Me.

Mood: lonely
Listening to: avril lavigne

Please!

I enjoy hearing other people's opinions on anything and everything.  I only have my own opinion to listen to, so it'd be good to hear other people's perspectives on things.

So if you do find yourself landing on my blog, then please leave a comment, even if it's just a short one.

Thankies :) xx

Mood: trusting noone
Listening to: the killers

Why do I feel all depressed?

All my head does is mess up.  I don't speak enough about how I'm feelin inside, so my mind trails off and thinks too much about my life.  I cover up how shit I feel with a smile and a joke.  I just wish I had the confidence, and the trust in people to tell them how I really feel.

I was lying in bed last night, just thinking, as you do.  And a question popped into my head.  Who do I really trust?  I have a HUGE problem with trusting people, that never quite makes sense.  It's something to do with being let down and betrayed by a lot of people in the past (mainly an old friend "V" who was like my sister, my dad, and two ex-boyfriends) and the fact that I don't trust myself.  Or maybe I just don't think anyone is really worthy of my trust.  I mean, why should you trust people?  If you trust people, you're giving them everything, believing everything they say.  And you're giving them one huge chance to hurt you.  To betray you.  To knock you down and mess you up.

I hate the word trust.  It should be destroyed!  Cut the word into lots of little pieces and then throw them away please someone.

But yeah, the answer to my question is I guess that deep down I trust absolutely NOONE.  Noone at all.  Not even Paul, and he'd hate to know that.  Actually, I do kind of trust him, but only to a certain extent.  I have a "trust circle" around me, and I'll only let people in to a certain extent.  There's a line that noone can ever cross.

Because I get hurt too easily.

Damn me!

I wish I could sort my life out.

Mood: loving him
Listening to: scissor sisters

Seeing as this would be way too long to text, I'll write what I want to say to you on here.  I could email it, but I'd rather write it on my blog, so I can remember how I was feeling at the time.  And considering you're the only person in my life who knows about my blog, then I guess it doesn't really matter.

Right, well this is what I wanted to say...

 

When I saw you on Christmas Day, come out of the car and look at me, with your new scarf on.  Something hit me. 

You mean everything to me.  I know I've said this a lot in my blog, but you really are my soulmate.

When I look at you, I feel something special.  Like I'd die for you.  Like if I thought you were upset, I'd jump on the first train I could to just try and make you feel even a tiny bit better.

I know none of this really makes sense.  But hey, this is me, and you should be used to it by now.  The only time I feel like myself is when I'm around you.  You make me want to be me.  Like last night, in my pyjamas I most probably looked a state.  I was also probably chattin shit.  But because I feel so close to you, I don't worry.  I don't worry about what I look like, what I'm talking about, or whether I'm embarrassing myself.  I don't feel as if I have to pretend to be someone I'm not, because you want me the way I am.You bring out the best in me, and I can't thank you enough for that. 

 

But I'm also really scared about some things.  You know what I'm like, I worry too much.  But since we're back together now, I want to ask and tell you a few things:

1- Do you really want to be with me?  I feel like I've pressured you into something you don't really want.  I gave you no choice, and I know you think I'm using you.  Isn't this proof I'm not using you?  I could cope without the sex and all that very easily.  All I want is a hug and a kiss, that'd be enough for me.  I don't want you for the sex.  I want you because I'm in love with you, more than I ever have been before.  But if you don't feel the same way, then I'd rather know now, so I can get on with my life.

2- What's going to happen when you go back to Uni?  I'm scared I'll get angry again, and blame you for being so far away, when I know it was completely out of your control before you met me anyway.  The "normal" me knows that, but when my head decides to go paranoid, there's no stopping me.  I don't want to ruin your life again, because I know how much I've messed your head up in the past.

3- Can you deal with my jealousy?  When you got with that girl, I've honestly never ever felt like that before in my life.  I wanted to kill her, to make her feel the pain I was feeling.  Still everytime I think about it, I just want to scream, or cry my eyes out.  What happens if I can't deal with it?  I'm scared you'll go back to Uni, and forget about me.  You'll be nearer to her than you are to me.  You'll be nearer to a hell of a lot of other girls than me.  I know I'm a total hypocrit, and I know you'd never do anything like that  Deep down I totally trust you.  It's just when I get in one of my moods, I can't stop myself.  I have no control, and even the pills don't help.  I don't think you really understand the extent of what happens.  It's just I know you wouldn't get with someone unless you really liked them, so you must have really liked her.  And I've always thought that if you like someone at a certain time, and they haven't changed, then you must still like them.  So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm worried you still like her, and want to be with her.  But like I said before, "normal" me knows you wouldn't do anything, but when I go off on one I'll always bring that up.  I know you'd be with her if she didn't have a boyfriend, and I'd be completely out of the picture, which really hurts.

4- What if I hurt you again?  I know you don't trust me, and you probably never completely will.  But I'm scared that I'll hurt you in someway that will make things even worse.  I promise I won't cheat on you.  I've changed with that at least, and I no longer feel the need to do it.  I'd just hate to hurt you.

