Life in Middle Girth

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Foreign singing on radio

Tuesday, 11.52 pm

Tired tonight. Worked yesterday 9 - 5.15 and again today, then after tea tonight I had all my copy typing to do because I forgot to pick up yesterday's lot yesterday. Sigh. So now it's very late and almost tomorrow.

Couldn't think of an appealing title, another sign of zzzz.

Reading a good book at the moment, "Rachel's Holiday" by Marion Keyes. About a girl who ends up in a rehabilitation unit cum nut house, thinking it was a health spa but finding out it's something akin to a very out-dated nut house/asylum.

Won't be reading any tonight tho because of the hour. Brent would not be best pleased if I were to put the light on or even read by torch light which has happened before today!  He's getting quite narky about me going to bed late, and spending time on the computer, what am I doing on it? etc etc. Part of me understands but part of me wants to scream MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND ITS UP TO ME IF I HAVE BAGS UNDER MY EYES. Because I am a civilised well brought up lady, I won't do that. except mentally.

I'm missing the gym - haven't been since Friday when I didn't get measured. Played squash last night though, that was enough exercise for about 2 gym sessions! It's Business House squash, and my team met Brent's last night and would you believe it, I ended up playing him. Hehehe, unbeknownst to him I pinched his shorts from his squash bag and substituted an almost ankle length pleated rayon red and white polka dotted skirt that Pip got from the op shop for a hostel party last year..... (well, only fair to handicap him). One of the other blokes in my team had brought a wig along but was too chicken to wear it so donated that to the cause and the result was just soooo funny - normally Brent wouldn't go along with it but he was in the spirit of fun last night. He could still have annihilated me with one hand tied behind his back if he'd wanted, but he was nice to me and our team ended up only a few points behind at the end of the night.

Such insanity keeps one sane!

Jaybee

Mood: Tired
Listening to: The fire crackling, TV programme "How Normal Are You?"

Wednesday, 9.49 pm

Do you ever hear a gentle hummmmm inside your head? Maybe it's like somebody meditating saying Om but sometimes I hear, or rather feel, a sort of soothing hum and if I close my eyes I can almost imagine myself flying, skimming just above a satin surface. This usually happens in the twilight zone between awake and asleep, you know - the bit you remember starting but not finishing! I can remember dreaming it as a kid, that I could fly (and it was always over satin plains) and it was so unfair when I woke up and realised I could never achieve that feeling from physical reality.

Aunty Doff suffers tinnitus, quite different - but maybe I'm in training.

Talking of training, I enjoyed the training session today. The lady who took it was a very attractive person - both in features and personality. I liked her and admired her enthusiasm, knowledge and delivery of the information. And she had the most beautiful engagement ring on, I was dying to have a closer look! Sort of baguettes down the shoulders with a large solitaire on top, set in white gold. Hang on, have I got the right word there, baguette? I have a nasty feeling that's a french bread stick. No, I think I'm right, sort of rectangular shaped. Whatever. But I'm wandering again!  We were the last 2 to arrive but were right bang on time so that's ok. One person didn't turn up, how rude. Lovely venue, posh motel, Bentleys. Walnut muffins for morning tea, scrumptious lunch: pinwheel sandwiches, chicken nibbles, baby quiche savouries,sausage rolls, assorted slices for afters. fruit. Biscuits for afternoon tea. Not good for the weight but oh so wonderful for the soul!! Tomorrow when I roll up for work I might take the lotto terminal apart just for the hell of it just because I now can! Nah, just kidding, it's one thing doing these things on a practice model and quite something else when you're plugged in to the national data circuit and head office can see exactly what you're doing. But I do feel a little more confident that when the next customer gabbles "random dip with six lines of strike and powerball number 4" or the like, I can push the right buttons.

After we finished, I went round to Pip's flat and swapped her car for mine. Cheeky little madam asked if I'd put petrol in it - of course darling. "Well I didn't put any in yours." Like I was expecting her to?? As I was leaving she rushed and got a couple of my cake tins - so she was listening the other night when I said I wouldn't make any more chokky cakes till I got some tins back!

Think the cat might be out of sorts, possibly still feeling the effects of last week's mud coating and fight. Haven't found any abcesses, and I have been checking, but he's just not really himself. Very smoochy, almost clingy, even today when somebody's been home all day to keep him company. I don't mean just to keep him company, but on those days I work he gets all sad and sour with me! Kids, they're all the same whether they have 2 legs or 4.

Still haven't thought of something suitably symbolic to engrave on my ring. Come on you lot, suggestions please. A flame appeals somewhat for some unknown reason - It could tie in with my distant Scottish ancestry, I stem from the Achindrean McKenzie clan on my mother's side and their emblem is a burning bush (I have no idea what the signifigance is). My college motto was "Lumen accipe et imperti" meaning "Take the light and pass it on" and featured a flaming torch, and that ties up nicely with my thoughts of a linked chain for passing things along the generations.......

* leaves on Friday for his big OE. I had hoped to have some me time with him before he went but don't think it will happen. He liked the notebook for his travel diary.

