Life in Middle Girth

Jun 21, 2011 at 02:35 o\clock

I'm shocked

by: jaybee

Listening to: Midday news

Righto, I'm back.

Just popped outside to indulge in my new (old) naughtiness and spied a drift of smoke wafting over the paddock next door, from the property behind us. Investigating further I was gobsmacked to discover a supermarket shopping trolley being used as a fire brazier to burn rubbish. Why am I so amazed? Because HE is a responsible employee of a government department that dots i's and crosses t's and demands things in triplicate even tho they've already sighted your documentation before grudgingly permitting you to receive your government assistance and SHE is quite staunchly opinionated about fairplay and doing the right thing and THEY are godfearing churchgoers and frankly, I'm just blown away at the hypocrisy of it. Theft! Vandalism!! I might cut off their free access to my silverbeet!!!

Hrrmph, glad I got that off my chest.

 

I've wasted the entire morning avoiding going to a funeral and feel quite bad about it. Bad that I didn't go, and bad that I wasted all that time "prevaricating" as one of my aunts would have put it. I can justify the former as it was held in the same hall as my darling husband's was last year and I was afraid that memories and flashbacks would overwhelm me, but to fritter a whole morning away is pretty stupid. Mind you, I did read an entire arts/craft/stationery catalogue from cover to cover, folded a wee bit of washing and put it away, and surfed the net . . . from that I learnt how to make a paper star and that Stuart Fleming had to abandon his Te Araroa trek slightly short of his goal (you should google these things, they are interesting). And I remembered to get pork chops out of the freezer for tea.

 

Why does the font size revert to miniscule every time I push enter to start a new paragraph? It's very frustrating.

 

Dilemma of the week - do I apply for the School Secretary job advertised in last week's paper? Its not in my town, but not far away; it would mean more income while being able to be home for the school holidays for my 11yr old but would be a bit tricky before/after school with getting him to and fro, and what if he's sick? Or if I need to do granny duty as I did last week? And I would have to run the gauntlet at the previously mentioned govt department to let them decide how much of my widows benefit to chop, and last time I was there it was just too hard for them - they couldn't comprehend that I currently work 11 hours a fortnight (NOT a week) in spite of my giving them payslips, tax forms and written advice from my employer. No, they cut my benefit because my  hours of work had changed (they hadn't) and I had a heck of a job to get it reinstated. 11 hours a fortnight! You'd think I was trying to diddle them out of millions!! I've got till Friday to get my CV and covering letter in if I'm going to apply. Part of me wants to and most of me doesn't - too lazy, too afraid of change and new things, too worried about the what-ifs. I should. Might make it tomorrow's mission.

 

Righto, lunch then off to work. Good to be blogging again. 

 

 

Sep 12, 2010 at 22:52 o\clock

Flying solo

by: jaybee

Hi, I'm back again, just checking in to keep the headlines updated....not that it looks as though anybody's been reading this but at least I can put it in my own archives. Funny but over the last 2-3 years when I've probably had more going on in my life than at any other time (except for our annus horribilus 1999 but that's another story) I've probably written less in journals, blogs, letters, diaries, whatever, than ever before. What a waste - so many opportunities for memoirs (she said indulgently). 

 

As the title suggests, I'm on my own now. Well, small and I are on our own, having lost a  husband and dad in May this year. May, and here we are in September and where has that time gone? And why hasn't he come roaring up the drive in his yellow truck explaining where the heck he's been all this time?? No, I'm not in denial but I think the awful reality is only just beginning to hit. For our full story you could go to Cancerchatnz and look for jaybee's entries but the short version is that his cancer came back in June 2009, he had more chemo that worked initially but as soon as it was finished the cancer came back aggressively and on December 1 we were decked with the news that nothing more could be done, to get our affairs in order and prepare for the end. I honestly think they thought we had a month or two but my Superman made it till the end of May 2010 against all odds.  So, there we are, or not, as the case may be.

 

And he just missed being a granddad by 2 weeks. Bugger.

 

Maybe I'll call in again soon, would be nice to keep the life notes going though I doubt the family will really want to read it when I'm dead and gone, but by then I won't be around to care will I? Of course I mean to stick around for at least another 40 years or so, maybe 50 and get a letter from King Charles - no, he's older than me, it will be King William by then. Sigh, Charles could have had me if he'd asked, I would have turned a blind eye to Camilla back then.....doesn't know what he's missed.

 

No, I'm not drunk, I don't do alcohol any more, it was getting far too good a crutch. When we were getting to grips with life falling apart I gave it up in case I couldn't and now chocolate is my biggest vice.

 

Will drop in again soon. Please leave a comment if you happen to read this, even just a hello so it keeps my enthusiasm going.

 

Cheers, Jaybee 

Apr 13, 2010 at 13:30 o\clock

Yah boo sucks (apologies to Molesworth)

by: jaybee

Mood: Bleh
Listening to: Wind lashing house

Is there anybody out there listening to my story?

Is it even worth committing to paper??

I know there have been huge gaps but you're supposed to be able to read between the lines and work out that all is not rosy in my garden, give me feedback. Not religious stuff please, but something!!

Then I will be able to continue on, knowing that my lone or is it lonely voice isn't just disappearing into a void.

Rescue me. Reassure me.

 

Tell me that my thoughts touch a chord with you, entertain you, pass a moment of boredom, raise a smile, make you cry...something.

Mar 29, 2010 at 12:03 o\clock

Back again and steaming

by: jaybee

"Coming to bed?"

"Not right now."

"Big day tomorrow/of course, you've got computer games to play/you're tired and grumpy...."

and thus ends another day in snip snapping.

I'm not angry at him yet because he's going to die - I wonder if he's angry at me because I'm going to live?

Went to bloody WINZ today as the mortgage has come through and we were supposed to now qualify for accomodation supplement. Spent a fair while gathering papers, from title on the house to mortgage papers, 2 forms of ID, insurance, Council rates, Horizons rates, to list of things granny ate for her breakfast in 1902........ Appointment for 3.30 so got small jacked up to do chores to keep him occupied for the duration (including going for a haircut but we'll get to that soon). Well, lets just say they were running fashionably late. If we're late for an appointment we get cancelled and booked in a fortnight down the track, but if we're on time there is an obligatory wait of at least half an hour beyond scheduled time. What a pissoff. Anyway.....didn't get the "case manager" we were booked with who had originally dealt with us and advised us to come for this appt, got one who is relatively new I think, was a casual acquaintance in a past life and who was almost jocular in her sentence of "you must be joking, you don't qualify for THAT". Well hello, you were the ones that told us we did. We'd been waiting since before Christmas for things to move to a point where we were able to grovel and now we'd got there it was all a complete waste of time! But we were told how lucky we were to have a nice house - LUCKY? "We worked and saved very hard to build that house" I quietly commented, while in my head I was ripping the friendly smile off her face and stuffing it where the sun don't shine. I must have been beginning to bristle because himself nudged me and said those fkn annoying words, settle down, when I hadn't even begun to foam at the mouth.  Nothing? Nothing. Not-a-fkn-thing. The Bastards.

