http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM Everything that confuses me in life. Just me. en myheartwantsHIM myheartwantsHIM Sun, 26 Mar 2006 21:27:39 +0200 daily 1 Feeling so shit.  So low.  So depressed.  Again. Why does nothing I do ever go right?  It never does.  Never. I'm not a bad person.  Okay, I'm a paranoid, jealous, self-conscious little slut, but hey, deal with it.  I do.  And to be honest, I wouldn't give a shit if people did care.  Noone can hate me more than I hate myself.  I didn't think I believed in hate, but maybe I do.  Or whatever this feeling is towards myself isn't nice. I thought I was getting over all this.  All this pain, and constantly feeling so low.  I want to be normal for once.  I want my friends to remember me as how I was before.  I could be funny then.  I could make them smile.  But now?  I feel as if I can't do anything to please them.  I know what some of them are saying behind my back.  They don't realise how much it gets to me. I want to just curl up or runaway from everyone and everything that is happening... Sun, 26 Mar 2006 21:27:39 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Cause-all-of-the-stars-are-fading-away/35/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Cause-all-of-the-stars-are-fading-away/35/ So me and Jon had a little argument yesterday.  About Paul ringing and spoiling the "moment".  I wouldn't have answered the phone, but Jon told me to, so I thought I was doing the right thing.  But I guess men talk shit, and it's always my fault. I don't know why I'm confused, I just am.  I don't want this to turn into another fucked up relationship like all the others in the past.  I want him to be different.  Different like I thought he was.  I can't stop thinking about him, I always want to be with him.  I've fallen for him, and I'm just scared everything's going to go wrong now, like it usually does. You know about the whole trust thing?  I find it really hard to trust people, however hard I try.  Well usually, I never want to trust anyone, let alone try to trust them.  But with Jon, I want to trust him.  But now this has happened, even though it's really nothing, I feel like I shouldn't put myself through trusting him. ... Wed, 15 Mar 2006 16:04:57 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Confused./34/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Confused./34/ I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut, My weakness is I care too much. The scars remind me, My past is real, Tear my heart open, Just to feel. Sun, 12 Mar 2006 17:45:47 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/True./33/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/True./33/ Haven't written in here for a while. Things have changed.  A lot.  I'm not with Paul anymore.  I couldn't be.  Not when I feel like this about someone else.  I've fell in love.  With someone I hardly know.  Jon <3 I didn't know it was possible to feel like this.  I feel so alive.  Like I could do anything, and everything, and nothing else matters.  I can't think straight.  I can't focus on anything else but him.  This is the real thing. This is too perfect though.  How do I tell him how I feel? I'll write again later x   Thu, 02 Mar 2006 00:05:00 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Scared./31/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Scared./31/ I just can’t look its killing me, And taking control, Jealousy, turning saints into the sea, Swimming through sick lullabies, Choking on your alibis, But it’s just the price I pay, Destiny is calling me, Open up my eager eyes, ‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside. "The song is about the deep dark depths of the jealous mind. It's a dark place sometimes, and I think we captured it pretty well."  So true.   My mind gets too jealous.  Far too jealous.  This is my favourite song in the whole wide world, and I've jsut realised how much meaning it really has in it. I <3 it. Tue, 21 Feb 2006 22:46:51 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/30/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/30/ I want to get out. Away. Away from all this shit that keeps happening around me. I'm so tempted to go back to all my old ways again, even though it only solves things for a short period of time.  But it's so easy to slip into all that again.  All you have to do is grab one thing... I feel so shit.  Like half of me is missing.  I miss Paul so much, and I want him to come home so badly.  I need him so much and I'm not used to having to cope with shit on my own.  He's always been here for me.  Always. I've never felt so alone.  I need him so badly right now :'(       Tue, 21 Feb 2006 22:29:55 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Get-away./29/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Get-away./29/ Old friends that hurt you in the past. Are they really worth the hassle again? My "used to be" best friend dragged me through so much shit in the past, and screwed my head up as much as she possibly could.  Now the situation is that she has no friends, and feels sorry for herself.  Should I try and help her even though I still haven't forgiven her for what she did?  Should I try and help her AGAIN even though it never worked out in the past?  I've tried so hard to make things right again between us, and it's never happened. Meh, I can't be bothered writing about her, she's taken up to much of my time and life as it is. I miss Pauly.  I need to talk to him about all this, and I need a "Pauly" cuddle. Sat, 18 Feb 2006 22:31:32 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Old-friends./27/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Old-friends./27/ Why does this always happen to me? Why do Paul and I always get into shitty arguments, that end up in a slagging match and not speaking for ages? Everything was fine yesterday, up until when he rang me last night.  We ended up arguing about some batteries, how ridiculous.  