Must find a new book to put my blog pages in - this is sort of like a time capsule, and a hell of a lot easier to read than my scrawling in my journals. In those, the more I have to say, the faster I go and the less legible it becomes! At the moment it's all going into a clear file but it's only a 20 pocket one and is getting full. Don't want to pay $9.95 (less 20%) for one at work so might try to source a cheapie somewhere else, Office Plan for instance.

Ok, Bed. Need my beauty sleep before work tomorrow. Ha!

Jaybee

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Radio - new planet discovered! Kiwis helped!!

Tuesday, 10.06 pm

I'm in that shall I/shan't I no man's land between wanting to open a tin of sardines and being aware that sardine breath comes back to haunt one and I have a course to attend tomorrow which might involve being at close quarters to other folk. Perhaps I'll waive the sardines and settle for cubed luncheon sausage drowned in vinegar and covered in salt - an oldie, but a goody. When I was younger I earned the nickname "vinegar tits" from eating such delights. Do you have salt and vinegar flavoured chips - chippies - crisps - (not what some call fries and we call chips) too? I cannot stand them, yet look at my salt and vinegar intake!! Crazy.

What other things do you  eat erratically? Sometimes I wonder if its a cigarette substitution but as its been 15 years since I smoked 2 packs of Winfield 25s a day, I should just about have gotten over it by now. I still stand down wind of smokers sometimes and breathe in deeply - but I reckon it would only take one drag of one fag for me to be right back into it. I think the trouble is that I didn't give up for the right reason - because I wanted to - I only did it for the good of the family finances (not even for the good of the family health, isn't that dreadful). Hypnotism didn't work, in fact that was a real let down because I'd expected to be "zapped", put under and come out cured but it wasn't like that at all, more like self hypnosis or meditation. Didn't try patches or nicotine gum replacement, instead I invested $150 that we didn't really have at the time, into a motivational programme which I had to travel to every night for a week, and after spending that sort of dosh I was too damned tight to go back to smoking and admit that I'd wasted it! I suppose any method of quitting if successful is good.

Any way, food was the subject. Well, I tend to go for savoury rather than sweet, although when I was fundraising officer for Scouts and had something like 15 cartons of 6 boxes with 20 units of chocolate in each cluttering up my house, it was very difficult not to indulge.  Fundraisers also included pizzas, pies, sponges, sausage sizzles - my god we're a nation of foodies! Potato chips are another weakness of mine, or were as I've been really good lately, but only plain ones, none of your flavoured stuff. And extra salt had to be sprinkled. No wonder my blood pressure is high with my sodium intake! And I can't go past the junk food places when in town, usually McDonalds or Subway. Frankfurters are nice too, I can happily disappear 3 or 4 just as an absentminded snack - not the bun, just the sausage thing. Ahh, mmmm, yum. And salami, biersticks,.........

Everybody else has been in bed for an hour, that's really unusual in our house as the big boys often sit up way after us, watching their TVs. They both have a TV and a couch in their bedrooms so we tend to go our separate ways after tea. Anti social I know, but it keeps the peace, and peace is precious. Had a spat with Greg tonight over something so minor I can't even remember it, but it got quite nasty.  Bleh. Both of the big boys are in the throes of mid year exams, and neither has been studying or revising, its a bit of a worry.

Still on the tomato juice! Even drank tonic and lime cordial at squash last night instead of my usual "half and a half in a half" which means a half-pint glass half filled with dry white wine and topped up with orange juice. And I tipped out half a bottle of chardonnay tonight, it was icky, even worse than chateau cardboard.

Ok, time for a quick game of something, then bed. Have to leave at  no later than 7.45 am tomorrow and have just remembered that I need petrol dammit. Taking another girl from work too, teenager who works part time. Forgot to ring the boss's daughter to see if she needs a ride and it's too late now. Don't like ringing people early in the morning but will have to now, double dammit.

Here's a quote that I found, that I quite like:

"Depression is only anger without the enthusiasm"

Now, what do you think about that?

Cul8r,

Jaybee

Mood: Hungry (yes I know its not a mood)
Listening to: Cat yowling

Monday, 9.59 pm

Aha, now that I have your attention (sex in the title ups the ratings usually) prepare for a boring blog because nothing much has been happening.

Worked today till 5.15 then went and collected Duncan, rushed in the door, grabbed squash gear and a pizza from the freezer and a tin of spaghetti and took off to the club with kids in tow. Er, well, 2 of them, Mike had already biked down to play a mate and was still there. Tonight was the first round of Business House squash and work had ended up putting a team in including yours truly. Brent's work was a couple of players short so he ended up with Mike and Pip playing for him - which worked out well as Pip brought her car over and swapped it for mine (so that Mum can take it in to get the warrant of fitness and  pay for anything that needs doing) - and in between times I took Greg to shooting and collected him a couple of hours later. Talk about rush! However at least it was all good fun, and the kids got tea themselves at squash - we have a good kitchen there and even my kids can deal to pizza and spaghetti! Pip came home afterwards and cleaned out the leftover roast pork from our tea last night before going back to her flat, I had a bacon buttie at 9.30 pm when I got home, and Brent is still down there as he is bar manager and has to stay till everybody goes, then lock up. Squash also has a pretty good bar! Hope he has something to eat and not too much to drink or he will go low like he did last night. He is diabetic.

