Mood: hyper!
Listening to: madonna
Just a quick blog again, I never have time anymore with my bsuy life!
I'm in a really hyper mood today, I'm so happy!
I'm going to my friend's house in a bit. There's about 12 of us going so it'll be a good night I hope!
Bye! xx
Mood: confused but happy
Listening to: p.diddy
Very confused.
People not textin me back when I want them to :( leaving me confused all day, and not knowing what to do.
They could have a perfectly reasonable explanation, but then again they might not.
I just want them to speak to me!
Besides that, happy :)
Mood: happy! with a little bit of confusedness.
Listening to: oasis
I don't know what's happening to me!
I'm turning over a new leaf! I've been so fuckin happy the past couple of days.
But guess what?!
I'M NO LONGER ON MEDICATION FOR MY HEART!!!!!! I went to the hospital today, and they don't think it's as serious as they thought it was. Oh my state!
I feel so much more relaxed, like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel so much more normal! Okay, I'm not off all of my tablets, cos I'm still on six calming tablets a day, but that's nothing compared to what I was taking!
So yeah :) I'm happy.
The only thing I'm a bit confused about is Paul. I think it's better if we stay friends. I still love him, but it'd never work, and I'm scared I'd end up hurting him again. So I guess this is for the best.
I also like someone else. Nothing's gonna happen, because he'd never look at me in that way I don't think. But he's just really nice. I just hope Paul would understand.
Mood: Happy for once!
Listening to: Craig David
Okay, considering I cant blog because of hackers, ill blog on word and then transfer it! I had a good night yesterday. Went out with lotsa fun people and even got to go in a mini! I’m obsessed with them at the moment. They’re like THE best cars in the world. I want, I want! Anyway, everything was good last night, apart from someone broke my phone and I got all stressed out. But it’s all sorted now so nevermind. I also drank a bit of alcohol (which I’m not meant to do because of my medication) but it didn’t affect me, so I may just do it again tonight! REBEL!
Anyway, tonight I’m off to my friend H’s 18th birthday party, should be fun cos there’s LOADS of people going, who are all really good friends of mine J woo!
I better go off an have a shower now and get some tea, cos I’m going round early to help set up stuff etc.
I’M SO HAPPY FOR ONCE YAY!
Speak soon peeps x
Mood: fed up
Listening to: mr brightside- mcfly version
Ever feel like noone would really care if you dropped down dead?
That's how I feel right now.
I'm so fed up with life. The same things happen over and over again. School. Panic attacks. Going on my computer. Eating. Going to bed. That's basically my life.
I want it to change. I want something good to happen. Or at least something interesting. The only thing I'm looking forward to is going to see Harry Potter. And that's generally a sad thing to be excited about, considering how old I am!
I just wish someone could give me a "normal" heart. One that doesn't have to fuck up so often. One which doesn't need so many pills to keep it going properly. The maybe I'd stop having all these panic attacks, and I'd get rid of all the people who feel sorry for me. I don't want sympathy, I just want them to leave me alone!
Today was pretty shit. I fainted on the way to work experience, alone. I came round to find a random woman helping me, asking me all these questions. I was fine after a few minutes, but it's just scary. I didn't even feel panicky or anything. It's like something can control me. And decide what I should be doing. I'm completely limited to what I do now. I'm too scared to do some things, because of my panic attacks. I don't want to be alone if I have one. I know that's agoraphobia, I don't need you all telling me that. But meh, I'll get better soon anough I hope.
I'm trying to cling onto a positive attitude, but it's so hard! I've never thought positively ever. Paul always used to say to me "why be unhappy when you can let yourself be happy?" or something along the lines of that. It makes sense really. But it doesn't really make sense if you're so negative about yourself.
I have been trying though. I can see how I used to ignore all the good things about my life, and just focus on the bad. Like for one thing, I love spending time with my family. At least I know they love me. And want me around.
I still miss Paul though. He's coming home for Christmas soon. 9th December or something like that. But I don't know how I'll react when I see him. And I'm worried about what Rob will say to him too. I'll know he'll fuck everything up with me and Paul if he had the chance, just because I turned him down.
Oh it's a confusing life being a teenager...
Mood: okay
Listening to: james blunt
Just a quick blog today, because I'm a busy bee. Lots of Coursework etc to do, what fun.
My day was okay I guess. Better than yesterday but still pretty crap. I had more panic attacks, so more missing lessons :( that may sound good for some people, missing lessons, but this is my last year at school so it's hard enough without having to miss important stuff aswell.
