Me.

Mood: happier, just a fluke?!
Listening to: lion king/sterophonics/blink 182 since I started writing this!

I just wrote this entry out, and then my computer died :( but I'll write most of it out again anyway.

Well I went on a big shopping trip yesterday to Manchester, so I had lots of time to think on the journey there and back.

I thought about everything I could possibly think about in that 3 hours!  My whole life.  But most of all, him of course.

On the way home, when I was sitting there in my own world, I watched an accident happen.  It was really scary.  On the other side of the motorway, two cars overturned, and then lots of police and fire engines, and even the army turned up!  It was horrible though.  So what did I do?  I HAD to tell him.  I didn't want to speak to anyone else apart from him, not even my mum who was sitting right next to me.  I just kind of realised right there and then how much I missed him.  I needed to tell him.  Well, I tried to tell him anyway.  I hope he got the point.  I said "I just wish you could love me like you used to :(".  So he text back saying "looking back at that you should count yourself lucky you weren't there, and I'm glad you weren't.  I know how scary it is seeing that.  I hope you're okay."  I know he meant well, but I just wanted him to turn round and say of course I love you like I used to, I always have and I always will.  Or something alongs the lines of that.

But nevermind hey, I can dream I guess.

I don't really know what he wants though.  Maybe he should just tell me he doesn't want me.  It's jsut one minute he says he loves me, and the next he just acts like a friend.  I know that's probably my fault because I told him we need to talk, BUT I JUST WANT HIM TO LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE HIM!

I'm in love with him for God's sake!

I feel like I'm stalking him.  Constantly thinking about him, and writing so much about him that he hasn't even read!  Nevermind, I'll tell him eventually I think.

The medication is kind of helping though.  Well I think it is.  It doesn't stop the arguments happening, but it stops me getting to the point of wanting to kill someone!  So yeah, I guess that's an improvement.

No such luck with the panic attacks though :( they still control my life, and I guess they always will.