Left WINZ, found small and his haircut. I knew he wanted a mullet and this was agreeable to me, after all we've been there before and survived, but this! This was hidemous on toast. Yes, the barber gave it to him for a cut price (ha, pun) but he should really have been paying compensation! Imagine if you will a number 2 over the front (including former fringe) and sides and midway down the back, then suddenly, long undergrowth sprouting forth. I mean fuck a duck it should have come from about the crown. It looks like something I can't quite put my finger on - Uriah Heep revamped?? the dickens one not the modern one. Anyway, still barely able to speak following the WINZ visit, I nearly lost it with that sight. As I was accelerating down the street husband made snide comment about my aggressive driving - wrong thing to say darling. I aggressively parked on the side of the road, aggressively alighted from the chariot and aggressively suggested that he take over. I'm actually very passive so that should have given him a wee clue as to my state of mind.

So when I offered to trundle barrows of dirt onto the depression in the lawn and he said no because he was stuffed I rightously lost it a bit - Nothing to do with him, I was going to do it. He didn't have to do anything so it didn't matter if he was stuffed. He took umbridge at the 'didn't matter if he was stuffed' ffs. The objective part of that sentence was that he didn't have to do anything, I was going to do it but no, he chose the other bit to bite at.

Moved on to ice banana cake that I'd made this morning - out of cocoa. Into car, down to shop, home again. Rip cocoa packet getting it open, toxic brown dust cloud descends over kitchen leaving silhouette of feet on floor. Get vacuum cleaner out, clean mess, carry on. Not enough icing sugar. THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME, I'm like the corner dairy with spare everything. Neighbours rely on me. Improvise by using half a packet of elderly instant pudding in the mixture, seems to work ok.

Himself offers to cook chops on BBQ but discovers gas bottle is empty so I remove half cooked rice pudding from oven and crank the grill up. Vegies that stubbornly refused to come to the boil now boil over. Cat begins to cough alarmingly.....

Still fizzing hours later, everyone is unreasonable, unhelpful, just un. I feel absolutely impotent (and I'm a girl!!) and insignificant and thwarted at absolutely every turn. I've eaten enough chocolate buttons to make me feel quite sick and I cannot win in any situation today it seems.

Jun 2, 2008 at 05:34 o\clock

Here am I

by: jaybee

Mood: Blah
Listening to: Fire ticking

Here am I or haere mai or just gidday....

Can barely remember how to blog - it's a wonder I managed to remember my login!

Have can't-sleep-itis - see, you're damned if you don't go to bed at a "reasonable" hour, and damned to wake early if you do! There's lots I could be doing but it would be noisy and wake the rest of the family so I won't. Even the keys sound as though they're clicking very loudly.

We're in our new house, our lovely new house, but surrounded with the muddle of the recently moved. Oh who am I kidding, it's all the heaps of old stuff that look so awful. I'm tired of it, the mess, my mess - there's so much stuff that I want to keep but don't need, it's as if letting go of it is letting go of my memories. Face it girl, most of it, furniture included, is rubbish. Does it really matter if I become anonymous? My past, the family that I knew when I was growing up - it's only important to me I suppose, and that's a bit sad, I'd like to share it with the kids but they're not really interested. I just worry that one day they might be and if I've chucked everything out they won't have the opportunity. But the other stuff I must start to ditch. Even I can see that a lot of it is unneccesary, even for me! (But I might need it one day...)

Its only the three of us (and cat) at home now, and I do feel twinges of guilt at not being a good mother to the small one. We've just had a long weekend, Queen's Birthday weekend, and he's been watching tv and playing on the computer for most of it because his mother has been otherwise occupied and so has his dad. We did make pikelets yesterday....and the big sister blew in, disrupted things and blew out but at least she took him to watch the rugby on Saturday - but I feel a bit negligent.

There is that nagging feeling of not doing things because I should be doing things e.g. working! but I'm still jobless. The thing is that now I have to work around school hours because there is nobody to have Duncan out of school hours (and I'm damned if I'm going to go to work to pay for after school care). And in our small town, school hour friendly jobs are like the proverbial hen's teeth. Going to meet a mother of a special needs child at kindy tomorrow and if I pass muster that will be 2 hours an afternoon 3 days a week so at least it will be something. More than my monthly typing anyway.

Have some worries that might have been contributing to insomnia - eldest son (Navy one) has just about decided to buy a motorbike in the next couple of weeks. In Auckland for goodness sake, where he collects a new ding in his car with great regularity. Where he and his mates get up to god knows what and have already lost one of their fold to the motorway. And they drink to excess and are ruining their livers.....and feet....and get body bits pierced, and don't stay in touch as well as they should....

Visa is in the red, frighteningly so, and without the other half knowing. I did try to mention it a while back but he had other things to concentrate on and didn't want to know. My bad I know for inefficient budgeting, it was only supposed to be for the new house costs which were supposed to be covered immediately from the new house fund but on one income, paying rent and then hostel fees for number 2 son, day to day living went onto it and there hasn't been the wherewithal to clear it. Still, I got a hell of a shock when I discovered the balance and don't quite know what to do about that.

Health front is good. First six month cat scan, xrays, bloods etc all clear. Just have to hold our breath for another four and a half year and we can relax. His hip is giving him grief, but he still managed to "go for a walk" last night - that's a euphimism for going hunting - except it was a bigger walk than he anticipated and they got a tad lost which isn't a biggie, just involved a lot more steep ground than expected. However, the great white hunters arrived home muddied, stiff but happy with a couple of hindquarters now hanging in the shed.

Enuff for now. Lets see if I can publish!

Cheers,

Jaybee

Oct 18, 2007 at 22:49 o\clock

Honey, I'm home....

by: jaybee

Mood: Mellow

Well here I am after what seems like an eternity. Its bizarre, but I've had more time to myself in the past few months to do what I want than ever before, and yet I've neglected to do those things that I've been looking forward to: sorting the photos, blogging, journaling and catching up with people. The only real ME thing I've done is visit the library! Lots of conflicting feelings, I think that the latent guilt of unemployment and not contributing financially anyway, prevents me from doing those treat things. Silly, eh.

The wonderful fabulous gloroius great news is that the husband had a clear CT scan last week, and the hospital doesn't want to see him for 6 whole months. No chemo, no bloods, no ECGs, no xrays - nothing. While this is cause for yippee and hooray, it is also slightly unnerving to think that nobody's monitoring him either, but I'm sure we'll get used to it. At the last visit to the oncologist I mentioned how surreal this whole thing feels - it's like we've cruised through the whole nightmare slightly anaesthetised or something. By the time we knew it was cancer, it had been removed with half of the bowel, then by the time we knew it had gone into the lymph nodes chemo was just about started, then when chemo started getting really awful it was time to move on to the less awful phase, and so on and so forth. And throughout all of this process the husband still worked 2 weeks out of 3 - half the imported workers there don't turn up that often and they're perfectly healthy! And he wonders why he gets tired????