I'm quite excited about Saturday night though. It's my friend H's 18th birthday, so we're all going to a party at her house. That should be pretty cool, apart from the fact that I'm not really supposed to drink, because of all the pills I'm on. But I will just drink a small amount, and then stop. But Ste said he'll only drink the same amount as I do, so I'm not left on my own. He said we can be slightly sober together! Bless him, I love that guy. Lots! But only as a best friend, so don't get the wrong idea! He looks after me so much, so I don't know what I'd do without him! I'm gonna have to cope without him though next September :( because I'm moving away to go to Uni, and he's just getting a job where we live. He's going to come up to see me as often as possible though, so he's not gonna get rid of me that easily :D I hope I don't miss him too much when he's not there. Him and my girl best friend are the only two people I'm gonna really miss from school. I don't care about anyone else much. How selfish is that! No, only because they don't give a shit about me. I'm just their "friend", if you can call it that. Someone to sit with in school, or go shopping with, or get drunk with. Not someone who we could confide our secrets with, or help each other if we were down. I've got enough people to confide my secrets with though, thankyou very much. If I was asked "which three people out of your friends would you save if an earthquake was coming, and you were the only person who had a car to get away from it?" I definitely know who the three people would be. That probably sounds really mean though, but if it had to be done I know who I'd pick. Think about it, I'm sure you'd have three people in your head and think about doing the same!
Anyway that's me done for now. I think I'd better go and have a shower, because I probably smell really bad!
<3
Mood: loved u on avril's music!
Listening to: avril lavigne of course!
I'd forgotten how much I adore Avril Lavigne. I effing love her. She is so effing cool!
Her music is so good. I'm into a lot of music, but you could say that I'm basically in love with Avril's music! Especially her first album. Her songs "Tomorrow", "Thing's I'll Never Say" and "Naked", and "Fall to pieces" off her second album are just basically my life in general!
Please listen to her music!
Mood: fed up
Listening to: busted
Me again.
Last Night
Okay so I told him about my blog . I don't know why. Spur of the moment kind of thing. But yeah. He cleared a few things up, but he wasn't keen on reading my blog. Said it was mine and it should be kept secret. Don't really know what that's meant to mean, but meh. Maybe he just can't be arsed. Guess I'll never know though, because I won't ask him, and I doubt he'll read this now. Nevermind though.
Anyway, I still have Rob on my back, pestering me. At first it was just insults, but then last night he went crazy, and told me he couldn't live without me. I hardly know the guy! But anyway, he's been through some shit in his life, so I tried to help as best as I could. Don't know whether it's helped though. I'm beginning to think it was maybe just to get me to say I wanted to be with him, because he knows how sensitive I am and how upset I get. But then again, if he is telling the truth, that's a really mean thing for me to have said. But again, I'll never know will I.
Today
Okay so today was a very bad day. Very very bad. My morning was okay. I had my appointment for Uni stuff, and I've pretty much got that sorted thank God. But then it got to dinnertime, and everything kind of went down hill from there.
This boy was there. The boy who you can pretty much say I had a brief past with him. Not even that really. One kiss we had, one kiss that meant absolutely nothing and destroyed what I had with Paul. So anyway basically, he just can't let go. He can't leave me be! He gets satisfaction out of annoying me, winding me up, irritating me. He does it on purpose, and he knows how hard it is for me to control my temper. Especially recently.
So anyway, he walked into the common room at dinner and just stood right behind me poking me. He said "hello" in a really sarcastic voice. I tried to play it cool and said "hello" back, like anyone else would do. But no, that isn't enough. So then he decided to shout "look she's ignoring me" and a load of other shit. I said, again in a very calm voice (which is unusual for me!) "can you please leave me alone?". But still, no he couldn't. He said something and then stormed out of the common room, like the big attention seeker he is. So I followed him and was about to shout. But then I thought, is this really worth it? So I turned round and Ste (my bestest best friend) was there. My hero! He asked me if I was okay, like he always does, and gave me a big big big hug which was just what I needed before going back into the common room.
After that, dinner finished and I started walking up to registration with Ste. I could feel myself drifting away when I was walking up the stairs. Thank God Ste noticed. I knew from then it was gonna be a bad panic attack. I just knew. Instead of shouting at the lad before I'd left it inside, so now all my frustration was gonna come out in another way. The other way I hate, and can't handle.
So anyway, I got to form and had stupid panic attacks. But everyone was there for me, most importantly Ste :) I love him! Then I had English next though :( we were waiting outside to go into class, and Ste asked me if I was alright. So I just looked at him and burst into tears! God damn me, big stupid emotional person! But he took me away and sorted me out so meh, I was okay.