I told him to get some rechargable batteries for his trip to Thailand, but he wouldn't listen.  So then the argument developed into a whole load of other shit as usual, and now he's just being a complete asshole. I was sick last night, but dad made me go to school anyway, so I was feeling shit enough without having Paul on my back too.  Anyway, I apologised, even though I didn't think I was in the wrong, and he didn't have the decency to say anything back.  I text him numerous times today, all of which he completely ignored.  So then I rang him and asked him why he was treating me like this.  His answer was "im busy on my computer".  I then rang him later on, asking again why... Wed, 15 Feb 2006 18:47:49 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Why/28/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Why/28/ Happy Valentine's Day everyone.  Hope your day is more interesting than mine! I don't agree with Valentine's Day.  We agreed to only exchange cards, no presents, because a) we can't be together today and b) the whole concept is a huge con for card companies to rake in all the money.  I don't need a single day of the year to tell Paul I'm in love with him, because I can do that any and everyday of the year.  But I am missing Paul a hell of a lot, hearing people talking about what their doing with their partners.  I'm not jealous or anything, I just wish we could be together today, and go out for a nice meal.  But Paul's off to Thailand in two days, and he has an exam tomorrow, so he could hardly just come back from Uni for the night could he!  Nevermind hey. I have a ton of work to do, which is getting pretty ridiculous.  We break up from school on Friday, for February Half Term, so the teachers are really laying it on thick.  I've got 2 pieces of... Tue, 14 Feb 2006 21:37:42 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Happy-Valentine-s-Day/26/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Happy-Valentine-s-Day/26/ So did everyone have a problem with not being able to blog here?  I even set up an account on Xanga.com because I couldn't blog on here, but never really got round to blogging there.  It seemed too complex really.  I mean, when I blog, all I want to do is write things down as soon as they come into my head, in no order.  I don't want to change the whole colour theme of my page, or tell everyone who I am, which I felt inclined to do at Xanga.  Blogigo is really straightforward, which is why I like it.  All you have to do is write. So anyway, I've been away for a long time.  I gave up on visiting this site for a while, because I thought it was my computer that didn't like it.  I can't really remember what mood I was in, or how I was feeling the last time I wrote in this blog. It seems it was around New Year, after the big argument.  Well, incase you were wondering, everything is now fine at home at the moment.  I'm not getting at my dad anymore,... Sun, 12 Feb 2006 22:33:08 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Yayness-back-to-blogigo/25/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Yayness-back-to-blogigo/25/ Is it some sort of hidden rule that they have to annoy the fuck out of me? Basically, here's the story... Last Monday, I came home after walking the dog to find my mum crying and my dad pretending nothing was wrong.  I asked what was up but they didn't tell me.  So anyway, I walked off and my dad started sayin something to my mum.  Then Mum shouted me in and said he'd been kicking off because she'd got mud on the carpet.  Seriously, this was what the whole thing was about.  Now, you've got to understand, my dad most probably started this because he's got OCD.  I mean, he's not been diagnosed, because he won't accept it and go to the doctor's, but you can just tell, it's really obvious.  I used to have it when I was about 10/11, but I grew out of it eventually.  He's knows he's got it, but won't believe anyone who tells him.  Anyway, I got involved because he was shouting at my mum, and I'm really protective of her because he can be a total prick.  So... Thu, 05 Jan 2006 17:31:37 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Parents./24/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Parents./24/ Well, Happy New Year everybody! Hope your night was better than mine! Nah, I had a good night really.  My friend had a party so lots of people went to her house.  At midnight we all went into the street and set of lots of party poppers, sang Auld Lang Syne and sprayed champagne everywhere. But then, everyone got emotional.  Everyone realised that this was our last year of school, and last year of being together.  And most of my friends and myself turn 18 this year, so it's the big step of "growing up", going to University and actually having to be independent for the first time!  Aswell as that, I've known the majority of my friends for 14 years, the rest of them for 7 years.  I mean, I can still remember the first day of primary school, when I met them for the first time.  So they've all been a huge part of my life, and I don't want to lose them :( even though I know it's inevitable, and we are going to drift apart.  It's just scary knowing what's gonna... Sun, 01 Jan 2006 19:48:29 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Happy-New-Year./23/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Happy-New-Year./23/ Please! I enjoy hearing other people's opinions on anything and everything.  I only have my own opinion to listen to, so it'd be good to hear other people's perspectives on things. So if you do find yourself landing on my blog, then please leave a comment, even if it's just a short one. Thankies :) xx Fri, 30 Dec 2005 17:36:34 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/If-you-read-my-blog-please-comment/22/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/If-you-read-my-blog-please-comment/22/ Why do I feel all depressed? All my head does is mess up.  I don't speak enough about how I'm feelin inside, so my mind trails off and thinks too much about my life.  