Weblog of mark

When i was a teenager, that's a bad sounding start for a blog, i was convinced that my parents were the best in the world.  They had treated me and my sibs fairly and kindly and to my way of thinking done so with wisdom.  Some years later it dawned on me that what i had experienced as a child i was so close to i couldn't really form an objective opinion about.  It turns out that compared to the upbringing i might have had i was blessed.  But there were issues that made me who i was and am that i still grapple with.  For instance, i always felt there was something different about me that everyone could see or somehow detect which made me inferior to others.  As the oldest child in my family it was always my duty to give way to the younger children because i was oldest and "ought to understand".  Also i am hot tempered by nature and my father believed teasing ws the way to convince me to stop throwing a fit, with the result being much greater anger from me.   As the oldest i was held to a high standard when it came to conflict with my brothers.  They might strike me or offend me and i was allowed to plead my case before a parent but if i struck back it was almost an automatic failure on my part, unless my brother had been blatantly in the wrong.  To this day i have a hard time expressing anger and usually don't say what i'm thinking even when i am wronged seriously.  The older, ought to understand role is what i fall into.  There are many other facets to me that i could painstakingly limn-out, but only one more that i care to talk about.  People who are my friends or even closer, i expect to abandon me.  So i don't form as close friendships as i see others have.For all the things i've listed it might seem i am bitter or resentful about the job my parents did, but actually i realize things could be much much much worse.  Some of my traits have served well in life, even if they were also painful to possess.  Finally my parents like me and everyone else are human and made some mistakes, they thought they were doing the best for me when they brought me up.  Now i watch my kids as they are leaving home and starting careers etc. and i wonder what they think of the job my wife and i did.