Then after school I went trampolining. I was in no fit state to be trampolining, but I just HAD to go. It tires me out so im too knackered to do anything. Like too tired to argue. Or too tired to think. Meh. But that helped a lot. I got everything out of my system by bounce bounce bouncing away!
That's pretty much been my day so far. A bad day, but getting better. As long as that stupid boy stays out of my face, then I'll be fine.
My life is like a walking, talking soap opera. So much drama, and so little time to think!
Random Thoughts
Isn't it great when people have the power to do something so little, but it makes someone so happy? That's what Ste's just done to me. He filled in this quiz thing. You know the sort. Like asking you your name, what you like etc. But this one had a section about friends. He said some really nice things about me. Like I'm the person he trusts the most etc. And one question was "Do you feel lonely?" He put "no, cos I'm talking to my best friend." That made me smile. Lots. Knowing that someone has bothered to waste their time writing about me. ME! I dunno. Things like that make me really really happy. I like knowing people want me around. I'm never positive about myself ever, which is why I ended up in so much shit in the past, but hearing comments like that make you think twice about yourself. Pretty cool hey.
I still love Paul.
I haven't spoken to him much today, which is a bit sad. Well I have, just not as much as I'd like to. I could talk to him for days, weeks non-stop and I'd still find something to talk about with him. I guess he's just one of those people. Or just that person for me.
Mood: here and there
Listening to: avril lavigne old album
Ever feel like you're losing your friends?
I'm so confused.
This blog is all I seem to do with my life!
But anyway, I have two best friends. One is a boy and one is a girl. The boy and me get on so well, like stupidly well. But recently, the girl I feel like I hardly know anymore. I've known her for about 4 years properly, and we've been through so much together. It's really hard to explain, but we were so close. Anyway, I just feel like I'm losing her to everyone else. Like I've bored her so much with my life that she just wants to get away from me. I don't know. I really doubt she feels like that really, it's just my stupid paranoid mind going crazy again. I know she loves me really. It's just...I miss her. A lot.
I had my driving lesson before. That was fun. My driving instructor said I would have passed if that was my real test. So that's pretty cool, cos I was sure I'd completely fooked it up. I'd like to pass...someday. I just get so dam nervous! And then the whole panic mode me kicks in, and I just lose it!
Random Thought- Don't you think music's wierd? I mean, like you can listen to a song, and it completely shows how you feel at the time. Or you can listen to a song that you haven't heard for ages, and it takes you back to where you were the last time you heard it. I don't know why I thought about that now. But I'm listening to Avril Lavigne's "Thing's I'll Never Say" off her first album, because I've got Windows Media Player on random. That song brings so many memories back to me. So many memories I miss. I guess as you can probably tell already, I'm a very emotional person! But that song reminds me off when I had 5 best friends a couple of years ago- A (the girl who is still my best friend now), B, L, S and V. We would literally have DIED for each other, we were that close. Anyway, we had so much fun when we were together. That songs reminds me of all of us sitting in V's room, listening to Avril's album, because we were obsessed with her! And then afterwards, me and B hopped and skipped down V's road, singin "hop dee da dah" (the first bit of "Thing's I'll Never Say" song if you haven't heard it!). But then yeah, shit happened, everything screwed up, and are fabulous five group pretty much fell apart. B and V ended up hating each other, and the rest of us were stuck in the middle of it all. So we kind of drifted apart from there. I so wish we could go back to that. Back to being the 5 best friends who would have done anything for each other. Even if it was just for a day. ONE FUCKING DAY!
But I guess that's never gonna happen. I can dream though!
Why can I not stop writing?! My fingers are just taking over, I've got no idea what's coming out. This blog's helped me so much. Helped me get all the shit out of my head. Helped me write things out in a logical way and actually think about what the hell is going on. That might not make sense to you, but for me it's a definite improvement!
Maybe I should stop for a while. I'll wear my blog out, and get shouted at for taking this blog way too seriously! Nah, if they did that I'd kick their ass! This blog is my lifeline at the moment. The only things that makes my life seem normal, because I can sort things out in a good way. So yay, go me for actually doing something normal for a change!
Night blog x
Mood: just grr...
Listening to: oasis
You probably think I moan all the time. I don't usually, honest! It's just usually I keep things inside, and let them get messed up in my head. But now I've got a different way to let things out. A different way out than having to cut, or drink myself stupid. A healthy way out! I love how I can just write down every single thing I'm feeling, and noone can really say anything about it.