Quick update:

House finally sold after 12 months on the market. The way our life was though, it would have been disastrous had it sold any earlier. We now live in a little 3 bedroom rental with little being the operative word. Thankfully it has a double garage which is jammed with boxes and furniture which will stay there till we are in the new place. Shifting involved 3 skip bins and 3 bonfires ugggh.

I left one full time job for a part time job then left that for glorious unemployment when the house sold. Haven't found a new one yet (haven't really looked), but have the odd temp pop up now and then.

Eldest son now in the Navy, loving it. We went up to the Passing Out Parade a couple of weeks ago, and a family church service a month or so before that; a lovely blend of traditional military stuff and modern, human everyday things. Wish he would write more often, I miss him and found the first few weeks dreadful - no contact, it was as though he'd died.

On the verge of beginning to build our new house. Exciting!! Have had seemingly endless nitpicking from the Council to get the plans to "go" stage but hopefully the foundations begin this weekend. Hubby and his mate are doing a large part of it (except mate ended up on crutches this week and is now waiting for knee surgery).

Rain! Endless bloody rain, nuff said.

So, there you have it for now. See, once I start I can't shut up. There's a whole lot of stuff that I should offload for my own good but that might have to be channelled into other places.

May 22, 2007 at 13:07 o\clock

Testing....

by: jaybee

The date on this entry says 16 May 2007 at 12 17 o'clock. It is in light grey and I can't change it so it will be interesting to see what comes up when I publish because it is actually 22 May at 10.56pm. Use current time is checked.

Okayyyyy well, I have resigned my new job shock horror. Spent a thoroughly miserable weekend and after a group discussion with hubby and friends we went to dinner with, they all persuaded me that there was no point continuing in a position that I clearly loathed and the worries of being on the job hunting scene would be less than the worries of remaining where I was. I was a bit astounded because I rather thought that having made my bed I'd have to lie in it but there you go! Yesterday I composed my letter and handed it over after lunch with fear and trepidation - once again, I needn't have worried it seems. The sky didn't fall on me, nor did my boss rage or weep - can't believe it was that easy.

What now? Well, I could go knocking on doors with my CV or I could set up my own wee temp enterprise, the trouble is I need difficult hours, say 9 - 2.30 max. Picky eh - but that's why I left my original job so there is no point in backsliding on that. So, two weeks and counting!

Will now attempt to publish that, I just cannot get the hang of how to drive this blog any more with regards to viewing recent entries. Here goes.

May 17, 2007 at 23:17 o\clock

Confused

by: jaybee

Can anybody shed light on why I can't get my recent blogs onto the page when I go to "View weblog"? I discovered both the previous two entries were actually there but they took a long time for me to find, yet they must pop up somewhere because I've got comments posted on them.

Any help would be appreciated.

Now I must go to work - another day in paradise. Yeah right. (Yeah right is the p.s. to many many statements, meaning we mean the complete opposite. It comes from a Tui beer ad, and is world famous - in NZ anyway.)

May 17, 2007 at 12:11 o\clock

Grrrrr

by: jaybee

Just wrote a lovely blog, happiness filled following a pleasant stress-free day celebrating the B.Ed (Tchg) bestowed on daughter who even let us give her a hug -and went to publish and I think lost the lot. I only say "think" because it's taken all day to find the blog I did last night so it could be lost in cyberspace somewhere.

Won't gnash my teeth just yet, but also don't have the energy or heart to try recreating it, suffice it to say it was calm and relaxed for once. We've had a lovely day.

And reflective too, on the big gap I feel at times like this when I miss my parents - you know, when you just want to tell them things. Perhaps they know anyway.

And a random thought too - hubby thought he might just shave his head of what little hair he has (family failing, not chemo) but I hate shaved heads so I rashly said that if he did, I would too. Sure hope he doesn't!! At least it would make a change from my entire family moaning about my greying hair (it doesn't actually worry me!).

Damn I'm annoyed at losing that episode.

May 17, 2007 at 12:02 o\clock

Grin and share it

by: jaybee

Mood: Tired and happy

After all my rants and moans yesterday, I've had a lovely day today.

We now have a B.Ed (Tchg) in the family - it's official! Capped and gowned and scroll presented. I guess every other mum in the Regent was busting with pride too but I reckon I was the only one who mattered. I didn't disgrace myself by blubbering although I did shed a tear or two quite by accident at the beginning as the begowned tutors filed in, pomp and ceremony often does that to me and I'm getting worse as I get older. But really, tears of pride and joy, however irrational, are excusable surely!

Nah, it was a lovely day, looooong ceremony for Small to sit through although with the aid of a pen and pad to draw on, he coped very well. Following the ceremony the two big boys wandered off round town while we adults (had Pip's late best mate's parents with us, they are her "other" parents, and Grandad) ambled down to the huge marquees in the square and eventually located Pip. She was actually quite happy to see us and suffered maternal and paternal hugs (but only one each) and we did the photo thing both there and at T.Coll and Massey - then off to lunch at The Bath House. Very nice. Then to a pub to meet with somebody and somebody's parents, (Duncs and I went to Pak'n'Save and stocked up on chips and fizz and nibbles for the expected influx at the flat tonight), took the cap and gown back to the hire place and ended up at Pip's flat - nobody else home. After a welcome cuppa and shoe removal, and quick gidday to flatties and one set of flatties grandparents who came and went, we tootled home again - so it was a long day, 8.15am to 6pm, but one that we wouldn't have missed for the world. Even managed to get a photo of all four kids looking reasonably happy together, and a few others. Wish she'd booked an official studio photo but I think some of her flatmates have one of her on her own.

I'm raving on, sorry. Brevity is not in my vocab. But isn't it all nice and positive tonight!!

Poor old husband has just had a call out - one of the only advantages of him being ill was not being on that roster but he's back on it now. Has had a couple of middle of the nights this week and they're knocking the stuffing out of him. Hopefully this early evening one will let him off a later call.

And now for tonight's random thought....

My greying hair is a bone of contention with the family - they all hate it with a vengeance but honestly it doesn't bother me, at least not as much as regrowth does, so I don't dye it anymore, not even streaks or foils which I will admit I liked (except for the price). The husband reckoned he was going to shave his off - not that he has much anyway, baldness is a family failing I'm afraid and he hasn't escaped - but I hate shaved heads so I threatened that if he did, I would too. God, I hope he doesn't!!!!

I wish my parents could have been there today, especially my Dad. I still have his degree rolled up in a tube upstairs..... It's times like this that I really, really hate being an orphan - I just want to tell them things sometimes!

May 16, 2007 at 12:51 o\clock

Timid toe dip

by: jaybee

Mood: Uncertain

Huge gaps are not a good idea. I have them at the moment in my blog, my journal, my very life it feels.

A quick catch up, excuse disjointedness.

Chemo: First lot finished thank God, two doses of the next lot down (6 to go) and it doesn't seem to be affecting him so far. It got very difficult towards the end of the other lot with each dose having worse and worse effects. But the good news, GREAT news is that a CAT scan about a month ago came up clear, with no mets anywhere. Oddly enough that was about when this whole thing began to hit me, maybe because I relaxed my guard?

