Me.

Mood: guess
Listening to: oasis

Feeling so shit.  So low.  So depressed.  Again.

Why does nothing I do ever go right?  It never does.  Never.

I'm not a bad person.  Okay, I'm a paranoid, jealous, self-conscious little slut, but hey, deal with it.  I do.  And to be honest, I wouldn't give a shit if people did care.  Noone can hate me more than I hate myself.  I didn't think I believed in hate, but maybe I do.  Or whatever this feeling is towards myself isn't nice.

I thought I was getting over all this.  All this pain, and constantly feeling so low.  I want to be normal for once.  I want my friends to remember me as how I was before.  I could be funny then.  I could make them smile.  But now?  I feel as if I can't do anything to please them.  I know what some of them are saying behind my back.  They don't realise how much it gets to me.

I want to just curl up or runaway from everyone and everything that is happening around me.  I can't deal with it anymore.  I want to...what do I want to do?  I wouldn't go to the extreme of saying I want to die, because I don't.  I just want to...do bad things right now.  Maybe I will.

I went back to the stupid thing I used to do again today.  I thought I was over it.  I found out that I'm completely not.  It was horrible.  I chose it over someone I love.  I had so much fuckin desperation to do it that I couldn't think of anyone else but myself.  Something clicked in my head, and that was it, nothing could stop me.  But then he did it :'(

I'm so fat.  So ugly and disgusting.  I need to sort myself out.  Go the gym, or at least eat healthily.  But why don't I?  No time and no motivation.  So that's not going to happen.  I just keep getting bigger and bigger, and carry on hating myself.  Hate hate hate.

I fucked up today with Jon.  If I hadn't said anything, It wouldn't have got to what it did.  I can't even put into words what happened.  It's all too stupid.  Too painful.  So unbelievable that it got to that.

I want this all to stop.  For good.  But it can't and it won't.  I just want to tear my heart open and get rid of all the bad stuff im feeling.

Mood: confused
Listening to: arctic monkeys

So me and Jon had a little argument yesterday.  About Paul ringing and spoiling the "moment".  I wouldn't have answered the phone, but Jon told me to, so I thought I was doing the right thing.  But I guess men talk shit, and it's always my fault.

I don't know why I'm confused, I just am.  I don't want this to turn into another fucked up relationship like all the others in the past.  I want him to be different.  Different like I thought he was.  I can't stop thinking about him, I always want to be with him.  I've fallen for him, and I'm just scared everything's going to go wrong now, like it usually does.

You know about the whole trust thing?  I find it really hard to trust people, however hard I try.  Well usually, I never want to trust anyone, let alone try to trust them.  But with Jon, I want to trust him.  But now this has happened, even though it's really nothing, I feel like I shouldn't put myself through trusting him.  What if I trust him and then something happens between us?  I can't imagine what I'd be like them.

My head is so messed up.  Everything's messed up.  Am I ready for this relationship?  Me and Jon are already so close, so couply, so...perfect.  I don't know whether I'm ready for all this again, because it always ends in tears.  Alex.  Si.  Paul.  Look what happened there.  Being with someone always ends in tears.  Always.  And I can't handle that again.  Not after everything that's happened.

I've had a shit day.  A shit couple of days actually.  My parents are constantly getting at me, trying to make stuff worse than it already is.  Am I really that much of a person that they keep saying I am?  I'm only 17, and I can't handle the pressure they keep putting on me.  Why can't they ask Mark to do things for once?  My mum's hurt her back, so she can't physically do anything, but why should she take it out on me?  And my dad is just being unbelievable, asking me to do anything he can think of.  I'm trying my best to do what he wants, but doesn't he understand it's fucking hard?  Just speaking to him irritates me.  He'll start talking, and I just want to scream in his face.

I wish I could get on with him.

I hate feeling like this.  Depressed.  Alone.  Taking it out on everyone else.  Jon in particular.  That whole thing yesterday with us was stupid.

And aswell as that, my panic attacks are getting worse.  I'm having on average 2 a day in school.  If that's happening, how can I be expected to want to go to school?  I hate it there.  I've got too much work to do, too much pressure from my parents, and teachers to be perfect.  I didn't ask to be clever.  But because I kind of am, I have everyone pushing me to constantly do better.  I know I'm not going to get the grades they want me to get, because I've given up.  They don't know I'm hardly going to any of my lessons.  I can't and I won't, because I just don't want to do it anymore.  It's a waste of time.  I don't want to go to Uni anymore.  Not if I'm gonna be like this for another 4 years of my life.  It's stupid.

I've got so much going on that I just can't handle it anymore.  How about I just go back to how everything was before...

Mood: random
Listening to: random

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut,

My weakness is I care too much.

The scars remind me,

My past is real,

Tear my heart open,

Just to feel.

Mood: alive
Listening to: james blunt

Haven't written in here for a while.

Things have changed.  A lot.  I'm not with Paul anymore.  I couldn't be.  Not when I feel like this about someone else. 

I've fell in love.  With someone I hardly know. 

Jon <3

I didn't know it was possible to feel like this.  I feel so alive.  Like I could do anything, and everything, and nothing else matters.  I can't think straight.  I can't focus on anything else but him.  This is the real thing.

This is too perfect though. 

How do I tell him how I feel?

I'll write again later x