Me.

Mood: confused
Listening to: avril lavigne

I want him. 

I thought after the cheating that he wasn't the one for me.  But he was.  And he is. 

I feel like I've changed so much.  Like all my life before him was so wasted.  The time we were together I was alive.  I'd never been so happy.

But now I don't know what I'm feeling.  I'd tried so hard to move on from him, because I never thought he'd want me again after what I did.  I hurt him so much.  But then he told me he wanted me.  Is that good or bad?

Good because that's what I want.

But bad because I could hurt him again.

These past couple of months have been the worst of my life.  And the only thing that's changed is not being with him.  He made me be me, he encouraged the person who I wanted to be to come out and not be afraid of stuff.  He showed me what love really meant, and how it feels to fall in love with someone.

All other lads I know would never be like this.  Others try to change me, or I try to hard to change myself and be like them, so I have something in common with them.  Like I try to trust them because they want me to, or I try to listen to the music they like because that's what they're into.  But not him.

So what does this mean?  I'm so messed up.  I want him so bad but I'm so scared.  I don't want to hurt him like I've done before.  Because now I know how it feels.

Hearing he'd got with someone, when he wasn't even going out with me, practically killed me.  I've never felt so jealous, so angry, so upset about anything before.  I wanted to kill her.  I wanted her to die painfully.  Knowing she'd got her hands on him.  Knowing he'd touched her. Just knowing he'd got with someone else.  Someone who wasn't me.

I couldn't do it to him again.  I know I wouldn't.  But what happens if I hurt him some other way?  What if I did something he didn't like?  What happens if he doesn't like me being on medication?

He might not like the me now.  I mean, how much more fucked up can I get?  I fucked up slut I am.  A fucked up slut who is on medication because she can't control herself.  A fucked up slut who is on the pill and has mood swings because of it.  A fucked up slut who punches her dad, because he made her angry.  A FUCKED UP STUPID SLUT.

I don't want to be like this.  I don't want to be anything if I can't be with him.  But I'm scared he'll hate the new me.

And what happens if we do get together again?  I'll get so jealous when he's at Uni, knowing that girl is nearer to him than I am.  I know he'll say "trust me, she means nothing".  And I would trust him.  But I don't trust my own mind, and the stupid stories it can come up with by itself.  I'll start thinking he fancies her.  I'll start thinking he's with her.  I'll start thinking he doesn't care about anything but her.  And even know I'd know myself it was bullshit, you know what my mind is like.  It's fucked up.  It does what it likes, and I don't really have a say.

And what happens when I go to Uni?  More distance, more time apart, more me doing my own thing and him doing his.

I'm so confused.

But I don't want Rob.  When I speak to him, all I want to do is scream and say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"  But what would he say if me and Paul got back together?  I'm scared he'd kick off.  I don't want to hurt him, even though I really really dislike him.

But I love Paul.

I FUCKIN LOVE HIM.

Why did I mess things up so bad?  Why do I not realise what I've got until it's gone?  Please someone tell me!

I want him.