Tomorrow will be busy at home. Have to take Pip's car in for its WOF then will go to the gym and walk back home afterwards.  Hopefully the rain will have stopped because the laundry is disappearing under the mountains of  washing to be done - and I have my newspaper typing to do, and dishes, dishes and more dishes. The dishwasher keeps flooding the kitchen; it needs a new control panel and handle and leaks out the gappy bit where the old handle has fallen to bits.

Ok, that's your lot! more tomorrow.

Cheers,

Jaybee

Mood: Relaxed, alive-oh
Listening to: Something about Galileo on the radio

Sunday, 2.35 pm

Feel so much better than I did yesterday, mind you I could have died quite happily then. Slept until 10.30 this morning, how's that for sloth? Have taken all sorts of flack about my over-indulgence, dreading going to work tomorrow and fronting up because we live in a small town where gossip rules supreme, and I'm sure the tale of me blipping in a public place will get to work before I do. Sigh.

J & D are supposed to be coming round for dinner tonight, that usually means a "session" - but with work the next day I think I'd best stick to tomato juice. Found a bottle of wine the other day that says it's had its alcohol removed - isn't that grape juice? I bought it in the interests of healthy living. It is made and bottled in California of all places! Let me quote from the label: "Sutter Home Fre (pronounced 'free') is a sophisticated alternative that is ideal for people who want the pleasure of wine without the alcohol. We start with our award-winning Sutter Home premium wines, then use a state-of-the-art processs to remove alcohol while retaining essential wine aromas and flavors. Sutter Home Fre Chardonnay has fresh apple-citrus aromas and rich, fruity flavors that will enhance your favorite meals or any occasion calling for a sophisticated alternative." It still contains "less than 0.5% alc. by vol." -  not total cold turkey then!

I'm supposed to be doing some home study before my Lotto course on Wednesday, so I'd better get to grips with it. Isn't that mature of me.

Oh, the bills thing, yes I did do some, but alas! should have done it a couple of days earlier because the sods didn't just empty the wheelie bin on Thursday, they bloody well took it away because the bill was outstanding (never mind that we pay 2 months in advance and this was JULY's bill they were talking about). I was annoyed because I'd paid that one  the day before by internet banking but it just hadn't got through to their H/O. Bugger. They are going to bring it back next Thursday - hubby was not best pleased.

OK, nose to the grindstone.

Jaybee

Mood: Chastened
Listening to: Antiques roadshow on tv

Mood: Even more evasive
Listening to: Stock market reports, BORING

Thursday 12.21 pm

Ok, last gasp I promise, forget the previous apology cos I've discovered that I could go back and change the colour back.   So that's done. Not like the bookwork. Which I am going to do ......just as soon as I've hung out the washing. Really, I am, Honest!!

Jaybee

Mood: Still evasive
Listening to: My conscience

Thursday, 12.18 pm

Sorry about the colour of the previous entry, fiddled with the colours and mucked it up. Now I'm apologising here instead of getting on with you know what.

Arrrghhh!

Jaybee

Mood: Evasive
Listening to: Flood news on national radio

Thursday, noon

What is the best way to avoid procrastination? I am awful at not doing things that I should be doing, and the current crisis - or it will be a crisis if I don't rattle my dags and do something about it - is the bills. The accounts. The bookwork, wolf at the door, yada yada yada.

All my life I have been messy and untidy in my surroundings but methodical and logical in regards to paperwork - but over the last 6 months or so I've been dreadful. Bills, bank statements, eftpos slips and payslips just get piled up on my desk, until I absolutely HAVE to attend to something. The paper has been stopped, and yesterday I got a threat from the book club that I joined for Duncan (Dr Seuss) saying that if I don't cough up within 10 days they'll pass it on to a debt collection agency. I just about pooped myself!! Brent would do his nut if he realised :-( so, why do I continue to waste time instead of getting on with it? Grrr.

Same with the kids, they put their assignments and homework off until 9.30pm on Sunday night which drives me round the twist - don't they know to do as I say and not as I do?

Right, she said, gritting her teeth ( but not so hard as to crack fillings. Dentists - now there's a subject for discussion sometime....)  - see, I've got so bad that I can't even get through a whole sentence without wandering off track - Right, log out, stand up and get your tail up those stairs and DEAL WITH IT GIRL!!

As somebody once said,

"I'll be back!!"

Jaybee

Mood: Tired but content
Listening to: TV babble in the background

Wednesday, 9 pm

Gosh, its got late early tonight if you follow my drift! I feel as though I should be heading for bed but its a bit soon.

