Je suis desolee
Mood: Shattered
Listening to: Wayne Mowatt's programme on National Radio
Friday, 1.30 pm Hi. Watch out, I'm not good. After the last disaster when I lost the entire blog I should have been prepared for the next level in godawfulness in the pit of the stomach but I wasn't - Brent has just casually dropped the bombshell that NOTHING off our old hard drive is retrievable. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Sweet fanny adams. I'm devastatetd. I'm fucking desolate, I feel as though somebody's died, or we've been robbed or something, I've howled my eyes out and had to go lean on the back fence in the sun for a while - probably the depth of my misery is way out of proportion to the actual event causing it - after all I haven't lost the manuscript of a great novel or the only copy of family history or stuff, but I have lost photographs and writing that I've done, and goodness knows what that I don't even know is gone.... Yes I know the golden rule is BACK everything UP, thats alright for you computer whizzes, I'm only me. I have got some photos on disc but there will be lots that I havent. And the Colin Lythgoe letters that I lost once already are on disc, but what about MY DOCUMENTS? That's got lots of ideas, hopes, half finished/started things waiting for future inspiration, my recipe book, copies of all sorts of things, letters, emails Oh, email addresses that I don't know from any other source, Scout stuff, squash stuff, school stuff....Bugger. SHit. Damn. ARSEHOLES. BUM POO WEES. Je suis desolee. How can he not understand how empty its left me? He has no friggin idea how it has made me feel. No idea.
I went to the doctor this morning, full of good vibes, walked down on a lovely sunny morning happy to be alive - one of those days. Opened up a can of worms whilst feeling positive - the appointment was to get a couple of funny looking skin spots zapped, and for repeat prescription of pills, both blood pressure and Fluoxetine (Prozac). Asked if I needed to continue either/both at the same level or at all. Answer was yes, don't reduce Betaloc despite my blood pressure being the best its ever been. Loss of a couple of kilos may be responsible for that. May. He feels I am still depressed so doesn't want to remove that medication either. We talked about my dead in the water libido and while I don't consider it a problem, the husband certainly does, and so does the doctor (blokes sticking together?) - he suggested a change of depression medication could help there but unfortunately he isn't allowed to prescribe the alternative, it has to come from a shrink, how about I go and see Dr Siri-something Indian?? (What would he think about my dying my hair blue, and increasing alcohol intake - according to Brent [so how come its always me being the sober driver?] - and longing for my own time and space?) So here's me, feeling really good this morning, wondering if I could come off or reduce my pills, now a snivelling shattered miserable wretch waiting for a psychiatrist's appointment. What's going on??
Not much point saving this blog, but will continue to print them out and keep them in a folder for posterity. Maybe I'll get some of those pens that I compulsively collect used up after all - handwriting could be about to undergo a renaissance. Wish mine was more legible. Typing is so easy and quick!! Also am now more determined to get a printer that will print out photos as I want.
Fekkin technology. Jaybee
