Me.

Mood: fed up
Listening to: mr brightside- mcfly version

Ever feel like noone would really care if you dropped down dead?

That's how I feel right now.

I'm so fed up with life.  The same things happen over and over again.  School.  Panic attacks.  Going on my computer.  Eating.  Going to bed.  That's basically my life.

I want it to change.  I want something good to happen.  Or at least something interesting.  The only thing I'm looking forward to is going to see Harry Potter.  And that's generally a sad thing to be excited about, considering how old I am!

I just wish someone could give me a "normal" heart.  One that doesn't have to fuck up so often.  One which doesn't need so many pills to keep it going properly.  The maybe I'd stop having all these panic attacks, and I'd get rid of all the people who feel sorry for me.  I don't want sympathy, I just want them to leave me alone!

Today was pretty shit.  I fainted on the way to work experience, alone.  I came round to find a random woman helping me, asking me all these questions.  I was fine after a few minutes, but it's just scary.  I didn't even feel panicky or anything.  It's like something can control me.  And decide what I should be doing.  I'm completely limited to what I do now.  I'm too scared to do some things, because of my panic attacks.  I don't want to be alone if I have one.  I know that's agoraphobia, I don't need you all telling me that.  But meh, I'll get better soon anough I hope.

I'm trying to cling onto a positive attitude, but it's so hard!  I've never thought positively ever.  Paul always used to say to me "why be unhappy when you can let yourself be happy?" or something along the lines of that.  It makes sense really.  But it doesn't really make sense if you're so negative about yourself.

I have been trying though.  I can see how I used to ignore all the good things about my life, and just focus on the bad.  Like for one thing, I love spending time with my family.  At least I know they love me.  And want me around.

I still miss Paul though.  He's coming home for Christmas soon.  9th December or something like that.  But I don't know how I'll react when I see him.  And I'm worried about what Rob will say to him too.  I'll know he'll fuck everything up with me and Paul if he had the chance, just because I turned him down.

Oh it's a confusing life being a teenager...