Me.

Mood: guess
Listening to: oasis

Feeling so shit.  So low.  So depressed.  Again.

Why does nothing I do ever go right?  It never does.  Never.

I'm not a bad person.  Okay, I'm a paranoid, jealous, self-conscious little slut, but hey, deal with it.  I do.  And to be honest, I wouldn't give a shit if people did care.  Noone can hate me more than I hate myself.  I didn't think I believed in hate, but maybe I do.  Or whatever this feeling is towards myself isn't nice.

I thought I was getting over all this.  All this pain, and constantly feeling so low.  I want to be normal for once.  I want my friends to remember me as how I was before.  I could be funny then.  I could make them smile.  But now?  I feel as if I can't do anything to please them.  I know what some of them are saying behind my back.  They don't realise how much it gets to me.

I want to just curl up or runaway from everyone and everything that is happening around me.  I can't deal with it anymore.  I want to...what do I want to do?  I wouldn't go to the extreme of saying I want to die, because I don't.  I just want to...do bad things right now.  Maybe I will.

I went back to the stupid thing I used to do again today.  I thought I was over it.  I found out that I'm completely not.  It was horrible.  I chose it over someone I love.  I had so much fuckin desperation to do it that I couldn't think of anyone else but myself.  Something clicked in my head, and that was it, nothing could stop me.  But then he did it :'(

I'm so fat.  So ugly and disgusting.  I need to sort myself out.  Go the gym, or at least eat healthily.  But why don't I?  No time and no motivation.  So that's not going to happen.  I just keep getting bigger and bigger, and carry on hating myself.  Hate hate hate.

I fucked up today with Jon.  If I hadn't said anything, It wouldn't have got to what it did.  I can't even put into words what happened.  It's all too stupid.  Too painful.  So unbelievable that it got to that.

I want this all to stop.  For good.  But it can't and it won't.  I just want to tear my heart open and get rid of all the bad stuff im feeling.

Mood: confused
Listening to: arctic monkeys

So me and Jon had a little argument yesterday.  About Paul ringing and spoiling the "moment".  I wouldn't have answered the phone, but Jon told me to, so I thought I was doing the right thing.  But I guess men talk shit, and it's always my fault.

I don't know why I'm confused, I just am.  I don't want this to turn into another fucked up relationship like all the others in the past.  I want him to be different.  Different like I thought he was.  I can't stop thinking about him, I always want to be with him.  I've fallen for him, and I'm just scared everything's going to go wrong now, like it usually does.

You know about the whole trust thing?  I find it really hard to trust people, however hard I try.  Well usually, I never want to trust anyone, let alone try to trust them.  But with Jon, I want to trust him.  But now this has happened, even though it's really nothing, I feel like I shouldn't put myself through trusting him.  What if I trust him and then something happens between us?  I can't imagine what I'd be like them.

My head is so messed up.  Everything's messed up.  Am I ready for this relationship?  Me and Jon are already so close, so couply, so...perfect.  I don't know whether I'm ready for all this again, because it always ends in tears.  Alex.  Si.  Paul.  Look what happened there.  Being with someone always ends in tears.  Always.  And I can't handle that again.  Not after everything that's happened.

I've had a shit day.  A shit couple of days actually.  My parents are constantly getting at me, trying to make stuff worse than it already is.  Am I really that much of a person that they keep saying I am?  I'm only 17, and I can't handle the pressure they keep putting on me.  Why can't they ask Mark to do things for once?  My mum's hurt her back, so she can't physically do anything, but why should she take it out on me?  And my dad is just being unbelievable, asking me to do anything he can think of.  I'm trying my best to do what he wants, but doesn't he understand it's fucking hard?  Just speaking to him irritates me.  He'll start talking, and I just want to scream in his face.

I wish I could get on with him.

I hate feeling like this.  Depressed.  Alone.  Taking it out on everyone else.  Jon in particular.  That whole thing yesterday with us was stupid.

And aswell as that, my panic attacks are getting worse.  I'm having on average 2 a day in school.  If that's happening, how can I be expected to want to go to school?  I hate it there.  I've got too much work to do, too much pressure from my parents, and teachers to be perfect.  I didn't ask to be clever.  But because I kind of am, I have everyone pushing me to constantly do better.  I know I'm not going to get the grades they want me to get, because I've given up.  They don't know I'm hardly going to any of my lessons.  I can't and I won't, because I just don't want to do it anymore.  It's a waste of time.  I don't want to go to Uni anymore.  Not if I'm gonna be like this for another 4 years of my life.  It's stupid.

I've got so much going on that I just can't handle it anymore.  How about I just go back to how everything was before...

Mood: random
Listening to: random

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut,

My weakness is I care too much.

