Me.

Mood: happy turned sad :(
Listening to: random

So did everyone have a problem with not being able to blog here?  I even set up an account on Xanga.com because I couldn't blog on here, but never really got round to blogging there.  It seemed too complex really.  I mean, when I blog, all I want to do is write things down as soon as they come into my head, in no order.  I don't want to change the whole colour theme of my page, or tell everyone who I am, which I felt inclined to do at Xanga.  Blogigo is really straightforward, which is why I like it.  All you have to do is write.

So anyway, I've been away for a long time.  I gave up on visiting this site for a while, because I thought it was my computer that didn't like it.  I can't really remember what mood I was in, or how I was feeling the last time I wrote in this blog.

It seems it was around New Year, after the big argument.  Well, incase you were wondering, everything is now fine at home at the moment.  I'm not getting at my dad anymore, because basically, I don't see the point.  I pity him because he's so pathetic, so i pretty much don't let him bother me.  I think the argument hit him hard too though, and I guess he's beginning to understand how he has been destroying our family.  We've all been walking on eggshells around him for too long now.

Other good things have been happening too.  I passed my theory test recently, and I've booked my practical test, meaning hopefully it won't be too long before I can legally drive!  School's okay too, panic attacks are stopping, and overall, life really isn't too bad.

Aswell as that, I feel like Paul and I are closer than we've ever been before.  Today he went back to Uni, after coming home for the weekend for his birthday.  We had a good weekend.  Thursday night we went to a few bars, then a club.  Friday we went to the cinema, played some pool, went for a meal, ate birthday cake and basically had a nice day enjoying each others company.  Saturday, we stayed at mine for a bit, then went for a drive and a walk along a nice local front, which sells gorgeous icecream.  Then we went for another meal, and basically ate way too much food.  I'm gutted he's gone now though.  I won't see him for at least three weeks, because he's off to Thailand.  Three weeks might not seem much to some people.  But to me, it's a long time.  Everytime he goes, it hurts just that little bit more.

But being so close to him does have its problems.  I have such this huge amount of paranoia and jealousy inside me that it's just ridiculous.  Why did I have to turn out like this?  I love everything about him.  Everything.  I mean, I couldn't possibly imagine myself marrying anyone else but him now, and I'm only 17.  People might think I'm being too forward, and that anything could happen.  But "anything" has happened, and we've got through all of it.  He is the one. 

But when I think about him and that other girl, I hate him.  And I mean, when I'm in that frame of mind, I truly hate him.  I feel pure hatred towards him, as if he's completely betrayed me.  I want him to have just wanted me when we were going out, not just some another girl he just met and then jumped on.

I know this is all because I have low self-esteem.  I know that's partially my fault, and everything that's happened in the past, but he didn't exactly help the matter did he?  Him doing what he did makes me feel even more unwanted, as if I don't fit in anywhere.  He has his own life at Uni, which I'm not included in.  That hurts.  As if there's not really a place for me at all, like I just float about in the background.  I bet he wished it had worked out with her, because she's so close to him.  How do i know they don't meet up everyday?  How do I know he doesn't still like her?  It hurts. 

I can never stop myself thinking about it.  Never.  Ever since the day he told me, there's honeslty not been one day since I haven't thought about it.  And that creates problems too.  Because when I think about it, I want to talk about it too.  And guess who doesn't want to talk about it.  Him.  And guess who gets pissed off when I mention it.  Him.  What he doesn't realise is that him getting pissed off makes me trust him even less.  It makes me feel like he's got something to hide.  And if he has, I wish he'd just tell me.

Aswell as that, I do really really really miss him.  I think this is why I feel so low at the moment.  I want to see him again.  Just once, even if it was just for a few minutes.  I need a cuddle.  One of those big special "him" cuddles, where only he can make me feel better.  I can dream though I suppose.  I guess we can't always get what we want.

 

I think I'd better go now.  I'm depressing myself a lot, and this started off as a good blog, which has steadily gone downhill.  I'll blog again soon.