When Brent (hubby) is away, I tend to sit up until far too late then when I eventually do turn out the light, I crash really fast - otherwise I hear creaks and noises and end up sitting up half the night having cups of tea and reading/writing. Last night I think I turned the light out not long before 1am, fortunately I remembered to turn the alarm clock on, and set the alarm on my cellphone, because I'm not good at waking up, let alone waking up by myself without the humanising cup of tea and toast that I am spoilt with in bed every morning! The big boys are really good at getting themselves up and doing, and I don't need to worry about cutting their lunches or doing breakfast for them, they just fend for themselves - at 15 and 17, so they should. Duncan (5) is on a porridge binge at the moment which suits me fine; 2 minutes in the microwave and it's done, and he eats every mouthful, so that's easy. Then my girlfriend arrives about 7.40, drops her two boys off and picks my big ones up - she works in Palmerston North, about half an hour away, and my boys go to college there so it means that we save the morning bus fare, and I take her boys to their school which is 10 minutes in the opposite direction, saving her the morning bus fare then take Duncan to his school - and everybody is happy! It still gives me time to get to work if it's a work day, with 10 minutes to spare. Isn't it good when things dovetail nicely like that.

Had a pretty good day at work today, it was my regular day but I had to work until 5.15 instead of 2.45 because the boss was away, but that was ok, Debra was fine to have Duncs today. I am lucky to have found somebody so flexible. I guess she is happy for a little extra pin money too. I faced the photocopier without too many hassles, and even conquered the laminating machine without ruining anything or burning myself! Only a couple of hiccups on the Lotto machine, which reminds me that I've got some homestudy to do before I go on the training course next Wednesday. (Wonder where I've put it?) And no revolting customers - apart from sourpuss ** ***********, she is SUCH a bitch, her husband works in the same firm as Brent but she wouldn't give you the time of day let alone crack a smile, so I've made it my personal challenge to get at least 5 sentences out of her every time she comes into the shop. I failed today, could only manage 3, and they were words of one syllable. The other girls were amazed I managed 3!!

When I say other "girls", bear in mind that I'm the oldest there by about 15 years (except for the boss who is about 6 months older). That was a leverage point in my employment, I used the angle that I could bring a more mature flavour to the staffing mix, and that I had the wisdom of greying hair tempered with the youth of having a 5 year old in the family. Talk about BS! but it worked - the situation vacant advertisement stated quite clearly that they required a full time, experienced retail assistant, and I applied as a part time inexperienced person and they still employed me!! I am so lucky, especially with being able to go in at 9 am after getting Duncan to school and cruise off at 2.45 in time to pick him up at 3 - mind you, the 5,15 finishes are increasing which is why I've had to find help in the form of Debra. But after being a mostly at home mum except for a few work-from-home hours a week (I type copy for the local newspaper and have only recently resigned from the Department of Statistics, who employed sporadically me as a Survey Interviewer) and occasional relief teaching at kindergarten, it is just fabulous having a real job, and one that I can leave behind at home time at that. I'm just a shop assistant, hardly earth shattering stuff, but its just what I needed and I love it. I've always been book minded, have a thing for stationery, and enjoy the constant coming and going and casual chat with customers. And on top of all this, they PAY me!!

When I got home tonight I shot into the kitchen to find something for tea, and walked into a huge puddle that the dishwasher had spat upon the floor. Yuk. Before I had a chance to clean that up (and the floor with it, a bonus), the cat walked in, and what a sorry sight he was. Don't know if he managed to get into the state he was in by himself or whether he'd been in some sort of fight, but whatever happened, he must have fallen in the creek - ok, ditch thing - out the back of our place because he was no longer siamese, he was 80% mud. I kid you not, from the top of his head to the end of his tail, he was mud. I have never seen such a miserable looking specimen! And of course, all he wanted was to be picked up and loved - but I was still in my black work clothes puddling in the mess in the kitchen! Held him at arms length while I changed into something else, then I'm afraid I really hurt his dignity by wrapping him up in a towel to contain the claws, and washing every bit I could get to over the handbasin. He was most unimpressed but didn't swear even once, quite a feat for a siamese. Even tho it wasn't too cold, I lit the fire and plonked him down in front of it to warm him up and dry him off - then when I put Duncan to bed tonight I discovered where the darn cat had been keeping warm before I got home - yep, he'd wiggled his way into Dunc's bed and left a chocolate coloured trail all over the sheets. Sweetie. Then I mopped the kitchen floor and thought about tea. By this time it was getting late so we survived on chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes, followed by sausage rolls left over from the batch I'd cooked for small to take to school tomorrow for a shared lunch because somebody I can't remember is leaving.....and fruit and cuppa tea..

Yaaaawwwwnnnnn, time for an early night. Once again the dishes will wait till tomorrow.

Since beginning to blog my journalling has suffered, so I've started printing out the blog and putting it in a clearfile so that it at least fills in a few gaps. Another book to add to my "library". I wondered aloud to my counsellor (went to counselling before Christmas, interesting, could be the subject for a future blog) whether it was a good or bad thing, having all these different books - after all could it be that it was actually me living my life in a series of compartments rather than getting my sht together? She didn't quite know what to reply to that one, so I'm still none the wiser.

