Thoughts that haunt me

I saw the movie "Ray" tonight and it was hauntingly sad. I never knew much about Ray Charles as a person, but seeing his childhood demons creeping into his adult life made me think of my own demons. Those thoughts that are never far away, but can quickly drag you down a spiral that is so dark, the call of another person seems miles from you. It is strange how a moment, a glance, song, word or picture can instantly take you back where you don't want to go. And imagination plays up the memory...scripting it into something more.... the "what ifs". What if this had happened....what if I had done this instead of that... too many scenarios to play out, but your mind does it miraculously in a matter of seconds before you are snapped out of your own personal drama playing out on the screen of your mind. They get pushed away again, squished down under the happier, more positive thoughts, as I remind myself that I am strong and can deal with them alone. No need to whine to anyone else about them. Surely, my little hauntings are minor in comparison to many, many other's. And I go on, until the next haunting.

Today was a good day at work... I felt a little more in control and that is the key... finding the balance of where I am in control but not overpowering. I am good at this job, but will always wonder if I should have been doing something else. I frequently remind myself that I could try writing a book... some vague resemblance to my own life - just a little spiced up. I guess if I am wondering if I should be doing something else, that really means - I should be doing something else. Just what, I am not sure of. I have done a lot for a person my age. I just wonder if I am supposed to be doing more. I remember that I wrote a list many years ago, probably when I was in high school, of all the things I would like to do before I die. I tried looking for it in a box of old writings that I have stored, with some vague hope that I still had it. No luck, but I am pretty sure that I have accomplished many of the things that were on the list. I would just like to be able to go back and see how many i could actually check off. I should create a new list... maybe that is a task for tomorrow.

Well, I am in B-ville, Tx alone, without my family or anyone I know. I miss my kids and wish they were at least here. I have been wrestling with my decision to leave Florida and return to Texas. I really dislike second guessing myself, but it's what I do. I roll the decision around in my head like a hexagon-shaped ball and look at every facet, positive and negative, about the decisions I have made. Too late to turn back, of course, even though I know I am doing the right thing. Roland is the only person I have shared this with and he reminds me to never second guess myself... I told myself the same thing. I practice my responses to those who will try to place doubt in my mind and in doing so, reiterate that this was a good decision....this is a good decision.

I focus on working with Roland and getting on track with doing this job right, but I am tired and feel like being away from it all for awhile. Baking cookies the other day reminded me that I miss being a stay at home mom, especially now, when I feel like my kids really need me. But they are good kids and coming back to Texas will give me some freedom to be there for them even more. I am a little worried about the changes that I will be putting them through and I think that is where some of the doubt creeps in. I remember the phrase: "Children are resilient" and that what counts is what you give them emotionally, not where you place them physically. I want to be a good mom. I want to be remembered as a good mom. I want my children not to have to think about their response when asked at an older, wiser age. There should not have to be a moment of pondering before speaking... it should be automatic and true. "Yes, my mom was a good mom and I never doubted her love for me." Period. No wondering or thinking. I am getting off topic, but these thoughts do haunt me.

I don't think I moved to Florida for the right reasons, hence, another reason to doubt leaving it. Two biggest reasons for my move there was getting out from under the oppressive thumb of Yvonne and the thought that proximity to Joe would count for something. Both were mistakes. But from my mistakes came promise for brighter things careerwise. It got me noticed and although this move puts me at a lower level of visibility, the time spent proving myself has won me a spot on the "most wanted" list.

I like Roland and I think that he is good for me in many, many ways. I will write more on that later. I am tired and I should go to bed. I am lonely, so it will not be easy, but reading a boring book should help. I miss my kids, especially, Madeline. She is my angel.