Me.

Mood: guess
Listening to: oasis

Feeling so shit.  So low.  So depressed.  Again.

Why does nothing I do ever go right?  It never does.  Never.

I'm not a bad person.  Okay, I'm a paranoid, jealous, self-conscious little slut, but hey, deal with it.  I do.  And to be honest, I wouldn't give a shit if people did care.  Noone can hate me more than I hate myself.  I didn't think I believed in hate, but maybe I do.  Or whatever this feeling is towards myself isn't nice.

I thought I was getting over all this.  All this pain, and constantly feeling so low.  I want to be normal for once.  I want my friends to remember me as how I was before.  I could be funny then.  I could make them smile.  But now?  I feel as if I can't do anything to please them.  I know what some of them are saying behind my back.  They don't realise how much it gets to me.

I want to just curl up or runaway from everyone and everything that is happening around me.  I can't deal with it anymore.  I want to...what do I want to do?  I wouldn't go to the extreme of saying I want to die, because I don't.  I just want to...do bad things right now.  Maybe I will.

I went back to the stupid thing I used to do again today.  I thought I was over it.  I found out that I'm completely not.  It was horrible.  I chose it over someone I love.  I had so much fuckin desperation to do it that I couldn't think of anyone else but myself.  Something clicked in my head, and that was it, nothing could stop me.  But then he did it :'(

I'm so fat.  So ugly and disgusting.  I need to sort myself out.  Go the gym, or at least eat healthily.  But why don't I?  No time and no motivation.  So that's not going to happen.  I just keep getting bigger and bigger, and carry on hating myself.  Hate hate hate.

I fucked up today with Jon.  If I hadn't said anything, It wouldn't have got to what it did.  I can't even put into words what happened.  It's all too stupid.  Too painful.  So unbelievable that it got to that.

I want this all to stop.  For good.  But it can't and it won't.  I just want to tear my heart open and get rid of all the bad stuff im feeling.