Anyway, I digress.

Time to shut up - is there anybody still awake????

ZZZZ

Jaybee

Mood: Full of good intentions
Listening to: Rain; National programme interview with rabid Pakistani gentleman

Tuesday, 10.38am

Had the most intriguing encounter with sweat today. Yes, sweat. (Bear with me, I haven't totally lost the plot....)

Was pounding away red-faced on the treadmill (impressed?) following my feeble efforts at the weights AND 25 minutes powering away on the exercycle thing (please be impressed!) when a very strange thing happened. Well, quite normal given the aforesaid circumstances but its effect on me was weird.

A single drop of sweat began its journey from the very top of my scalp, and slowly, soooo slowly, crawled its way down the side of my forehead, past my ear, down the line of my jaw, my neck, my collarbone, and disappeared somewhere in the depths of my cleavage....and I was conscious of every millimetre of its journey! It was most odd, because there I was, puffing and steaming, and sweating copiously in the armpit, top lip, forehead, back, and foot departments - and yet I could follow the path of one tiny little droplet! Isn't that weird.

I am trying to build up the will to go upstairs and do some creating in my craft area. I dabble in card-making and have just scored a couple of scrapbooking magazines from work which have some good ideas in them. I don't know that I want to get right into scrapbooking - which seems to be the craft of the moment - but I am more likely to decorate my journal or create photo frames or cards. To me photo albums are for photos, and need little decoration beyond comments and details of times/places, but journals, ah now that's where you can let your proverbial hair down and prettify and decorate and add memenots. If you were to go the whole scrapbook hog, you'd need a library just to keep them all in!

Haven't done THE LETTER yet because now that I've assembled all the physical bits - pen, paper, ribbon, (missed out on sealing wax and seal on Trade Me dammit) -well, the mental side has subsided. Sort of like I've been calling my own bluff and now that everything is ready to go, my nerve has dried up. Meaning, I guess, that it is not the right time. 

Husband has just gone to Hamilton for a few days to work, so household standards will slump relaxingly. Food will be haphazard, I will read/write/play on the computer whenever I like, and read in bed. The boys may watch the Simpsons at teatime, and I can listen to the National programme if I want. Oh happiness, oh joy.

Of course, the naughty things don't get a lot of mention - like the fact that I've just scoffed a tin of salmon drowned in vinegar and smothered in salt, followed by a Mars Bar - curse the day I became fundraising co-ordinator for Scouts and ended up storing chocolate here! I mean, that's got nothing to do with me watching the weight has it? Couldn't possibly have an effect. Actually, I do regret the chocolate, now that I've had it I wish I hadn't.

My next door neighbour reckons these funny food fads I get, and my GP diagnosed depression, (and probably my complete lack of libido tho I haven't mentioned that) are all connected with being pre-menopausal - well if it is I wish my body would hurry up and get on with it because its not fair to have hormonal imbalances that stuff up my brain and eating habits as well as still having periods, which often come at inconvenient times, like going away on camping holidays etc. What's the bet that when we go to Fiji, it'll be that time of the month!

Gosh I'm dribbling on this morning. Think I'd better go and have my post-exercise shower, then I might light the fire cos its cold and blustery today, and the mere sight of a crackling fire warms you up inside and out. Then I'll do the last two night's tea dishes that are invisible to the rest of the family, then......

Worked at the bookshop yesterday, and will again tomorrow. I love it. Have been there about 2 months, only 1 regular day a week but am on call and often get 2-3 extra days each week. There is a chance of 3 permanent days soon as one of the other girls is leaving. I've managed to jack up one of the other mothers from school to take Small home for me on those days I work, and I pay her $10 a time for that - she says its too much for 3 - 5.30 but I couldn't work if I didn't have somebody to look after him and I appreciate it. And, having often been the one looking after other peoples kids and running them round here and there for little or no thanks, I want her to know that she's appreciated.

Now there's something else intersting on the radio, I won't get showered before lunch at this rate!!

Catch you later,

Jaybee

11.12 am

Mood: Good
Listening to: Toy Story 2 on tv; washing machine

Sunday, 11.15 am

Ohhhh, I was bad, very bad last night.....and have the headache to prove it today!

Daughter was coming home for the night so did the lovely mum thing and organised roast chicken, pumpkin, parsnip, kumara, and peas, spuds and carrots - then got the phone call to say that she and Dad would be late because the squash game they were watching wasn't starting till 6.30pm..... So, I had a wine while doing the veg, as one does, then another, and gosh they tasted good so I had some more.......

Dinner was served, eventually, but I don't remember much about it!  I do remember ringing my friends who are spending the weekend in Taupo and chatting (slurring?) for ages, sigh, and I was being so good cutting down too. Ah well, I won't have any at all next week, that will even things out maybe.

Just doing the 3rd load of washing for Pip, found it in the laundry this morning, wish she'd told me she'd put more in there and I could have done it last night. I could have done anything last night!! I was superwoman :-)

Ok, back to domesticity - or as close to it as I ever get.

