*Like It or Not...This Is Me*

Oct 27, 2006 at 01:25 o\clock

Wow...15 LONG years of marriage...

Yep, that is what is says...15 years ago I married my hubby, what a long journey that has been...lol  We both completely forgot about it.  I had to call hubby while on my way to my nail appointment.    So much has been going on lately that I guees some things are not too all important.  I went and bought myself a gift...a new pair of ugg LaJolla boots.  They are so adorable I just want to be in them all the time.  Hubby can go buy himself his own gift too!  Who knows what he will get.

Been busy the last couple of days getting ready for a hallloween party I am having on Saturday.  I have made a couple dozen cookies and hand decorated them, homemade popcorn balls, homemade chocolate pumpkin lollipops, and also homemade  caremal apples...I am going to make lil smokies with dough wrapped around them, sloppy joes, chicken drumsticks and lil smokies in barbeque sauce.  I have a few other things like salad and veggies and dips so that is all easy and not to worry about it...any of you out there wanna come, I  am cordially inviting you all but you have to wear a costume!

Just talked to my sister nad she is going to leave the carpet cleaner out in the garage for me...my couch is a little dirty!  I have a few chores around the house to finish up tomorrow and decorate too.  I love Halloween so much, it is my most favorite day of the year!

Well, it is almost 7PM here and I have to pick up my son from work, so I better get going...


Oct 11, 2006 at 23:15 o\clock

A week yesterday...

Well it has been a week and one day since my mother passed away.  It has been very hard for me but with the support of my family I am doing ok. 

 Hubby is now officially out of work due to a Union strike at work.  He voted NO for the strike and they keep calling to see if he will come and picket...NOT!!!  Those assholes even had the nerve to call hubby during my mothers funeral and ask that!  How tacky and uncaring!  His phone was off and in the car but still they called and left a message.  Go to :  oops...the links did not work but if you go to kfyrtv.com or kndx.com they should be there or the local paper at: bismarcktribune.com and look for articles on IR Bobcat.  I am however grateful that this is ND and not NY as they are a bit tougher out there in NY with the UNION CRAP!  Oh well what can you do...ther is also a local newspaper that have the articles about it online and I have left a few nice messages...sarcasm!lol 

Yesterday was my daughters ortho appointment to get her braces tightened...she comes out and they are off...I was like WTF!!!  She has a year left...well there was miscommunication from the finance office to  the nurse lady...see, when you are late paying your bill you go on a holding pattern till you are caught up...which means that they don't do the full tightening but just enough(strange I know) but whatever right...until your bill is caught up and see we were late w/pmt last time but are now caught up and the finance lady said holding is off and the nurse thought she said take em off...crazy shit, no?  My daughter was upset that I said something and at least had one day of freedom from braces!lol  So I had to go in again today and have her miss another morning of school to get them put back on...they are a pretty green colour this time!

Well gotta go, it is church night and now I have to take the nephew and my daughter to church school.


Oct 6, 2006 at 17:28 o\clock

What a week...and it ain't over yet...

Well, it sure has been a hard week for me!  It was a Tuesday afternoon...I was getting my nails done(how selfish of me huh?).  I get a call and it was the hospice nurse telling me that my mother would not make it till morning and I should call people to come and say goodbye.  I am freaking out and all shakey.  Keep in mind that my sister who lives with my mother is in Minneapolis for a work conference and my other sister lives in Florida.  I leave the salon and not even half a block out I get another call from the nurse saying my mother had passed away...I lost it and am now driving and I don't know where.  I was at several stop lights and didn't know how I even got there.  I get to my mothers house and my auntie was there since it was her turn for to watch my mother...I lost it and cried and cried so hard I had a panic attack.  I felt like that little lost girl like when my father passed away when I was nine.  I just sat in her room and cried holding her arm.  My Goddess...what am I ever going to do?  I am so lost without her right now.  I called my auntie who is my mothers' sister and we just cried.  She was at work and I really didn't want to tell her but I did...It was so hard.  I tried to call my sister but her phone was turned off.  My other sister in Florida doesn't have a phone so I had to wait to get to my mothers to get the phone number to call her hubbys' work cell.  It was so chaotic I really don't even remember what was going on.  My sister finally called back and Iwas able to tell her.  She told me who to call...and I did.  I called a few others to let them know.  Hubby was great and got the kids after school and just gave me my space.  I am like that...I don't want hugs and shoulder rubs...just leave me the F alone!  Then the nurse asked if she should call the ambulance..I said no as I would like my kiddos to say goodbye to her as well.  Hubby called and they said they didn't want to so she made the call.  I was in no way, shape or form to watch that so I went downstairs and closed the curtains, turned up the tv and drank my coffee.   Then the pastor from the church my mother worked at came and got me...she is so wonderful.  I have so much love for her and am glad she was there.  I don't care for the pastors at my church, they are cold and uncaring in my opinion.  In fact the pastor at our church only visited with my mother once.  My sister got home around 10 PM that night and I felt so much better.  She also picked up my auntie(moms' sister) and that was great...she is also feeling like me...lost and all.  The next day we met with the funeral home and got that all situated.  My mother is being cremated and buried on top of my fathers' casket...strange but that is ok...I am getting cremated too!  When we were there the guy asked if we wanted to see her one last time before they did that and I didn't really care to and neither did my sister but my auntie was kind of wanting to so I told her I would go with her if she wanted to...I am so glad I did that...it gave me one last look at her...she looked so peaceful, we cried so hard and my auntie was so sad for my sisters and I, it was hard.  I gave my mother one last kiss and we left.  So this Saturday we are having a prayer service at a different place because so many people are coming there was no room at the funeral home.   Then Sunday is the funeral and burial.  What am I going to do?  I am the oldest and everyone is calling me and I just want to be left alone!  So, there you have it and please know that I miss you guys and will be on periodically if I need to vent or write!

