Wake UP
Mood: Uplifted
Listening to: The hum of my server (again)
February 11
I could hear the alarm clock ringing down the hall, and hustled to preserve a few minutes of morning solitude. Rounding the corner I saw my 3 year old slide to the floor, cross the room, slap the snooze button and climb back into bed. I waited for my thoughts to process. At first I was gently amused he'd inherited my tendency to doze (perhaps to excess). The next thought- that no child should be aware of a SNOOZE button at all- left me pondering.
I have always been a big sleeper, pulling 12 hour stretches if given the opportunity. It was a way to avoid things I didn't want to think about, or do- and slipping back into REM won out often over faciing the day. Margaritas came in a close second. These days, I've forsaken the booze and am left with little else to supress the stark realities.
In the hair department waking up has taken on a new meaning. Where the pillow once had gently mussed my hair leaving it pleasantly tossled in the morning, it now swirls and batters it upwards to the point I've taken to keeping a ball cap on my nightstand. I still reach to pull out my ponytail before hitting the pillow at night, a sad reminder of what I feel I've lost. The next morning in a fog I've forgotten and find myself reaching to straighten my hair a bit and experiencing the sadness all over again. "Oh yeah".
In my own little world it is a crisis, one brought on by my impulses- an affliction I've lived with as if they were something external. I'm sure that it is similar to the experience of those who awake after 'real' losses, realizing as if all over again that something they loved is gone, or has changed and it wasn't just a dream. Whether it is their own body, a parent, son, home, or country that has been shaken, we open our eyes to a new day that is always different. I'm grateful for the insignificance of my tragedies and thank God for all I do have, even if (as the photo shows) it is only a half inch of hair growth.
As for my 3 year old, if I can ease him into to being aware of the world around his own, maybe he will have no need to hit the snooze button before facing the dawn. One can only hope.