I'm gonna stick with this blog thing. It's a way to release all that anger that's all squashed inside my stupid head!
Well, what I was going to say is why do students get treated so unfairly by teachers? Do they not understand the whole equality thing?! My geography teacher hates me. I don't know why, but she's got a huge dislike for me! Why me?! I never miss deadlines, I do all the essays she gives us, I handed my coursework in on time when noone else did, and she still hates me! I mean, what the hell more can I do?!
Grr....just grr...
Mood: pretty happy
Listening to: r kelly
Home from school for dinner.
Why is Rob threatening me, just because I don't want to be with him?
I want to hit him.
With a very big stick.
Why is it such a bad thing to love Paul?
I can't help feeling like this!
I effing heart him with all my effing heart. Woo.
I'm pretty happy today actually. I think I'm turning over a new leaf! I've been trying to find this poem for ages though, and it's annoying me because I can't find it anywhere! It's called "Think of Me". I found it sometime last year or the year before, and gave it to a friend who was thinking about committing suicide :( anyway, it was a really nice poem of what I can remember, and yeah, I just kind of wanted to read it again. But meh, nevermind.
These blogs are good. I can ramble on and on and on, and if you don't want to listen, then fuck off. But this means I don't have to bother Ste so much, with all my shit!
Isn't it wierd though, that random strangers can read these blogs? I mean, a 50 year old managing director could be sitting at his desk, and read my blog. He doesn't know who the hell I am, but he knows my most inner, deep thoughts/feelings etc. I could walk past him in the street, tomorrow, and he wouldn't know I was the 17 year old he'd been learning about the night before. It's so odd!
I think about things too much though.
Do you ever get pissed off about people thinking they know you, the real you, but they blatantly don't? I can safely say that only two or three people know the real me, and none of them are my family. I guess not many teenagers would tell their family everything though. But still, I spend a hell of a lot of time at my house, but I might aswell just be living with the random strangers who read my blog! I don't know them, they don't me, and frankly, I don't actually give a shit. Well, I get on really well with my brother, but he's kind of just s distant friend. He has his life and I have mine. Then there's my mum, and it's pretty much the same. But my dad! Eugh. Don't let me get started on him. What I was really trying to say though is my friends. They call themselves my friends, but they might aswell call themselves back-stabbing, two-faced little shits. In particular one. She has a way of controlling all the people around her, which just makes me want to scream. But not me. I refuse to be controlled by her!
I'm on a rant now, but tough shit, you're just gonna have to listen to me! Why do people make comments about me being aggressive? I don't get it. It's not like I sit down and force myself to argue with someone. I have never been involved in a proper fight with anyone, and I believe fighting is wrong, as it solves nothing. But somehow, whatever I do, it's never good enough. I'm trying to calm myself down. I'm trying my fucking hardest! I'm on calming tablets which are helping. But yeah, give me a break for God's sake guys! I can't change myself just because you want me to, I've never been able to. So either put up with it or fuck the hell off!
Okay, I've got everything out of my system for the time being, and I'm needed back in school!
Laters people.
Mood: oddly very happy!
Listening to: james blunt, kaiser chiefs
He rang me before, and told me he'd fainted.
He's so God damn cute!
I <3 him.
Lots.
Then I text him just now asking him to ring me, which he did :D but I'd woke him up, so I felt a little mean :( he didn't really sound that keen on speaking either, so I don't know what that's meant to mean :S nevermind, I'll think about that later. Anyway, we had a stupid conversation, mainly me being stupid, and I told him to go outside and look at the moon. He did :D so then it was wierd because he was looking at the same moon that I was :D yes, I'm odd.
But for the first time in fucking ages I'm feeling happy. SO HAPPY! Because he spoke to me. And he did something for me. FOR ME!
So does he hate me? Or does he love me? Does he want to be with me? Or does he want to just be friends?
Aaah so confusing!
Sometimes I can't stand the bubble I live in.
Too much drama!
Mood: pissed off
Listening to: My Chemical Romance
I FUCKIN HATE THEM!
I'd like them to die.
Please.
Because when I have one, it makes me die a little bit more too :(
Not fair!
Grr, I'm still waiting for that person to come along and tell me how I can make them stop.
Hurry please!
Because I'm waiting....
waiting....
FOR YOU TO HELP ME!
Mood: happier, just a fluke?!
Listening to: lion king/sterophonics/blink 182 since I started writing this!
I just wrote this entry out, and then my computer died :( but I'll write most of it out again anyway.