The scars remind me,

My past is real,

Tear my heart open,

Just to feel.

Mood: alive
Listening to: james blunt

Haven't written in here for a while.

Things have changed.  A lot.  I'm not with Paul anymore.  I couldn't be.  Not when I feel like this about someone else. 

I've fell in love.  With someone I hardly know. 

Jon <3

I didn't know it was possible to feel like this.  I feel so alive.  Like I could do anything, and everything, and nothing else matters.  I can't think straight.  I can't focus on anything else but him.  This is the real thing.

This is too perfect though. 

How do I tell him how I feel?

I'll write again later x

 

Mood: random
Listening to: the killers

I just can’t look its killing me,
And taking control,

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea,
Swimming through sick lullabies,
Choking on your alibis,
But it’s just the price I pay,
Destiny is calling me,
Open up my eager eyes,

‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside.

"The song is about the deep dark depths of the jealous mind. It's a dark place sometimes, and I think we captured it pretty well."  So true.

 

My mind gets too jealous.  Far too jealous.  This is my favourite song in the whole wide world, and I've jsut realised how much meaning it really has in it.

I <3 it.

Mood: sad :(
Listening to: sugarcult

I want to get out.

Away.

Away from all this shit that keeps happening around me.

I'm so tempted to go back to all my old ways again, even though it only solves things for a short period of time.  But it's so easy to slip into all that again.  All you have to do is grab one thing...

I feel so shit.  Like half of me is missing.  I miss Paul so much, and I want him to come home so badly.  I need him so much and I'm not used to having to cope with shit on my own.  He's always been here for me.  Always.

I've never felt so alone.  I need him so badly right now :'(

 

 

 

Mood: confused
Listening to: destinys child, oasis

Old friends that hurt you in the past.

Are they really worth the hassle again?

My "used to be" best friend dragged me through so much shit in the past, and screwed my head up as much as she possibly could.  Now the situation is that she has no friends, and feels sorry for herself.  Should I try and help her even though I still haven't forgiven her for what she did?  Should I try and help her AGAIN even though it never worked out in the past?  I've tried so hard to make things right again between us, and it's never happened.

Meh, I can't be bothered writing about her, she's taken up to much of my time and life as it is.

I miss Pauly.  I need to talk to him about all this, and I need a "Pauly" cuddle.

Mood: pissed off, upset, hurt
Listening to: sugarcult

Why does this always happen to me?

Why do Paul and I always get into shitty arguments, that end up in a slagging match and not speaking for ages?

Everything was fine yesterday, up until when he rang me last night.  We ended up arguing about some batteries, how ridiculous.  I told him to get some rechargable batteries for his trip to Thailand, but he wouldn't listen.  So then the argument developed into a whole load of other shit as usual, and now he's just being a complete asshole.

I was sick last night, but dad made me go to school anyway, so I was feeling shit enough without having Paul on my back too.  Anyway, I apologised, even though I didn't think I was in the wrong, and he didn't have the decency to say anything back.  I text him numerous times today, all of which he completely ignored.  So then I rang him and asked him why he was treating me like this.  His answer was "im busy on my computer".  I then rang him later on, asking again why he was ignoring me, and he was "busy making his tea".  I mean, how fucking hard is it to text someone back, or just text someone saying you're busy?  I really don't understand him.  I'm seeing a horrible side of him I never knew about.  A side that hurts me and accuses me of shit.  Like, he accused me of hating him before.  I mean, I fucking love him, so how fucking dare he say something so ridiculous as that.  And he said I've got a grudge against him.  A grudge against what exactly?  I have absolutely no idea what the fuck he keeps going on about.  All of it doesn't make sense, none of it at all.

I feel like we're drifting apart again, in like the space of a day.  I'd felt so close to him recently, and now it's just going to pieces.  I have this awful feeling that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Maybe he wants to be with that girl again.  That fucking bitch who touched him.

Mood: pretty happy, but missing him
Listening to: kaiser chiefs

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.  Hope your day is more interesting than mine!

I don't agree with Valentine's Day.  We agreed to only exchange cards, no presents, because a) we can't be together today and b) the whole concept is a huge con for card companies to rake in all the money.  I don't need a single day of the year to tell Paul I'm in love with him, because I can do that any and everyday of the year. 

But I am missing Paul a hell of a lot, hearing people talking about what their doing with their partners.  I'm not jealous or anything, I just wish we could be together today, and go out for a nice meal.  But Paul's off to Thailand in two days, and he has an exam tomorrow, so he could hardly just come back from Uni for the night could he!  Nevermind hey.