Job: I've chucked my lovely job in. I needed to cut my hours back so I could be an after school mum to my 7 year old, and the boss wouldn't play the game so when I saw another one advertised as part time with flexible hours I went for it. Trouble is, I hate it. Sigh. But it is lovely finishing at 2.30! Homework gets done before the journey to school, tea is no longer a whirlwind affair with prep beginning as I walk in the door at a quarter to six. Washing can be put out in the morning and brought in dry after work. The money is at a slightly higher rate but only working 4.5 hours a day cuts it back again. And rostered Saturdays are about to begin - working 2 out of 3. My eyes are open for something better.

Daughter: Graduates tomorrow with  a B.Ed (Tchg) - how about that! And even better, we are all allowed to go to the ceremony. (I think that's so as we can pay for the obligatory celebratory lunch afterwards. She's already told us it won't be any use our trying to mingle with everybody else's parents as we aren't in their class.) Kirsty's parents are coming too so at least she won't be too foul in front of them. I'm terribly proud of her but am not allowed to give her even a hug, that hurts.

House: Still on the market, no nibbles, only one person through since we changed agents at the beginning of March. New plans almost complete, right down to the specs. Anticipation building (no pun intended).

Youth Hostels: we went down to Wellington a couple of weeks ago so Husband and the big kids could go to the rugby at the cake tin - a first for the males, Pip's been before. (Small and I got the better deal, we went to Mr Bean Goes On Holiday then had tea at a pancake place.) Trying to get accomodation for 6 that doesn't involve a third mortgage was tricky until we happened on the YHA site on the net. The kids were aghast - because the parents are so OLD!!! But we explained that youth hostels weren't just for youths lol. We (parents anyway) were super-impressed at the Wellington YHA - just like a hotel really, except for sharing the bathroom. Spotlessly clean, fantastic central city location, parking not a problem - and it cost $155 for all of us. Recommended to all. Also did Te Papa and many varied takeaways. Maybe next time I'll get to visit....

Son: Eldest, who was on a year's cadet scheme at the local Council has finished his time there and the promised position that would be available at the end of his contract, wasn't. He's spent quite a lot of time haymaking and carting straw, as well as being a scarer at the Maze - however, the Maze has closed now and its getting past hay and straw time. He has always spoken of joining the Navy, but has done nothing about it yet. Having a mostly unemployed 19 year old around, who isn't keen on domestic chores or board paying is fast losing it's appeal. We've tried and tried to get him motivated, but I'm wary of pushing him into something he no longer wants to try. I've sort of laid the law down - if he doesn't want to go to the Navy any more that's fine but in that case he needs to get a job. Sigh.

Enough for now? I have missed being here, have missed journalling too. It's like everything gets too hard sometimes and I go into a black hole. Actually I have been feeling a bit ? bleh ? lately, think it's a combination of mental and hormonal. Not that any bastard here gives a toss. Oh, harsh, sorry. Second son just went past and said "don't know why you bother Mum, nobody will ever read it". That's not the point though is it? That's just bloody spoilt my first entry back. Bugger.

I think I like my jewellery because choosing what to wear is a choice that I can make solely for the pleasure that it gives me. Now that's a random wee thought, just thought I'd chuck that one in.

For other times: Drifton, Goon show, shaved heads...

Feb 21, 2007 at 14:08 o\clock

Time for a quickie

by: jaybee

Have really missed blogging - has been for a number of reasons, beginning with getting a bollocking from the daughter about references to her. Seems I offended her sensibilities with a mention of some kind that was less than kind and she was highly miffed. While I'm sorry she didn't like or approve, it really is not her business - or is it? Anyway, it cramped my style, left me feeling that once again my own space was not my own and that, combined with lots of other things, has kept me away. Howerver, I read an article on blogs in a magazine today and it got me back on track....

The husband continues with his chemo. It's been a long haul thus far but he's on the homeward stretch (we hope). So far he's had 6 out of 8 three week courses, although a couple of them have stretched an extra week to allow him to recover between doses.For each cycle he spends most of one day over at the hospital receiving a cocktail of infusions - drugs thru IV - then for a fortnight swallows a heap of pills twice a day, then has a week's recovery. For the first week he has a very painful arm where the chemo went in, then nasty reactions in the form of numbness and severe sensitivity to cold in his hands and feet. Finally, the soles of his feet and palms of his hands become incredibly sore and tender and he loses a layer of skin. The last couple of cycles have really upset his previously cast-iron gut too, and he's had nausea and diarhoea (sp?) to cope with too, although he has more pills to counteract that as required. In spite of all this, he is managing to work 2 out of 3 weeks, and potters at home for the rest of the time.

The house remains unsold as yet, but the open homes are coming thicker and faster. We're about to come to the  end of a sole agency so will probably change agents then. Sod's law has decreed that in our small street there are now 4 houses on the market within spitting distance of each other, all for perfectly legit reasons but it's not a good look for purchasers!

And the plans for the new house are progressing, although we can't act on them till this place sells. We've nearly got the floorplan to where we want it, and the process of choosing bricks, windows, doors and kitchen layouts is about to begin. Nightmare material for me, I can't even pick a lightshade without dithering! Our mates' house on the section next door is at the really exciting stage - their framework went up this week so it's actually looking like a house now. Hubby has spent many, many hours over there pottering and helping and storing "how to" skills for our place. In many ways it's been his sanity saver.

We survived the daughters 21st - both the birthday at the beginning of January, and the party a couple of weeks ago. These events were not without stress but worked out well in the end. In fact, I had a great time! I made a photo book for her and finally got to dabble with scrapbooking stuff that I've been storing up for ages. My usual disorganised self had me working into the wee small hours every night for about a week on the project, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and was pleased with the outcome. Brownie points to me.

The weight issue is still there but I'm still thinking energetically! Over the school holidays I was able to walk to and from work as I didn't have to take small to school, and after 3 weeks I reckon I was beginning to see results - only tiny ones but enough to be encouraging. But then school went back and the walking stopped and eating began and...... It also doesn't help to have a boss who has gone from about a size 20 down to 66kg and is preening at every opportunity.

Gotta go,

Later...

Sep 21, 2006 at 14:39 o\clock

Don't get sick, get hurt

by: jaybee

Mood: Cross and tired
Listening to: Night-time creaks

Friday, Sept 22 2006, 12.50am (so its really Thursday night)

I am feeling really angry about something but it makes me feel petty and childish to grizzle about it - but dammit I'm going to anyway.

Here's my husband, 43, Type 1 diabetes so he has to inject four times daily which isn't fun but never mind, he does it. Late last year he was suffering a lot of back and hip pain and we discovered he has a deformed hip socket, and osteo arthritis is taking hold there. Bugger. Oh well, take the painkillers and carry on as best you can and realise a new hip joint is somewhere down the track. Now he's got bowel cancer, had that operated on and is about to undergo chemotherapy for up to a year. For goodness sake, enough! 