Well I went on a big shopping trip yesterday to Manchester, so I had lots of time to think on the journey there and back.
I thought about everything I could possibly think about in that 3 hours! My whole life. But most of all, him of course.
On the way home, when I was sitting there in my own world, I watched an accident happen. It was really scary. On the other side of the motorway, two cars overturned, and then lots of police and fire engines, and even the army turned up! It was horrible though. So what did I do? I HAD to tell him. I didn't want to speak to anyone else apart from him, not even my mum who was sitting right next to me. I just kind of realised right there and then how much I missed him. I needed to tell him. Well, I tried to tell him anyway. I hope he got the point. I said "I just wish you could love me like you used to :(". So he text back saying "looking back at that you should count yourself lucky you weren't there, and I'm glad you weren't. I know how scary it is seeing that. I hope you're okay." I know he meant well, but I just wanted him to turn round and say of course I love you like I used to, I always have and I always will. Or something alongs the lines of that.
But nevermind hey, I can dream I guess.
I don't really know what he wants though. Maybe he should just tell me he doesn't want me. It's jsut one minute he says he loves me, and the next he just acts like a friend. I know that's probably my fault because I told him we need to talk, BUT I JUST WANT HIM TO LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE HIM!
I'm in love with him for God's sake!
I feel like I'm stalking him. Constantly thinking about him, and writing so much about him that he hasn't even read! Nevermind, I'll tell him eventually I think.
The medication is kind of helping though. Well I think it is. It doesn't stop the arguments happening, but it stops me getting to the point of wanting to kill someone! So yeah, I guess that's an improvement.
No such luck with the panic attacks though :( they still control my life, and I guess they always will.
Mood: confused
Listening to: avril lavigne
I want him.
I thought after the cheating that he wasn't the one for me. But he was. And he is.
I feel like I've changed so much. Like all my life before him was so wasted. The time we were together I was alive. I'd never been so happy.
But now I don't know what I'm feeling. I'd tried so hard to move on from him, because I never thought he'd want me again after what I did. I hurt him so much. But then he told me he wanted me. Is that good or bad?
Good because that's what I want.
But bad because I could hurt him again.
These past couple of months have been the worst of my life. And the only thing that's changed is not being with him. He made me be me, he encouraged the person who I wanted to be to come out and not be afraid of stuff. He showed me what love really meant, and how it feels to fall in love with someone.
All other lads I know would never be like this. Others try to change me, or I try to hard to change myself and be like them, so I have something in common with them. Like I try to trust them because they want me to, or I try to listen to the music they like because that's what they're into. But not him.
So what does this mean? I'm so messed up. I want him so bad but I'm so scared. I don't want to hurt him like I've done before. Because now I know how it feels.
Hearing he'd got with someone, when he wasn't even going out with me, practically killed me. I've never felt so jealous, so angry, so upset about anything before. I wanted to kill her. I wanted her to die painfully. Knowing she'd got her hands on him. Knowing he'd touched her. Just knowing he'd got with someone else. Someone who wasn't me.
I couldn't do it to him again. I know I wouldn't. But what happens if I hurt him some other way? What if I did something he didn't like? What happens if he doesn't like me being on medication?
He might not like the me now. I mean, how much more fucked up can I get? I fucked up slut I am. A fucked up slut who is on medication because she can't control herself. A fucked up slut who is on the pill and has mood swings because of it. A fucked up slut who punches her dad, because he made her angry. A FUCKED UP STUPID SLUT.
I don't want to be like this. I don't want to be anything if I can't be with him. But I'm scared he'll hate the new me.
And what happens if we do get together again? I'll get so jealous when he's at Uni, knowing that girl is nearer to him than I am. I know he'll say "trust me, she means nothing". And I would trust him. But I don't trust my own mind, and the stupid stories it can come up with by itself. I'll start thinking he fancies her. I'll start thinking he's with her. I'll start thinking he doesn't care about anything but her. And even know I'd know myself it was bullshit, you know what my mind is like. It's fucked up. It does what it likes, and I don't really have a say.
And what happens when I go to Uni? More distance, more time apart, more me doing my own thing and him doing his.
I'm so confused.
But I don't want Rob. When I speak to him, all I want to do is scream and say "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" But what would he say if me and Paul got back together? I'm scared he'd kick off. I don't want to hurt him, even though I really really dislike him.
But I love Paul.
I FUCKIN LOVE HIM.
Why did I mess things up so bad? Why do I not realise what I've got until it's gone? Please someone tell me!
I want him.