Cheers,

Jaybee

11.25 am

Mood: Lazy
Listening to: News on National Radio

Saturday, 3 pm

Change of plans this morning, no midget rugby, we went to the doctor instead as small hatched an ear infection in the night - I know some kids are prone to these and spend half their lives in the doctor's surgery, but my kids have mostly escaped ears, so it was a bit of a new experience. Antibiotics and paracetemol, thank goodness it was the weekend. He's still well enough to go to a birthday party but we thought rugby was pushing it a bit.

Instead, I went to Palmerston North to collect number one son up - he'd been staying with a mate after going to Youth Group over there last night. We managed to squeeze in a bit of shopping - FIRST SIN, I bought not one but two pairs of shoes. One is expensive, thought I'd better get some "proper" shoes for all this walking, and with my old sneakers threatening to fall to bits any day, and smelling like they should have been buried years ago I thought I was justified. Why they've gone like that I don't know, I've washed them in a bucket, in a tub, in the washing machine, sprayed, sprinkled and scrubbed at them and they still smell like elderly cat pee.  And the other pair? Well, they were a bargain, you know, buy one pair and get another for only....$45!  They can be my ordinary shoes or maybe I'll use them for squash because when I gave up the year before last, one of the kids got down on my shoes and now that I've started again, I've been relegated to twenty-year old clapped out shoes!

SIN NUMBER TWO was McD's on the way home. Say not a word, my friend, about the weight loss thing, I'm perfectly well aware of that. In respect of that, I bought a sub thing instead of a Big Mac, and didn't have fries or a drink as I usually would have done.

In pennance of my sins I've brought the girls' washing home because the flat's washing machine died on them last night. Pip's coming home tonight for a roast and decent sleep before starting work at 6.30 am tomorrow so she'll be able to take it all back on Sunday night. I'd better go hang it out and get the next lot on. Four girls create an impressive amount of laundry, wonder how long they've been hoarding it up?

Jaybee

3.15 pm

Mood: Creative
Listening to: Husband muttering at rugby on TV

8.57 pm Friday night

The big day arrived - weigh in time. My lady at the gym doesn't approve of using scales, prefers the tape-measure, but I insisted, certain that with the efforts I've made  in the last 2 weeks I would have dropped about, ohhh, say 10kg by now, but no, ONE MEASLY KILO!!! One kilo. 2 point 2 lbs. Half an inch of my upper arms, ditto thighs, ditto hips (yes, we found hips) but only 1 kilo. I've slogged my friggin guts out for two weeks. I've even cut down on wine and increased the H2O intake, and the husband, bless him, keeps saying I'm looking fantastic.....personally, I think he's clocking up brownie points for the next fishing/hunting/boys trip......

But, a kilo is a kilo after all, and at least I haven't fallen off the exercycle or broken anything yet. (Am I the last person on earth that cannot ride a bicycle?)

We had fish and chips for tea.....

Spent half an hour earlier trying to mould the small one's mouthguard to fit his teeth before midget rugby tomorrow. He's 5, and has quite a little mouth - tho it works well - and kept gagging on the thing until at least half of it had been cut off.  He is so enthusiastic about this rugby, the little ones are really cute to watch; half the time they don't know which way they should be running or where the line is or which dude is their coach but it doesn't matter, they're out there having fun. Its raining at the moment, hope it stops before the morning because I don't think it gets cancelled for anything short of floods, and I have to do the sideline parent thing tomorrow because hubby's doing a course for work.

For someone who's relatively well educated, cultured and rounded, there are heaps of basics that I haven't done. e.g. learned to ride a bike, seen any of the Star Wars movies or Lord of the Rings, got a passport (yet), read Romeo and Juliet, played golf, there are probably hundreds more I could add. What is the perverse quirk in human nature that makes us aware of the haven'ts instead of celebrating the haves? I CAN whistle, I make a FANTASTIC chocolate cake, I've hatched FOUR children, still married to the same bloke after 21 years..... perhaps I'm a late developer - after all I didn't dye my hair in my teens as others seem to do, waited till my late 30s before dabbling in the dyepot and now I've given it up as too much hassle to do myself and too expensive to get those nice streaks (about $60-70 here). My grey doesn't actually bother me but it annoys the family. Too bad, I don't look in the mirror that often!

Here we go, just snapped at hubby for reading over my shoulder and he's got all poopy now, "The whole world can read what you're writing but I'm not allowed to?" Well frankly, yes.  I suppose this blog will now get relegated to the wee small hours or when he's out, like my journal writing does. Shit.

Isn't it funny, but I am happier 'nattering' away to strangers and would feel slightly uncomfortable for friends and family to be reading this. Why is that? I don't think I'm pretending to be somebody I'm not - scarey thought, maybe I'm  being somebody I actually am.  I don't think I've ever been just me although recently, in the last maybe year or so, I've started sticking up for myself a bit. Hasn't been easy and has caused some friction, especially in the marital dept, but I make no apologies. Well, I do but I try not to. Don't get me started.