Yes, he's lucky - these days injecting insulin is a doddle compared with how it used to be. Easy for me to say from this side of the needle. And isn't it fortunate that medicine has come far enough for hip replacements to be relatively common and uncomplicated? And gosh, we were so lucky that his cancer was picked up quite by chance at such an early stage and he was able to have the operation laproscopically and hasn't ended up with a colostomy bag, and not all chemotherapy is as debilitating as we imagine, and aren't we lucky we had medical insurance (which pays 80% up to a certain limit) ......

Yeah, right. It's all very well looking at the bright side and picking bits of that old silver lining out of the clouds, but every now and then it doesn't hurt to have a little wallow. I just wish there was an evening out process somewhere along the way and that the good guys didn't have to keep taking the knocks while the bad buggers keep getting away unscathed (spose the Mob will get me for that).

But what has got me stewing at the moment is this. Through the last couple of months, Brent has been using up his sick leave with specialist appointments, the operation and recovery time, the scan, more appointments - and so have I because I want to be there  with him - and when the sick leave runs out then you use up annual leave or take leave without pay meaning either loss of family time later on or loss of funds now.  We have been backwards and forwards to Palmerston North that many times I can't remember - there's a certain dollar cost involved there too. Ok, that's just how things work and it's bad luck but it's the same for everyone.

HOLD IT!! Hold it right there. It is NOT the same for everyone. Consider this. A certain other employee at my husband's work recently went hunting down south with his mate. They had a great time out in the wop wops and when they got back to civilisation they got totally boozed, and  this bloke jumped off a balcony and shattered both feet. While I have sympathy for his pain, remember this: it was self inflicted through booze and stupidity and need never have happened.  This bloke got flown to hospital, flown back to his home town, and has been off work for something like twenty weeks ON FULL PAY thanks to our wonderful ACC (Accident Compensation) system. That's not the worst bit.  What has really raised my blood pressure through the sodding roof is that he's going skydiving this weekend - his wife bought him this as a birthday treat - and he's still not back at work because he's on ACC. And we're using up annual leave and going without because we're having to pay for what the insurance doesn't cover (our share of about $16,000 so far, never mind travel and petrol) all because Brent got sick. If he'd got pissed and impaled himself on a fence post or something, we'd be better off, but hey! That's the way it is.

Forgive my bitterness but it just isn't fair.

And shall I carry on whinging? We have to pay for needles, insulin, tablets, test strips - it doesn't stop there. Healthy food is much more expensive than crappy junk. Trim milk costs more than ordinary blue top. Low fat stuff is dearer than regular stuff. Low sugar products are more expensive than normal ones. See? If you get sick, life becomes very expensive. If you get hurt, you get compensated.

Where's the justice? And that's only the financial side. I won't even try to find justice on the "Why us" front.

I feel a bit better having off loaded that. Sorry for those that have had their ears bent.

Jaybee

Sep 19, 2006 at 21:50 o\clock

Why won't they do the dishes?

by: jaybee

Mood: Slightly grumpy
Listening to: Some crap on tv in background

Hi,

Surely it's not too much to ask for my kids to do the goddamned dishes? But no, they won't do them.

It was Brent's first day back at work today, and I was at my work too....got home at 5.30 to find Brent and his sister having a cuppa so instead of getting tea on the go I joined them, which meant tea got later....I'd planned on doing a fish pie but everyone pulled faces at that so I crumbed and fried most of it and experimented with a little of it, chopping up a bit of snapper, some marlin, onions, parsley, egg, flour and turning it into fritter things. They ate it. I loaded the dishwasher and set it going, made a cup of tea and did my newspaper typing, it's now ten o'clock and in spite of me asking and asking and asking the bloody dishes are still sitting where I left them after cooking tea. Jeez it annoys me and ps the husband off. Lazy little shits.

Well now, an update on the husband. Yesterday we visited the oncologist who gave us the glad tidings that there didn't appear to be any secondaries, certainly none showed on the scan. Hooray!! some good news at last. I was almost too scared to contemplate good news because we've had a few kicks lately.  That's the good bit, the not so good bit is that Brent now has to undergo 30 weeks of chemo, being weekly injections administered at the cancer clinic in PN. Hopefully he will get onto a trial programme which involves a mixture of drugs and gives a slightly better prognosis than the ordinary chemo, but if not it is the other programme, 5Fu I think it's called. Apparently it's not the the absolutely horrendous stuff that lays you out for a week a month and makes all your hair fall out (thank goodness, he may not have much on top but there's heaps on his body!); he should be able to continue working throughout and even play sport but will feel more tired than usual. All this will begin sometime in mid-October, after he's recovered more from his operation. And that recovery has been truly marvellous - as yesterday's man said, why bother with a knife when you can use a telescope?  So we're feeling quite a lot happier this week. Unfortunately the hubby has hatched another cold and is cough-cough-coughing, not too good for his tummy.

Today was a funeral day. Peter Brock, the King of Tonga, and Dave D..... here in our town. He - Dave - had a very noteable funereal procession of Harley Davidsons preceeded by him in a gleaming black coffin on the back of an impeccable shiny old Holden Kingswood ute - Gemma, his daughter, rode on the back of the first Harley and looked so little and alone. Her older sister committed suicide ten years ago under the Bulls Bridge on her 15th birthday, then her mum and dad split up and her mum moved down south; recently Gemma has had a little boy of her own. She's 21, four days older than our daughter. It was in the maternity home that we met and the girls went through kindy, primary school and intermediate together. Dave dropped dead from a heart attack. He was only 47.

After about two years of not keeping up the family communications with the various cousins round the country, not even doing Christmas cards, I've started writing letters again. With pen and ink not on the computer so while they may be pleased to hear from me (or not!) they may have trouble reading my scrawl. It did feel good to be getting in touch again though. And I got a phone call from one cuz at the weekend though I haven't heard from the other one yet. Mind you she might still be investing her millions - it was the Lotto one! It is nice receiving mail that ain't bills.

Tired, grumpier because its now even later and no kids doing dishes. To bed, to bed.

Jaybee

Sep 5, 2006 at 20:46 o\clock

The news

by: jaybee

Mood: Tired
Listening to: Dawn chorus

The expanded version will have to wait, but here is the condensed news on the hubby.

He had his op - laproscopically assisted right hemicolectomy for you medicoholics - on Thursday last week. Came back with drips aplenty, in, out and all about, and made good progress day by day with the gradual removal of plumbing. Big milestones: Friday night, he "passed wind" - got a text while at Folk Dance night for small, it read "don't be down hearted because I have farted". Because this meant the bowel was waking up, he was then allowed food, eg soup, scrambled egg, moving gently on to more substantial stuff. Then it was removal of final drip, and walk to the door and back, with an almost vertical posture. Monday morning, the bowels (not the earth) moved!  These small things are huge achievements, its funny how perspective changes depending on circumstances. Final frontier - home on Monday afternoon. He's very weak and tired but looks a lot better than he did, everybody thinks.

