mother. Earlier this week I was in marking hell, marking 60 quizzes for the class I assist with. Marking is hard. I want to be fair but I want to be nice too. I got my fiance to go through the quizzes and cover up the names with post-it notes because one of my best friends is actually in my class. Not only that, but there are people that I like and people that I just don't like. So I went through them non-partially and marked them all, then ripped off the post-it notes and realized that I'd given one of my best friends a 57%. But what am I supposed to do? I can't change it! I just hope that she's not embarrassed when she gets her quiz back. I need her to know that I don't think any less of her. Ah well. No one said life was easy. I should go find something to do now.

All in all I have a good life.

I live with an amazing boy who is crazy enough to marry me in June 2007. I also live with two beautiful bunnies and two annoying but cute guinea pigs.

I'm a graduate student in Biochemistry who gets to wake up every morning and do cancer research.

My family, while absolutely insane, really cares about me and cheer me on.

The friends that I actually keep in touch with are the greatest I could ask for.

I even love and admire my future in-laws.

Yes, I have it all. But what do I do with it all? How do I stay me? How do I improve on me ? Therein lies the problem. On the outside things are great. On the inside I'm filled with a yearning to be better than I am. The point of this little blog is to have someplace to put all the little thought s that keep me up at night and keep me from focusing on all thats good.

I think its probably human nature to always want more than you have. I mean, if early man had been satisfied with always being hungry and cold and wet, they wouldn't have survived, right? So what does that have to do with people today? Why do we have everything and feel like we have nothing most of the time? Why do we hurt? Why do we hurt each other? Why do we whine and complain about things that don't matter when all over the world people are dying and sick and hungry right now as I'm sitting here?

Alright, those issues may be a little too big to solve in my little blog. And since it is MY blog, I'll move on to my issues.

Most of the time I feel like a hypocrite. I work in cancer research. I'm even a teaching assistant in a course on cancer. And throughout the day, I sneak out of my lab and find the most well hidden places I can find on campus, and I smoke until I feel sick. How stupid is that? And why do I do it? Because ten years ago I was stupid enough to want nothing more than to fit in with who I considered the coolest people in the world, and that meant hanging out in the smoke pit. Now, I hate it. It makes me feel sick and tired and I hate feeling like this. I hate being so ashamed of myself. A couple of years ago I did some volunteer work in Peru. I got off the plane and arrived at the house I was staying at at midnight, and the first thing I did was go outside and have a cigarette. A couple of days later, one of the guys I was staying with said, "You know, I can't believe you're a smoker". I asked him why and he said that when he looked at me he immediately pegged me as a vibrant, healthy person and he couldn't believe that I wasn't. Part of me was kind of insulted, I always though I was at least moderately vibrant. But it dawned on me that I'm really not. I'm the kind of person who is much more likely to sit and chainsmoke and bitch then actually get out and do something. And its not just smoking. I want to be this healthy, vibrant person. I want to go to the campus gym while my reactions incubate. I want to go a week without eating pizza. More importantly, I want to believe that I am honouring what I have. I was born healthy and beautiful and smart. What am I now? How am I being thankful for everything I've been given?

Here's hoping that this new outlet will make me feel like I need to be a little more accountable to myself and what I deserve. And I guess if anyone actually reads this, I need to hold myself accountable to them as well.