Daughter just rang, she's 2nd year teachers college student, currently on section which means working in a school instead of at uni. She sounded a bit down, is getting a cold and had a rough day at school today, had to break up a fight between a couple of students and it was a bit daunting. We're talking totally out of control 11/12 year olds, one intent on doing the other one maximum physical damage - and no teacher around for guidance. Thank goodness she's used to her brothers!

Righto, think I'll go upstairs, I'm pretty bushed tonight. All that exercise is exhausting even if it is only shifting a weeny bit of weight.

Had some interesting things crossing through my brainspace last night but couldn't put the light on to write them down because I would have woken hubby up- so I had a go in the dark. Was fairly impressed with the legibility too but had a bit of trouble figuring out where the lines were! Hehehe I've even got this dinky little light thing on a  clip that is supposed to be for such times but it was too damned bright.

To bed, perchance to sleep.

Cya

9.35pm Friday night

Mood: Strangely businesslike and efficient
Listening to: Coro St

Ahh,tomorrow is the day of reckoning - with the scales and tape measure. When I first resolved to lose weight and tone up I didn't really expect any results because I'm very fond of my food and not good at sticking to things for long. (Wonder how long blogging will last?)

Just about didn't get my workout this morning  because I'd taken the car to the garage and walked on to the gym, but of course didn't have my keys with me (this is really funny because I am NOT a gym person. NOT NOT NOT). Attached to my keyring is the gym doorcard - so there I was, standing outside listening to the muffled pounding of feet on the treadmills and music coming from the Pilates class next door, trying to make myself heard over all this. No go, nobody heard. Bugger!! Fortunately, after about five minutes of this - and feeling like a total dick in full view of the school across the road - one of the ladies in charge arrived and let me in. Such are the dramas in life.

This gym is not quite what I had imagined gyms to be like. For a start, I haven't yet come across a single "beautiful person" in the physical sense - you know, young, slim and gorgeous, of either sex, wearing designer leotards.  THANK GOD!!!! Everyone is fairly normal, and a goodly proportion are old/fat/extremely chatty. The ladies in charge - what do you call them, personal trainers? are both pretty cruisy; when I arrived the other day they were out in the sun swilling coffee, one was having a fag, and we did the 5 minute quiz out of the paper before getting down to business. But don't get me wrong, they're dedicated athletes. Erica, my mentor, was in a car crash a number of years ago, shouldn't be alive by rights and was told she'd never walk unaided again. Well, she did the Rotorua Marathon a couple of months ago and finished in the top bunch. She's also a registered electrician, has a degree in something that I can't remember, and is a real hard case. The other one, Kathleen, runs and runs and runs, but is totally disorganised in everything except training,

Damn, I've lost my thread, there is a doco on tv now that I keep  watching. Its about the Bain family. Kiwis will be familiar with the case, one of the sons of the family is in jail convicted of the murder in 1994 of his entire family - mother, father, two sisters and a brother. There has always been controversy over whether he did it or whether his father did a murder/suicide while David was out on his paper run. There were all sorts of wacky things about the family, I mean you always get stories, but there are just so many odd bits with this lot - everything from incest, prostitution, religion..... I don't think he did it, I have a bit of a soft spot for him because he lost his whole family (I have now too) and I think it was about the same time Mum died. Just as well I wasn't on the jury eh?

Had a fiddle with the colours but I didn't intend this brown to be background to the text. Will leave it for now in case it somehow comes up differently in the weblog than it does here where I am entering.

Dunno where the cat is tonight, he usually sits on my knee, keyboard, or anywhere else he can fit. His mother forgot to tell him he was a cat when he was little, so now he thinks he's another one of my kids.  He's got the pip with me today because I wouldn't pick him up and smooch - I had my newish black shirt and vest on and didn't want a (cat) hairy chest.

No, its no good, I've got to go and watch. Perhaps tomorrow I'll be back.

Mood: Pleasantly relaxed
Listening to: The cat purring

Hello, here I am again - not quite really believing that I have joined the computer users in cyberspace! So that's progress!

Have decided to write to a certain someone, certain things, but need exactly the right sort of equipment. The nearest I had got to finding the appropriate paper was non-stick baking paper - don't shake your head, it had just the right amount of translucence and weight that I wanted, and importantly, was on a roll as I intend the finished article to be a long scroll type thing. The only problem is that I cannot find a pen which will write on the stuff - guess the non-stick coating treats ink just the same as food! The only thing I haven't yet tried is whiteboard marker, but even if it worked it would be too chunky for what I want. Rats, I thought, another whim crushed. HOWEVER.....I have the good fortune to work part time in a book/stationery store and discovered that I can buy very wide tracing paper by the metre and it's perfect. Now to find the perfect writing implement.