Yesterday we had to go back to see the surgeon who had been too busy to see Brent before discharge, and get the histology reports from the surgery. A mere formality we thought but, no. Another bombshell for us. The lymph nodes that were removed showed cancer in them. This means the possibility that it has spread further, so the next step is a CT scan to look for more, then six months chemotherapy (which changes the chances of the cancer returning from 50/50 to maybe 60/40 or even 70/30 against). Can you believe it? We are having trouble with this one, had so pinned our hopes on the surgery being the end of it all. Not going to do the why thing cos all that does is your head in. Just taking a day at a time.

Sore eyes today, and must get more tissues.

More later.

Jaybee

Sep 2, 2006 at 09:02 o\clock

The operation

by: jaybee

Mood: Disorganised
Listening to: Dunc watching TV in my bed

Decided to blog then thought I’d better do it as a document first because I hate to think of getting everything down then losing it thanks to some site gremlin or my computer as it’s doing its daily scan, but it doesn’t feel the same for all that, doing it this way. Should put the microwave timer on too because I know I have verbal, er, typing, diarrhoea.

Right, the operation.

We had to be over at the hospital at 7am, which meant getting up about a quarter to six in order to get away by quarter past…Which we did, blearily. Once over there we had to do the paperwork, meet the nurse (a small, very black, Indian called Bal. He’s lovely), fill in more forms - thank goodness most had been done at the visit last week, shower, shave the very hairy belly from nipples to pubes, don white stockings (for the circulation) and attractive baby blue gown. At this point I was wondering if they’d got him down as a tranny in for nip and tuck, but Bal assured us it was standard theatre garb. I think he understood I was joking, but I forget that not everybody has my warped sense of humour. The anaesthetist popped in for a chat, then we waited..and waited….for days it seemed, but it was only till ten o’clock then they trundled my very nervous, slightly teary husband away, saying he’d be back by two.

Off I went into town, to do some mind distraction exercises. Started off at the kitchen place, expecting to browse the showroom and pick up a couple of ideas - an hour later I’d seen about thirty kitchens and had a pile of pamphlets about a foot high to browse through. Confusion reigneth, but I think price will be a major deciding factor in the final outcome. I mean, sure I’d like granite worktops with sliding pantries and soft touch drawer closures and double ovens and this and that but one has to be practical, we need some dollars left to build the rest of the house too! And oh my god, how is the woman who lived with bare light bulbs for twelve years because she couldn’t decide on light shades going to decide on a whole houseful of things? The noise you are hearing is the sprouting of grey hairs. So anyway, after I left there I wandered into town, but my mind wasn’t really in gear and I just drifted around wasting time. Bought a pair of pj bottoms for Brent in case he runs out, got a summer blouse for work, and that’s about it. Went and had some yummy quiche at McCafe and suddenly it was quarter to two and I found myself skedaddling back to the hospital in case I wasn’t there when Brent arrived back.

Sat in the lounge which is a good lookout point for passing traffic, and waited, and waited, and waited…..at three o’clock I got myself a cup of tea and was just wandering down to Brent’s room in case I’d missed him when I spotted the surgeon, so I introduced myself and asked how it had gone. The procedure had gone well, he said, but it was definitely a cancer. Thunk. I think he said “a cancer” not “Cancer” - you tell me, is there a difference? I’ll hang on to the first one, it sounds less, well, you know. Oh, I said. What does that mean, where do we go from here? We wait now, for lab results (more waiting). We have to wait to see if there is cancer in the lymph nodes they took out, and if there isn’t, fine, but if there is, we’ll move on from there. Does that mean Chemotherapy? It might. (God, it’s like getting blood out of a stone.) When will we get results back? Up to a week. What next? Just recover from surgery first. Then we’ll see what needs to happen, probably start with a scan. I’ll pop in to see Brent later.

Ok. It’s there. It’s happened, the sky is falling - he doesn’t know yet and I’m not going to tell him.

I slunk down to Brent’s room feeling like I’d been hit with a fekkin great sledgehammer, trying to arrange my face impassively in case he was there - but he wasn’t, so I drank my cuppa, blew my nose, wrote in my journal and waited some more. He finally turned up about half past three, as my phone was coming to life with “how is he” texts. Poor darling was dozy, and bristling with tubes. Tubes up his nose, in his arm, out his willy, but he was awake enough to say “I’m glad to see you, I didn’t think I was going to”….My big, strong, invincible macho man. He dozed off and on for the next hour or so then a nurse came in - new nurse, different shift, really neat lady - and talked about this and that, what we could expect in the next day or so, breathing exercises, her family, our family, how to laugh and cough and how not to, how to call for help, the pain thing, the drugs thing, concentrating on recovery and building up to things slowly, the importance of passing wind - lots of stuff. She’d had her mum go through the same op last year and was very good at reassuring Brent and empathising with me. After she left we were just like an old (really old) married couple in a rest home, sitting/lying holding hands and dozing. Awwww…. I left him to sleep about half six and came on home - back to normal life, straight to Scouts where I collected Greg, and Duncan once Mike dropped him off, then pick up tea on the way home (F&C) and try to eat it while talking on two phones at once it seemed, everybody wanting to know the latest. It was quite late by the time I finished, and I just flopped on the floor and watched the stupid programmes the boys had on that they’re not usually allowed to watch downstairs (Pulp Sport and some cartoon thing). They caught me laughing several times, I won’t live it down for a while.

Damn, the beeper’s gone off.

I'll be back later

Aug 29, 2006 at 10:34 o\clock

Here we go again

by: jaybee

Mood: Slightly surreal
Listening to: Silent house

Tuesday, 10.34pm

Tried to write a minute ago but foolishly went to look at 'previous entries' and lost it. So here goes again.

The surreal mood is probably a result of a combination of  things: the large amount of chocolate I've just eaten, being tired, pills I'm taking for a crook back, anticipation of Thursday...

Thursday is our biggie, the day husband goes into hospital for the removal of half of his bowel. Nobody had actually said "He's got cancer", we've had phrases like "nasty cells", "pre-cancerous conditions", 'abnormalities" - but we'll know for sure once they remove it and examine the lymph nodes attached to the arteries that feed that portion of intestine. Today he had day one of a special diet - it's not too bad really, just limited to chicken, fish, eggs, dairy products, white rice, bread and pasta. Easy. It's called a low residue diet, and he has to be on it for the two days prior to his operation. No fasting this time, much kinder to diabetics. The down side is that he'll have an enema on admission. The surgeon expects to do most of the procedure laproscopically which will reduce his stay in hospital to 5-7 days - still that's a fair while. Then two weeks recovery at home following that, and see how you go. It's a biggie isn't it, and it's just starting to hit me. I know I'm only an observer, it isn't me that's it's happening to, but in a way that's even worse because I feel so useless and helpless - when the kids are sick or hurt I can fix them up or at least comfort them but this one is outside my powers, there's nothing I can do. Shut the lid on that box.