I cover up how shit I feel with a smile and a joke.  I just wish I had the confidence, and the trust in people to tell them how I really feel. I was lying in bed last night, just thinking, as you do.  And a question popped into my head.  Who do I really trust?  I have a HUGE problem with trusting people, that never quite makes sense.  It's something to do with being let down and betrayed by a lot of people in the past (mainly an old friend "V" who was like my sister, my dad, and two ex-boyfriends) and the fact that I don't trust myself.  Or maybe I just don't think anyone is really worthy of my trust.  I mean, why should you trust people?  If you trust people, you're giving them everything, believing everything they say.  And you're giving them one huge chance to hurt you.  To... Thu, 29 Dec 2005 22:33:29 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Trust./21/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Trust./21/ Seeing as this would be way too long to text, I'll write what I want to say to you on here.  I could email it, but I'd rather write it on my blog, so I can remember how I was feeling at the time.  And considering you're the only person in my life who knows about my blog, then I guess it doesn't really matter. Right, well this is what I wanted to say...   When I saw you on Christmas Day, come out of the car and look at me, with your new scarf on.  Something hit me.  You mean everything to me.  I know I've said this a lot in my blog, but you really are my soulmate. When I look at you, I feel something special.  Like I'd die for you.  Like if I thought you were upset, I'd jump on the first train I could to just try and make you feel even a tiny bit better. I know none of this really makes sense.  But hey, this is me, and you should be used to it by now.  The only time I feel like myself is when I'm around you.  You make me... Tue, 27 Dec 2005 19:14:46 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Dear-Paul./20/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Dear-Paul./20/ Well it's been a while. Two weeks or so. And in this two weeks I've finally come to my senses, and realised Si was treating me like shit.  I want nothing to do with him. But two days ago (Christmas Day) I got back with Paul.  The person I've wanted to be with all along but I thought Id fucked it up.  Well, it appears I haven't and we're now going to give it another go.  I've still got all these fears though.  What if I cheat?  What if I can't cope?  What if I get angry about him being at Uni?  What if it isn't meant to be? I think way too negatively, and I always prepare myself for the worst situations.  I have a huge problem with that, and I wish I could sort it.  Even little things I do it over.  Like, when I've planned to go to the cinema, I'll prepare myself that they won't have any tickets left, so I won't be unhappy if I can't see the film.  Obviously this very rarely happens, but still, I can't get that way of thinking out... Tue, 27 Dec 2005 18:32:57 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Back-with-Pauly./19/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Back-with-Pauly./19/ Si. Did something to me that he really shouldn't have. :'(     Tue, 20 Dec 2005 23:17:02 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/32/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/32/ I want Si. I want him so badly, and I don't know why. He treats me like shit, and if he clicked his fingers I'd jump. I'd do anything for him. But I guess I'm just not good enough! I'm not good enough for anyone. Now I officially know how it feels to have your heart broken.   This is killing me inside. I'm fading...   Sun, 18 Dec 2005 20:54:35 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Si./18/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Si./18/ I hate feelin like this. Like noone would give a shit if I disappeared.  It'd be so easy to just sneak off and runaway, never to be seen again.  I just want to get away from everythin :( My dad's been having an affair.  As if that alone wasn't bad enough, it'd been going on for two years.  Two fuckin years.  Two years of betrayin my family, and making my mum, my brother and I look like fools.  I hate him, I truly do.  And I also think my mum is one of the stupidest people on earth, as she's taken him back and forgiven him, and acting as if nothing's happened.  Why can't I feel like this?  Why am I the one that's hurting so much. And another thing that's bothering me is that I have to go to the doctors on thursday.  They're going to "assess my situation".  Why do they have to use fancy words?  Why can't they just say it's to see how fucked up I am.  I hate nosy people prying into my life where it doesn't concern them.  It's... Tue, 13 Dec 2005 22:48:33 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Feelin-shit./17/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/Feelin-shit./17/ Why do I feel so alone? Like I've got noone to turn to, even though I so obviously have.  I've got some good friends, and a nice boyfriend I've recently met.  But I haven't got someone who I can connect with properly anymore. I miss Paul so much.  I'm scared I've made a huge mistake in getting with Si, because he's just not like Paul.  Don't get me wrong Si's great but I don't know whether he's great enough.  Paul was special, and I think I've thrown something truly good away.  I still honestly believe I'll marry him.  I just don't know what all this means.   I haven't wrote in this for a long while.  Mostly because I just couldn't be arsed.  I wasn't being lazy, but this week I just haven't found the energy to physically do anything.  It's like my brains frozen, and I've been summoned to sleep for the past five days!  I think this means that I really have got diabetes :S because all I do is drink juice and sleep!  I just wish... Fri, 02 Dec 2005 21:21:02 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/alone./16/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/myheartwantsHIM/alone./16/