"What was that all about?"  I hear you ask. " This woman's nuts."  No, I'm not -well maybe a little, but there are things that I need to say that I might not be able to say but should be able to write. That way they might stay out of my head where they go round and round, mostly in the dead of night. You know, I can have long, deep, meaningful conversations with other people and say  profound and thoughtful things and really connect with them in the wee small hours, in the privacy of my own head. Sort of like the body is asleep but the brain is racing - and some of the ideas I come up with are incredibly good - I know they are, but I'm damned if I can remember what they are in the morning!!

That's something else I need to find, a name for that twilight zone, that place in my head where I spend so much time so I can refer to it  without sounding like a total fruitcake (like the man who calls his boat "The Office" so that he sounds as good as he feels spending so much time there). Suggestions?

And another thing...can you take any more in this episode? I want a design to have engraved on a ring I have bought, destined to be a family heirloom. Its a heavy gold oval signet ring type ring, 9 x 11 mm approx. I don't just want my initials on it although I quite fancy having them and my dob/dod engraved very tiny on either the band or the inside (and hope that future owners will do the same). We don't have a family crest, and anyway I want it to start with me and move on down so a new design would be appropriate. The only solid idea so far is to have a linked chain border - signifying the linking of past, present and future, and the idea that we are all links in a chain - and maybe some motto or something engraved in the middle. Carpe Diem is the frontrunner - seize the day - reflecting my new attitude and outlook on life. I am trying to follow my own advice! It has to be short to fit, and snappy or succinct. Latin/english? Gave up trying to find some pictorial symbol although it would be more aesthetically pleasing I guess. Once again, your suggestions are welcome!

Whew, that was a bit to get rid of all at once. I keep a journal of daily life, I also have a separate book that is more emotional and whimsical - I use it for letting off steam and the really far out stuff that crops up, but it is still not available for the deep inner ramblings, just in case they are read by the wrong audience. And who is the right audience? Often there isn't and shouldn't be one, only me, but release is needed sometimes. Maybe here will be the place eventually. But not yet.

Husband is out playing Interclub squash, kids going off to bed. Cat furmly (pun) ensconced on my knee. Think I might take a milo up to bed and read a while.

Not sure about the time on this thing, it's 5 past 10 at night right now so we'll see what comes up using current time.

L8rz (see, old farts can use txt talk)

Jaybee 

Mood: Bemused
Listening to: Sponge Bob Squarepants on tv keeping Small occupied

Mood: Sleepy
Listening to: The fridge humming

Thirty-eight was going to be the age at which I did something. Or rather, did SOMETHING!! It was going to be something earth shatteringly momentous, something important, noteworthy, startling even - however, as we all know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and so it was in this case too.

But..... Maybe 46 is the magic number, and here I am in the middle of it right now!

Is 46 middle-aged? I guess so, but I don't feel middle aged. I just feel a bit podgy and frumpy and under-appreciated by the world in general and my family in particular. I think I must be having a mid-life crisis (of sorts) as somehow I've ended up on anti-depressant medication, and am doing various out of character things. Whether the two things are connected goodness knows. But its not entirely bad....

I have had a wake up call in the size department with the promise of a trip to Fiji in October. It's just the incentive I needed to shed a few (OK, quite a few) kilos and take a look at myself - shudder! I am not obese, just a little overweight I think, hence "middle girth". I have never had a flat stomach, even before 4 kids - I must be kidding myself thinking I can do much there, but hopefully if everything else disappears, the tummy will go looking for its mates too and shrink - or at least, fade into the background a bit.

With Fiji in mind - meaning exposing myself in togs to the public view - I have set myself a goal of losing a stone before we go. For those of you who only operate in kilos, I think that is about 6. Fairly conservative I reckon, for one who started the project at almost 13 stone/about 82 kg. Not sure how progress is going, will tell you after Friday when I weigh in. To achieve the loss I have begun walking on a regular basis and manage to do about 3 x hour long sorties round the town per week. Then I did something I have often sworn never to do - joined the local gym! I am one of the most uncoordinated people I know, so aerobics classes aren't exactly appealing although I have borrowed Suzy Aitken's Fit Kit video from Ngaire at work. Better to balls it up in private I thought, but first I have to wait for the family to disappear or they just sling off at me. So now I do 25 minutes "spinning" on an exercycle and 25 minutes brisk walking on the treadmill to get the cardio-vascular thing going, and this week I have begun to add a couple of weight routines afterwards.

I can tell you, if talk and sheer determination were to do the trick, I'd be Twiggy by now.

One of my main weaknesses is starting things and not finishing them, so to have stuck faithfully to exercising and gymming for 3 weeks is pretty amazing.

I do have another goal, less easily reached - to walk to Wellington. That is about 160km and I reckon will take at least 8 days. Michael, my 17 year old son, is going to walk with me, and we will try to work it so that we have an friend or acquaintance to stay with each night along the way. Christmas holidays is the target date, that should give us long enough to train up for the trip, and the weather should be good then. I'm starting to worry about it....

Ahh, tired, and I have work in the morning so I'd better hit the hay.

Bed is good at the moment, have been having some epic dreams, and actually remembering them the next day. In fact I look forward to seeing what's showing each night! Once again, wonder if its my happy pills.

Will chat later,

Jaybee