Me.

Mood: here and there
Listening to: avril lavigne old album

Ever feel like you're losing your friends?

I'm so confused.

This blog is all I seem to do with my life!

But anyway, I have two best friends.  One is a boy and one is a girl.  The boy and me get on so well, like stupidly well.  But recently, the girl I feel like I hardly know anymore.  I've known her for about 4 years properly, and we've been through so much together.  It's really hard to explain, but we were so close.  Anyway, I just feel like I'm losing her to everyone else.  Like I've bored her so much with my life that she just wants to get away from me.  I don't know.  I really doubt she feels like that really, it's just my stupid paranoid mind going crazy again.  I know she loves me really.  It's just...I miss her.  A lot.

 

I had my driving lesson before.  That was fun.  My driving instructor said I would have passed if that was my real test.  So that's pretty cool, cos I was sure I'd completely fooked it up.  I'd like to pass...someday.  I just get so dam nervous!  And then the whole panic mode me kicks in, and I just lose it!

 

Random Thought- Don't you think music's wierd?  I mean, like you can listen to a song, and it completely shows how you feel at the time.  Or you can listen to a song that you haven't heard for ages, and it takes you back to where you were the last time you heard it.  I don't know why I thought about that now.  But I'm listening to Avril Lavigne's "Thing's I'll Never Say" off her first album, because I've got Windows Media Player on random.  That song brings so many memories back to me.  So many memories I miss.  I guess as you can probably tell already, I'm a very emotional person!  But that song reminds me off when I had 5 best friends a couple of years ago- A (the girl who is still my best friend now), B, L, S and V.  We would literally have DIED for each other, we were that close.  Anyway, we had so much fun when we were together.  That songs reminds me of all of us sitting in V's room, listening to Avril's album, because we were obsessed with her!  And then afterwards, me and B hopped and skipped down V's road, singin "hop dee da dah" (the first bit of "Thing's I'll Never Say" song if you haven't heard it!).  But then yeah, shit happened, everything screwed up, and are fabulous five group pretty much fell apart.  B and V ended up hating each other, and the rest of us were stuck in the middle of it all.  So we kind of drifted apart from there.  I so wish we could go back to that.  Back to being the 5 best friends who would have done anything for each other.  Even if it was just for a day.  ONE FUCKING DAY! 

But I guess that's never gonna happen.  I can dream though!

 

Why can I not stop writing?!  My fingers are just taking over, I've got no idea what's coming out.  This blog's helped me so much.  Helped me get all the shit out of my head.  Helped me write things out in a logical way and actually think about what the hell is going on.  That might not make sense to you, but for me it's a definite improvement!

Maybe I should stop for a while.  I'll wear my blog out, and get shouted at for taking this blog way too seriously!  Nah, if they did that I'd kick their ass!  This blog is my lifeline at the moment.  The only things that makes my life seem normal, because I can sort things out in a good way.  So yay, go me for actually doing something normal for a change!

Night blog x

Mood: just grr...
Listening to: oasis

You probably think I moan all the time.  I don't usually, honest!  It's just usually I keep things inside, and let them get messed up in my head.  But now I've got a different way to let things out.  A different way out than having to cut, or drink myself stupid.  A healthy way out!  I love how I can just write down every single thing I'm feeling, and noone can really say anything about it.

I'm gonna stick with this blog thing.  It's a way to release all that anger that's all squashed inside my stupid head!

Well, what I was going to say is why do students get treated so unfairly by teachers?  Do they not understand the whole equality thing?!  My geography teacher hates me.  I don't know why, but she's got a huge dislike for me!  Why me?!  I never miss deadlines, I do all the essays she gives us, I handed my coursework in on time when noone else did, and she still hates me!  I mean, what the hell more can I do?!

Grr....just grr...

Mood: pretty happy
Listening to: r kelly

Home from school for dinner.

 

Why is Rob threatening me, just because I don't want to be with him?

I want to hit him.

With a very big stick.

 

Why is it such a bad thing to love Paul?

I can't help feeling like this!

I effing heart him with all my effing heart.  Woo.

 

I'm pretty happy today actually.  I think I'm turning over a new leaf!  I've been trying to find this poem for ages though, and it's annoying me because I can't find it anywhere!  It's called "Think of Me".  I found it sometime last year or the year before, and gave it to a friend who was thinking about committing suicide :( anyway, it was a really nice poem of what I can remember, and yeah, I just kind of wanted to read it again.  But meh, nevermind.

These blogs are good.  I can ramble on and on and on, and if you don't want to listen, then fuck off.  But this means I don't have to bother Ste so much, with all my shit!

Isn't it wierd though, that random strangers can read these blogs?  I mean, a 50 year old managing director could be sitting at his desk, and read my blog.  He doesn't know who the hell I am, but he knows my most inner, deep thoughts/feelings etc.  I could walk past him in the street, tomorrow, and he wouldn't know I was the 17 year old he'd been learning about the night before.  It's so odd!

I think about things too much though.

Do you ever get pissed off about people thinking they know you, the real you, but they blatantly don't?  I can safely say that only two or three people know the real me, and none of them are my family.  I guess not many teenagers would tell their family everything though.  But still, I spend a hell of a lot of time at my house, but I might aswell just be living with the random strangers who read my blog!  I don't know them, they don't me, and frankly, I don't actually give a shit.  Well, I get on really well with my brother, but he's kind of just s distant friend.  He has his life and I have mine.  Then there's my mum, and it's pretty much the same.  But my dad!  Eugh.  Don't let me get started on him.  What I was really trying to say though is my friends.  They call themselves my friends, but they might aswell call themselves back-stabbing, two-faced little shits.  In particular one.  She has a way of controlling all the people around her, which just makes me want to scream.  But not me.  I refuse to be controlled by her! 

I'm on a rant now, but tough shit, you're just gonna have to listen to me!  Why do people make comments about me being aggressive?  I don't get it.  It's not like I sit down and force myself to argue with someone.  I have never been involved in a proper fight with anyone, and I believe fighting is wrong, as it solves nothing.  But somehow, whatever I do, it's never good enough.  I'm trying to calm myself down.  I'm trying my fucking hardest!  I'm on calming tablets which are helping.  But yeah, give me a break for God's sake guys!  I can't change myself just because you want me to, I've never been able to.  So either put up with it or fuck the hell off!

Okay, I've got everything out of my system for the time being, and I'm needed back in school!

Laters people.