Take Care...


Oct 4, 2006 at 02:37 o\clock

Won't be here for a few days...

As you all know or at least most of you...my mother has pancreatic cancer.  Well I got the call today and she has passed away.  I went over and did what a good daughter does I guess and so now I have to wait until my sisters get here before we proceed.  Don't feel much like writing but thought I would let those of you who care know what was going on.  Thank you all for your prayers and kind words you have given me these past few months...it IS appreciated.


Oct 3, 2006 at 05:11 o\clock

I am tired...

Ok, so it was a rough weekend and all.  Sunday morning I get a call from my sister just crying like mad.  My mother had been screaming out all morning...I'm dying help me.  Of course my sister freaked out so I went over there.  I told her to call the hospice nurse and the regular nurse we have.  Well the original nurse came out and she helped out alot.  We think my mother didn't take her every four hour pain pill and went a whole day without one or else she got confused and took too many like one before the next one was due.  Dear Goddess this is aweful.  She hasn't eaten since last Thursday now and can barely swallow the monsterous pill.  If and when she can no longer take the pills, they have dissolve ones for her.  The nurse and oncologist have agreed that she only take the pain pill and the lorazepam as the others are really pointless now.  She has been out of it since Saturday.  We have to completely care for her now. 

Hospice sent a hospitol bed for her today and the nurse and I got her washed up and into that bed.  I of course took the other bed apart and outside.  I want a hospitol bed, they are awesome!  So now we just wait for the day it comes.  I know it will be soon as this is how my f-i-l was.  It is very scarey for me right now knowing that it will be sooner than we thought.  I just don't want her to be in pain you know?  The nurse even said that this was so unexpected since she was out last Thursday and she(my mother) was walking and coherant(sp?).  Now she is bed-bound and not able to really speak, just moan.  The kids are starting to get freaked out so I brought a few things home for them to read and so they will understand a bit more on how things will go.  We weren't 'there' when my f-i-l passed so we really never got to see that but hubbys' sisters and mom have told me.  I know what to expect, but it is still so hard. 

I have decided to get my nails done tomorrow.  I guess it is my little piece of santuary for the day where I don't have to worry so much. 

 I don't have to be at my moms for the whole day although I will pop out there to make sure the people we have lined up are giving her her meds.  I am so thankful my mother has great friends.  The one lady who is out there tonight used to be a registered nurse and that is really a load off of my mind for tonight anyways!  My auntie will be there tomorrow and she is so wonderful and can handle things. 

I know I need to take care of myself, but I have no appetite the last few days with all of the worry.  DON'T WORRY you all who might, I ate a bit tonight, but my tummy is ready to well you know!  I think I have an ulcer, I know I have horrible migraines everyday and I need to get to the doc for those pens that have migraine meds in them.  I got some one time, but I don't have them anymore.  I think I had to chuck them out because they were expired.

My daughter called me from school today.  She had really bad chest pains.  What next huh?  Well, she has asthma and didn't take her inhaler to school with her as she is supposed to.  Then she tells me that she lost it and that is why.  So after I left my mothers' tonight I had to go get that refilled.  Always something.

My sister is of course in Minneapolis for the next couple of days for work.  She almost didn't go but I told her I would call her ASAP if anything came up.  She is stopping by my auntis' and uncles' house if Fargo on the way back to pick up my aunti.  Bout time she comes down.  She has visited maybe twice and called one since the beginning of all this back in the spring.  She is very selfish.  But at least she is coming and that is all that matters.  It is her sister that is DYING and all.  I would sell everything I owned to get to my family in any situation like this.  Some people are just so...I don't know the word but you get it.

So, I have rambled long enough but I needed to get it all out and off my mind for the moment...

Hope you are all well and I send you hugs!