I have a ton of work to do, which is getting pretty ridiculous.  We break up from school on Friday, for February Half Term, so the teachers are really laying it on thick.  I've got 2 pieces of psych coursework to do, a piece of geography coursework on AIDS, 2 geography essays on El Nino, geography notes on TNC's, a geography presentation, 2 posters on language change for English, and an English Essay, and I'm expected to do all this in a week, aswell as working 9-5 out of 7 of the 9 days.  When am I meant to have the time to do all this?  It's takes the piss really.

I've just finished reading "Tiger's Child" by Torey Hayden.  Anyone read it?  The first in the series is "One Child".  They're amazing.  If you've never heard of them, then basically, they're the true story of an educational psych (Torey Hayden) who amazingly helps this six year old girl, Shiela.  It's so good, but upsetting.  Please read it!

Anyway, that's about all I've got to say at the moment.  Bye for now!

Mood: happy turned sad :(
Listening to: random

So did everyone have a problem with not being able to blog here?  I even set up an account on Xanga.com because I couldn't blog on here, but never really got round to blogging there.  It seemed too complex really.  I mean, when I blog, all I want to do is write things down as soon as they come into my head, in no order.  I don't want to change the whole colour theme of my page, or tell everyone who I am, which I felt inclined to do at Xanga.  Blogigo is really straightforward, which is why I like it.  All you have to do is write.

So anyway, I've been away for a long time.  I gave up on visiting this site for a while, because I thought it was my computer that didn't like it.  I can't really remember what mood I was in, or how I was feeling the last time I wrote in this blog.

It seems it was around New Year, after the big argument.  Well, incase you were wondering, everything is now fine at home at the moment.  I'm not getting at my dad anymore, because basically, I don't see the point.  I pity him because he's so pathetic, so i pretty much don't let him bother me.  I think the argument hit him hard too though, and I guess he's beginning to understand how he has been destroying our family.  We've all been walking on eggshells around him for too long now.

Other good things have been happening too.  I passed my theory test recently, and I've booked my practical test, meaning hopefully it won't be too long before I can legally drive!  School's okay too, panic attacks are stopping, and overall, life really isn't too bad.

Aswell as that, I feel like Paul and I are closer than we've ever been before.  Today he went back to Uni, after coming home for the weekend for his birthday.  We had a good weekend.  Thursday night we went to a few bars, then a club.  Friday we went to the cinema, played some pool, went for a meal, ate birthday cake and basically had a nice day enjoying each others company.  Saturday, we stayed at mine for a bit, then went for a drive and a walk along a nice local front, which sells gorgeous icecream.  Then we went for another meal, and basically ate way too much food.  I'm gutted he's gone now though.  I won't see him for at least three weeks, because he's off to Thailand.  Three weeks might not seem much to some people.  But to me, it's a long time.  Everytime he goes, it hurts just that little bit more.

But being so close to him does have its problems.  I have such this huge amount of paranoia and jealousy inside me that it's just ridiculous.  Why did I have to turn out like this?  I love everything about him.  Everything.  I mean, I couldn't possibly imagine myself marrying anyone else but him now, and I'm only 17.  People might think I'm being too forward, and that anything could happen.  But "anything" has happened, and we've got through all of it.  He is the one. 

But when I think about him and that other girl, I hate him.  And I mean, when I'm in that frame of mind, I truly hate him.  I feel pure hatred towards him, as if he's completely betrayed me.  I want him to have just wanted me when we were going out, not just some another girl he just met and then jumped on.

I know this is all because I have low self-esteem.  I know that's partially my fault, and everything that's happened in the past, but he didn't exactly help the matter did he?  Him doing what he did makes me feel even more unwanted, as if I don't fit in anywhere.  He has his own life at Uni, which I'm not included in.  That hurts.  As if there's not really a place for me at all, like I just float about in the background.  I bet he wished it had worked out with her, because she's so close to him.  How do i know they don't meet up everyday?  How do I know he doesn't still like her?  It hurts. 

I can never stop myself thinking about it.  Never.  Ever since the day he told me, there's honeslty not been one day since I haven't thought about it.  And that creates problems too.  Because when I think about it, I want to talk about it too.  And guess who doesn't want to talk about it.  Him.  And guess who gets pissed off when I mention it.  Him.  What he doesn't realise is that him getting pissed off makes me trust him even less.  It makes me feel like he's got something to hide.  And if he has, I wish he'd just tell me.

Aswell as that, I do really really really miss him.  I think this is why I feel so low at the moment.  I want to see him again.  Just once, even if it was just for a few minutes.  I need a cuddle.  One of those big special "him" cuddles, where only he can make me feel better.  I can dream though I suppose.  I guess we can't always get what we want.

 

I think I'd better go now.  I'm depressing myself a lot, and this started off as a good blog, which has steadily gone downhill.  I'll blog again soon.