 

I know we have something special.  We have so many memories, good and bad, and I want more to remember.  Like:

Happiest memory- West Kirby day

Most upset- Both nights before you going or going back to Uni.  Staff party when "You're beautiful" came on

Funniest- on our first date, when that big fat man sat infront of you at the cinema

So yeah, lots of memories.

 

I'm in love with you Paul, and noone could ever change the way I feel.

I want you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.

But I want you to put me straight, answer my questions and tell my what you're feeling.

Because I'm not about to give up on this.

 

You've given me hope that things can get better...

Mood: average
Listening to: special d

Well it's been a while.

Two weeks or so.

And in this two weeks I've finally come to my senses, and realised Si was treating me like shit.  I want nothing to do with him.

But two days ago (Christmas Day) I got back with Paul.  The person I've wanted to be with all along but I thought Id fucked it up.  Well, it appears I haven't and we're now going to give it another go. 

I've still got all these fears though.  What if I cheat?  What if I can't cope?  What if I get angry about him being at Uni?  What if it isn't meant to be?

I think way too negatively, and I always prepare myself for the worst situations.  I have a huge problem with that, and I wish I could sort it.  Even little things I do it over.  Like, when I've planned to go to the cinema, I'll prepare myself that they won't have any tickets left, so I won't be unhappy if I can't see the film.  Obviously this very rarely happens, but still, I can't get that way of thinking out of my head.

I hate it.

 

I got test results back aswell.  I'm not anaemic, and I haven't got an under-/over-active thyroid, so I guess that' something.  But they're still not sure about diabetes.

 

I'm also worried about Rob.  He was, well, to put in simply, slightly crazy about me.  I like him as a friend, and he is a little bit fit, but I've been there and it just didn't work.  But I don't think he understood and wanted more.  Now I'm back with Paul I don't know how he'll react, because he's pretty unstable himself.  I just don't want to hurt him :( and tomorrow, I've got to work with him and Paul, which is gonna be fun.  I just don't want to upset him, cos he's a good lad.

But yeah, that's me done for now, I might speak later.

Oh, and Merry Christmas.  Hope Santa brought you what you wanted :)

 

Mood: scared.angry,upset, worried........

Si.

Did something to me that he really shouldn't have.

:'(

 

 

Mood: depressed
Listening to: james blunt

I want Si.

I want him so badly, and I don't know why.

He treats me like shit, and if he clicked his fingers I'd jump.

I'd do anything for him.

But I guess I'm just not good enough!

I'm not good enough for anyone.

Now I officially know how it feels to have your heart broken.

 

This is killing me inside.

I'm fading...

 

Mood: shit
Listening to: kelly clarkson

I hate feelin like this.

Like noone would give a shit if I disappeared.  It'd be so easy to just sneak off and runaway, never to be seen again.  I just want to get away from everythin :(

My dad's been having an affair.  As if that alone wasn't bad enough, it'd been going on for two years.  Two fuckin years.  Two years of betrayin my family, and making my mum, my brother and I look like fools.  I hate him, I truly do.  And I also think my mum is one of the stupidest people on earth, as she's taken him back and forgiven him, and acting as if nothing's happened.  Why can't I feel like this?  Why am I the one that's hurting so much.

And another thing that's bothering me is that I have to go to the doctors on thursday.  They're going to "assess my situation".  Why do they have to use fancy words?  Why can't they just say it's to see how fucked up I am.  I hate nosy people prying into my life where it doesn't concern them.  It's none of their business!

And then there's boys.  Don't even get me started on boys.  Si has completely messed my head up, more than it was before, in the worst possible ways.  And Paul...well, he has to be a friend doesn't he?  I read something he wrote the other day, about how he was feeling.  It was pretty much about how much I'd messed his head up.  And I have.  I feel so guilty, I can't keep messing him around.  I feel like I've lost the most precious thing in my life.  But it's too late!

Mood: confused, lonely
Listening to: shania twain

Why do I feel so alone?

Like I've got noone to turn to, even though I so obviously have.  I've got some good friends, and a nice boyfriend I've recently met.  But I haven't got someone who I can connect with properly anymore.

I miss Paul so much.  I'm scared I've made a huge mistake in getting with Si, because he's just not like Paul.  Don't get me wrong Si's great but I don't know whether he's great enough.  Paul was special, and I think I've thrown something truly good away.  I still honestly believe I'll marry him.  I just don't know what all this means.

 

I haven't wrote in this for a long while.  Mostly because I just couldn't be arsed.  I wasn't being lazy, but this week I just haven't found the energy to physically do anything.  It's like my brains frozen, and I've been summoned to sleep for the past five days!  I think this means that I really have got diabetes :S because all I do is drink juice and sleep!  I just wish they'd hurry up and tell me, so I could get on with it.

Do you believe you have a soulmate?  I do.  Hand on my heart I think it's the "home" Paul, when he's not at Uni.  Everything is truly perfect then. 

 

Why do I feel like I'm with the wrong person?