Open the next box - the house. Ok, we did eventually get to see the offer made a couple of weeks ago (took the land agent a couple of days to get to us). It wasn't a bad offer, but I didn't feel that we could accept the first offer we got, within 2 weeks of it being on the market. I think Brent would have done without too much persuasion, but his wife is stubborn....so we counter-offered, and the prospective purchaser got her nose in a knot and pulled the plug. She didn't want to negotiate. Her choice, I shrugged my shoulders. But wait.....later in the week the agent came back with a request to view the house and who should it be? The same woman. The plot is definitely thickening, she has connections with our house - is looking to buy it for her daughter, who used to be married to the brother of the guy who built the house and owned it before us. Even more complicating factors - the daughter's daughter works after school with me. Now, how much do they all know, what do I say, how do I act - of course the girls at work want to know how did the viewing go, have we had another offer......I feel like the 3 monkeys, saying nothing. The land agent works in tandem with another one, number one works with the sellers (us) and number two with the purchasers. So, agent number 2 took them through on Saturday, and we haven't heard a damned thing since. Don't you think that's a bit rude? I really feel like contacting number one and telling her - she's very professional and we feel comfortable with her, but the other one does not inspire confidence. She was going to take her clients through the place without even having seen it herself! Hmm. I don't want to be a moaner but any feedback would be better than none.

Sunday was gorgeously sunny, so much so that it inspired me to plant out some plants that I'd bought about a fortnight ago (typical of me) - and it was just prior to doing that, that I bent down to pick a weed up and pinged my back. Oh the pain, the agony. Spent quite a lot of time on hands and knees wondering how I was going to get fully vertical again because each time I tried I got a burst of such pain that I sank down to all fours again. Eventually made it, and spent the rest of the day moving slowly and carefully. Bed that night was not a relaxing place, and I felt like absolute shite in the morning, so took myself off to the doctor who diagnosed "mechanical strain" whatever that means. Pulled muscle? that's what I'd diagnosed. He's given me some anti-inflammatories, and I must admit they've done wonders already. What an old crock! Work is ok so long as I'm careful. Actually, lifting doesn't hurt. Bending down to pick things up does. And I can drive now but it was difficult yesterday.

Husband played number one son at squash on Saturday - first time I've seen them up against each other for real. Age and experience won out over youth and energy but it was a close thing. Brent doesn't think he'll be beating Mike much longer but I reckon once he's fit and well again it will give him a boost. We'll see. It may be a long time before he's bashing balls again.

Found out that my soldier (the letters one) died from Tuberculosis - got his records last week. Coincidentally, there has been a kid at PNBHS go down with TB, and something like 30 out of 50 kids in his classes have tested positive too. That's disgusting in this day and age!! There's talk that the whole school might be tested, no mean feat with a roll of 1500 or so. The infected boy is in the third form, far away from Greg.

Got rid of my heap of shit cellphone that had been playing up for the last couple of months. Bought one from one of my workmates who changes hers regularly, for $100. A bargain I reckon, it even has a camera!

ZZZ time. I'm knackered. But I needed to update.

Cheers,

Jaybee

Aug 18, 2006 at 02:06 o\clock

Middle of the night

by: jaybee

Mood: Cruisy
Listening to: Silence

It seems that if I have a wine or two or three early in the evening, I wake up in the middle of the night bright and refreshed, ready to go.... trouble is, by the time it is time to be bright and refreshed and ready to go for real, I'm snoring in the depths again!

It's all happening in this joint - the house has been "on the market" for what? two weeks? and we've just heard from the real estate agent that she's received an offer for it and will bring a contract round for us to look at tomorrow. Er, hang on a minute, nobody's been through! Seems the prosepective buyer likes the street and saw the house on the website (there is only one photo there, an outside shot). How bizarre is that?

I'm really not into sell mode - the place, to outside eyes, is a bit of a bomb site, although I look at it as well-lived in. I am gradually beginning to get myself into tidy mode but have the huge obstacle of sentimentality to get over.   If left alone I think I could conquer this but not quickly - but to do it in a short time frame worries me to say the least.

If we did negotiate a sale from this offer, there would have to be certain stipulations: for a start, there's no way we could move within two months. Problem A being hubby is due in hospital in a fortnight and will take at least a month before he's up to anything physical (and moving must be counted as physical!) and Problem B is a lack of anywhere to move to. Minor details lol. Minor like Mt Everest probably.

I have a theory. We're in a seven year cycle. 1999 saw us coping with not one, not two but five major - and I do mean major - events, and went down in history as our annus horribulus (excuse me, your majesty). Now we are doing multiple major life events again! Please, please let it stop at two.

Number two son cracked me up the other night. He was complaining of sore feet, red bumps on his toes that really hurt. This is the kid that has worn Roman sandals right through winter rather than shoes and socks so what's your diagnosis? Yep, same as mine, chilblains. What made me laugh was that he thought he'd got blisters and had tried to pop them (no wonder his feet are sore), and that he's never heard of chilblains. You should have seen his face when I told him the folklore cure! No, he didn't try it. Didn't believe me either and it didn't help when I said "Try Google, it'll back me up" and it didn't! He's going tramping tomorrow, up to Rangi Hut where there will probably be snow. Rest assured he won't be in Roman sandals.

Have to work tomorrow. It's not often I work on a Saturday so I don't really mind but on the other hand it would be a good to have time at home tidying, sorting and chucking out. Never mind, there's always Sunday.

Cheers,

Jaybee

Aug 14, 2006 at 05:47 o\clock

Whoa, what's happened?

by: jaybee

Mood: Confused
Listening to: Birds twittering

Holy guacamole what's been going on here? Suddenly my nice safe comfortable blog has gone all sterile and odd.  I'm not a great one for change, but will try to keep an open mind.

I'm lost for words actually! Feel most disorientated.

Logic tells me to catch up on the biggie of the household, the husband's health, so that's where I'll start. Mind you he's about to get up and I don't like blogging about people who are around me.... We saw the surgeon last week and have booked in for a "laproscopically assisted right hemicolectomy" on August 31. That will involve 5-7 days in hospital, then at least two weeks recovering at home. Part of what they will remove is some lymph nodes or glands, and its not until that bit gets analysed that we will know one way or another, cancer or merely pre cancer. Waiting is not a pleasant thing, causes lots of tiredness, tension,  niggles - but we have lots of distractions too.

Next biggie - the house. New or old? Well as for the old, we put it on the market the week before last with the thinking that by selling up we'd at least know what we had to work on with the new house. The up side will be no bridging finance except what we've got for the section, but the downside is the likelihood of having to move out and rent somewhere before the new place gets built. If we could have our druthers, it would be to find a buyer who will pay the asking price and be happy either for settlement to be way down the track when we're ready, or have us rent until we can move into the new house. We'll just have to take what comes, but then we're getting good at that, comes with practice.

Selling is all a bit of a worry for a person who has been an inefficient housewife for the last twenty something years. Not to mention a hoarder of all things. When the real estate agent first came through I had two hours notice - amazing how much you can pick up and stuff in cardboard boxes in two hours! The trouble is, now I have to go through the boxes to sort the crap from the uncrap. And I can't find lots of things, whereas when they were randomly strewn over the place, I could. The dreadful part is that although we know how great the improvement has been already, an outsider would still cast their eye over the place and think "what a mess"! Even I am beginning to look through a stranger's eye at the house. Sigh. Put it on the list. The To Do list.

