Me.

Mood: average
Listening to: lion king :D

Is it some sort of hidden rule that they have to annoy the fuck out of me?

Basically, here's the story...

Last Monday, I came home after walking the dog to find my mum crying and my dad pretending nothing was wrong.  I asked what was up but they didn't tell me.  So anyway, I walked off and my dad started sayin something to my mum.  Then Mum shouted me in and said he'd been kicking off because she'd got mud on the carpet.  Seriously, this was what the whole thing was about.  Now, you've got to understand, my dad most probably started this because he's got OCD.  I mean, he's not been diagnosed, because he won't accept it and go to the doctor's, but you can just tell, it's really obvious.  I used to have it when I was about 10/11, but I grew out of it eventually.  He's knows he's got it, but won't believe anyone who tells him.  Anyway, I got involved because he was shouting at my mum, and I'm really protective of her because he can be a total prick.  So in the end, he said he hated me, that he hasn't got a daughter, and basically tried to put me and my mum against each other, by shit-stirring and making stuff up.  Pathetic.  I tried to stay calm, but it was hard.  Really hard.  He can be so hurtful, and my head's messed up enough already, without him having to make it ten times worse.  So anyway, I rang my knight in shining armour (Paul) who came and picked me up, and whisked me off to his house for the night.  He's my star.

But what I'm basically trying to say, is why?  i explained it pretty quickly there, but it had got so bad that my mum was threatening to leave.  And she'd never do that over nothing.  She's usually the calm one, but no, she went mad.  Why does he feel the need to tell me he hates me?  I'm not a bad person.  I love the people around me, I worship the ground they walk on.  And this is what I get in return!  17 years of walking on eggshells around my dad, and this is how it's paid off.

I know some of it isn't his fault, but there was no need for him to say some of the stuff he said.  And he never regrets it.  Never in 17 years has he said "sorry" to me.  Never.  He can't do it.  Probably because his ego means to much to him.

But I mean, why?  Why does he want to fuck me up?

Bastard.

Today.

Today I'm feeling alright really.  Paul goes back to Uni on Saturday though, which is a bit shit, but I guess if I want him this much then that's one thing I've just got to deal with.  I'm still scared about all the jealousy though.  About how I'll be when he's back at Uni.  Grr, I could hit myself sometimes.  So tomorrow, friday night, were going out for a meal.  I like our meals out :) very special.  So yeah, I'm looking forward to that a lot.

Anyway, I'm off now to hunt for some food, cos I'm starving.  So I'll get back to you all later.

Tilly x

Mood: reminiscing (sp?), a tad bit sad :(
Listening to: destinys child

Well, Happy New Year everybody!

Hope your night was better than mine!

Nah, I had a good night really.  My friend had a party so lots of people went to her house.  At midnight we all went into the street and set of lots of party poppers, sang Auld Lang Syne and sprayed champagne everywhere.

But then, everyone got emotional.  Everyone realised that this was our last year of school, and last year of being together.  And most of my friends and myself turn 18 this year, so it's the big step of "growing up", going to University and actually having to be independent for the first time!  Aswell as that, I've known the majority of my friends for 14 years, the rest of them for 7 years.  I mean, I can still remember the first day of primary school, when I met them for the first time.  So they've all been a huge part of my life, and I don't want to lose them :( even though I know it's inevitable, and we are going to drift apart.  It's just scary knowing what's gonna happen this year.

I hate days like these. 

And to top all the emotional stuff off, I went unconscious and got everyone worried, because noone could wake me.  Then I came round eventually and had a big panic attack :( and then surprise surprise, I passed out again.  Not nice :( and as if that wasn't bad enough, I had an asthma attack, because I forgot to take my inhaler.

So now I have a poorly chest :( and I've had no sleep.

So yeah, Happy New Year everyone!