*Like It or Not...This Is Me*

Well, it sure has been a hard week for me!  It was a Tuesday afternoon...I was getting my nails done(how selfish of me huh?).  I get a call and it was the hospice nurse telling me that my mother would not make it till morning and I should call people to come and say goodbye.  I am freaking out and all shakey.  Keep in mind that my sister who lives with my mother is in Minneapolis for a work conference and my other sister lives in Florida.  I leave the salon and not even half a block out I get another call from the nurse saying my mother had passed away...I lost it and am now driving and I don't know where.  I was at several stop lights and didn't know how I even got there.  I get to my mothers house and my auntie was there since it was her turn for to watch my mother...I lost it and cried and cried so hard I had a panic attack.  I felt like that little lost girl like when my father passed away when I was nine.  I just sat in her room and cried holding her arm.  My Goddess...what am I ever going to do?  I am so lost without her right now.  I called my auntie who is my mothers' sister and we just cried.  She was at work and I really didn't want to tell her but I did...It was so hard.  I tried to call my sister but her phone was turned off.  My other sister in Florida doesn't have a phone so I had to wait to get to my mothers to get the phone number to call her hubbys' work cell.  It was so chaotic I really don't even remember what was going on.  My sister finally called back and Iwas able to tell her.  She told me who to call...and I did.  I called a few others to let them know.  Hubby was great and got the kids after school and just gave me my space.  I am like that...I don't want hugs and shoulder rubs...just leave me the F alone!  Then the nurse asked if she should call the ambulance..I said no as I would like my kiddos to say goodbye to her as well.  Hubby called and they said they didn't want to so she made the call.  I was in no way, shape or form to watch that so I went downstairs and closed the curtains, turned up the tv and drank my coffee.   Then the pastor from the church my mother worked at came and got me...she is so wonderful.  I have so much love for her and am glad she was there.  I don't care for the pastors at my church, they are cold and uncaring in my opinion.  In fact the pastor at our church only visited with my mother once.  My sister got home around 10 PM that night and I felt so much better.  She also picked up my auntie(moms' sister) and that was great...she is also feeling like me...lost and all.  The next day we met with the funeral home and got that all situated.  My mother is being cremated and buried on top of my fathers' casket...strange but that is ok...I am getting cremated too!  When we were there the guy asked if we wanted to see her one last time before they did that and I didn't really care to and neither did my sister but my auntie was kind of wanting to so I told her I would go with her if she wanted to...I am so glad I did that...it gave me one last look at her...she looked so peaceful, we cried so hard and my auntie was so sad for my sisters and I, it was hard.  I gave my mother one last kiss and we left.  So this Saturday we are having a prayer service at a different place because so many people are coming there was no room at the funeral home.   Then Sunday is the funeral and burial.  What am I going to do?  I am the oldest and everyone is calling me and I just want to be left alone!  So, there you have it and please know that I miss you guys and will be on periodically if I need to vent or write!

Take Care...

J.