The week of the "listing", I was off work with small who had chicken pox. I'd thought he was going to be the only kid in class who missed it, but he was just a late starter.  Lots happened that week, or maybe I was just aware of it because I was home. There was the argument with the rubbish men, they'd missed our wheelie bin the week before and wouldn't take my excess because it wasn't in official bags - after twenty minutes of being staunch and strong I resorted to feeble female weapons, snivelling and mentioning my sick child etc etc. Despicable I know but it worked, then I blasted the office lady because she'd given me special dispensation but hadn't told the guys on the truck. Then there was the visit from the MIL who has been telling all in sundry about the hubby's health and making it sound as though we need to get the shovel out....and the daughter from hell who is still not speaking much to us, although she came home briefly this weekend and spoke but we wish she hadn't because none of it was  pleasant and positive, its all negative and critical which gets a bit hard to bear sometimes.

On a lighter note.....Harold the Tranny.  Not his, er, her real name, but let it suffice.  This six foot vision with pink and purple braided hair, long fingernails, boobs and a two day growth appeared at work and asked me, "Where's the toilet?". At least that's what my ears heard....He had a child with him, about seven I guess, so, assuming it was for the child, I said, "follow me", and half way out to the back I took the drink the child was holding and gave it to "Harold", and we carried on, out the back and up the stairs. "Why are you bringing us here?" asked Harold. "There's the toilet", I replied helpfully. "But I don't want to go", said Harold. "Yes you do," I answered, confused, "you asked where it was!" "I asked where's the Twink!" Oh-My-God.........I have never been so embarrassed in my life. Apologies were profuse, I would willingly have flushed myself away if I could have. The walk back downstairs, out to the shop, to the Twink, to the counter was excruciating. Of course, all the other girls were watching this because of the very interesting nature of the customer, and when they twigged what I'd done, it was almost too much for them. There was a fifteen second pause as "Harold" left the store, then total, utter collapse all round. Strangely enough, the following week our Twink sales were phenomenal, and not at all connected with the Harold incident. But it only takes a customer to ask for Twink and we're off again........

Had cousin from Australia visit this weekend. He arrived in NZ on Wednesday but his bag didn't, so that was a bit of a drama. He got it back eventually on Friday, but not before we'd been shopping for clothes.... I thought he'd do a freeze (we were) but he didn't seem bothered, even went up to Ruapehu on Saturday but without joy as the weather packed in and just got wetter and bleaker. He'd come over to visit his mum who is in a rest home here, but I don't think she knew him, and didn't want to go for a drive with him mainly I suspect for that reason. He soldiered on through three visits though, good on him. He's gone back to Aus now.

Right, I should go for a walk. Have been doing zero exercise and binge eating (comfort eating?) and the result is that I am now the heaviest I have ever been in my life, including when I was pregnant. Yes I feel guilty, but that only makes me reach for another slice of cheese or bag of chips....

Hope this all works, I'll be devastated if it doesn't.

Jaybee

Jul 31, 2006 at 13:18 o\clock

Time flies

by: jaybee

Mood: Blah
Listening to: TV burble

Monday, 11.16pm

This new keyboard is a joy to type on.

Okay, a brief catch up. Hard to be brief about something when your every waking (and half your sleeping) hours are spent mulling it over.

Hubby’s aforementioned pooh tests came back as positive for blood traces, so the next stage was a gastroscopy and colonoscopy. The drawback here was that a day’s fasting was required before the procedures - and that’s a pretty big ask for a diabetic. However, with the aid of apple juice, lemonade, jelly and other fun stuff he managed his sugar levels, and at the same time didn’t have too much grief from the sachets of picoprep he had to take to “cleanse the colon”. He expected to spend the day on the loo but it wasn’t too bad at all. Mind you, the price of the stuff cleansed the wallet pretty thoroughly!

Fear plays a large part in these things, but if you ever have to go through it, don’t stress too much - although you don‘t get a general anaesthetic, the drugs are wonderful, the only drugs you are actually allowed to enjoy! The gastroscopy was fine, he remembers nothing about that, and the colonoscopy went well (he quite enjoyed watching his innards on the TV screen but felt nothing physically). Well, when I say went well, the procedure did but the results weren’t so hot - he has a large polyp at the end of his bowel which was too big to be removed endoscopally (is that a word?) so the doctor took some biopsies off it and we are awaiting results on that now. He said one part of it looked abnormal but not to worry, it had to come out and once it was in a bucket it wouldn’t be a problem. Sounds like they will remove quite a large section of bowel and stitch the rest back together, maybe a week in hospital if they can do it laproscopically. Now we are waiting to hear from the surgeon and are beginning to fret as the doc who did the first bit thought we’d hear last Friday or today, but so far, nothing.

So, the cloud is still there, threatening. Actually Father bear took the news of the needed operation very well, far better than when the possibility of something was rearing its ugly head. Well I thought he was but we had the most dreadful row on Saturday on leaving a function at squash…long story, we’d all had too much to drink probably but it had been a cheerful time, when wham he went all stupid about driving home. I made Mike block the truck in so he couldn’t drive, pretty staunch of the kid seeing his pride and joy could easily have been backed into by something with bullbars - then I removed the keys and got my lineage roared at me. Small dissolved into a quivering jelly, medium got the angries, large took them home, and I took off on foot after father bear. We had a slanging match in full public view on the footpath, he said I was a *@# bitch who didn’t even care so I slapped him (!) and we power walked from there, freezing our butts off. God it was the most awful thing, but no matter how little or much alcohol was involved that was the most hurtful thing he could have said, that I didn‘t care. I said that if I didn’t care I’d have let him drive, and if I was really a bitch then I would have called the cops and told them he was driving. Oh yes I know he’s under stress. Aren’t I? I know I shouldn’t have lost it but I have been turning myself inside out trying to keep things on an even keel between him and the kids and work and worrying myself stupid……..for nothing? My arse.

Sorry, I have vented now.

No, there’s more I need to unload. The day following, nothing. No apology, no acknowledgement of what had happened, nothing. Not a bloody thing. Towards the end of the day I spat out how I felt totally devastated as much by his silence as by what had happened, and tried to explain how completely gobsmacked I was and how much it had hurt. Oh sorry he said. It’ll take more than sodding sorry I said. And that’s it. As far as he seems to be concerned, that’s it over now. All better. Arse again.

Of course I am being totally unreasonable given the circumstances which is bloody unfair.

I think I’d better stop - I know I’ll feel guilty about this rant. Bugger.

 

New coinage came into effect today, its funny. So little. The oldies are going to hate it.

 

Went to Parent Teacher interviews tonight, all well on that front, good on ya Greg.

 

Bed time. Amazing how much distance there can be between the edges of one bed.

 

Jaybee.