Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon

Well Canada day was filled with drama but not because of Di's party. I never ended up going. My mother was outside washing bok-choi to make kim-chi when she suddenly had a dizzying spell.

 She was lying down in her bed and she asked us to check her bp. My mother.. god where do I start. She has a bazillion things that are wrong with her starting with hyperthyroidism, renal failure, hypertension, low hemoglobin count... then main things of concern has been her high blood pressure and her subsequent kidney failures.

 This always puts me on edge. Everytime we fight the first though always is, " fuck, I'm going to give my mom a stroke" .. it's the most dreadful feeling ever. Anyways, her bp had plummeted to the point that the blood wasn't reaching her brain and opening her eyes made her so dizzy she was nauseous. I called the nurse to see whether or not I should call the ambulance. The nurse advised me to ( surprise surprise). This has happened in the past, sometimes her bp plummeting and sometimes it skyrocketing. I remember she was on the highway when it rocketed and she was so disoriented, the fire trucks and ambulances had to get her off the road and rush her to a hospital. I'm always there when this happens too.. it's crushing. I remember following the ambulances off the highway unable to see through all my tears. It's just awful.  I try to tell her that she'll be ok and it's just precautionary so that's why the paramedics are strapping her into a stretcher and wheeling her into the ambulance. When things like this happen to ur mom, it's the most gut-wrenching, burn-a-hole-through-your-heart feeling.

Anyways, I accompanied my mom on the ambulance AGAIN.. it never ever gets easier. I try to stop myself from thinking about the worst case scenarios but you know I always do and then water just starts sprouting out of my eyes. I had to grab a whole bunch of tissues in the back of the ambulances so I could wipe my face cuz I didn't want my mom to know I was crying. It wasn't very tough, she couldn't open her eyes for fear of vomiting ( which she did as we entered the hospital) and the ambulance is loud. I called Di in the ambulance and told her I couldn't make it to the party. She was so sweet and understanding. She was going to send her mom ( who is a nurse) to take care of my mom.. but she's in Montreal right now.

Anyways, we called my father before we headed off to the hospital. My father was in a golf tournament ( which he would have won again had he played) but he never got a chance to :( I felt bad but this was definitely more important. btw.. the fucking wait time was 12 fucking hours! She got a room right away and she was hooked up to oxygen and IV and this thing that monitored her bp and heart but FUCK FUCK FUCK! there were no fucking doctors! and I hate the fucking admin there, I wanted to punch all of them in the face. Except this one sweet nurse.. I could go on about how I hate these assholes.. but let me spare you.

So I spent most of my day at the hospital, my father let me go home for a few hours and then I went back for her. All of these ppl called and came because my father left the golf course early,.. word spreads like wildfire.

What might be interesting to note is, two days before this debacle, I got into an argument with my mom in the car about my credit card bill.. because I hated that she was trying to forget about what happened like she always does.. and then hope that I'm not pissed anymore. When we argued, she said, " you are so bad, you know that ur sisters never argue with each other and you are the only one they argue with? You're just like ur father, ur grandparents think so too " (as for my sisters arguing with me.. they used to defend my mother when we fought but changed sides when I went to uni and they realized that she was crazy and picked on the available person who would fight back) and I was like, " do you think u are hurting me with all this? you think they don't all agree with me that you are crazy and you do this to yourself?" ... I think that I made my mother cry ( here is where you all decide that I am a vicious fucking bitch)

 They were vicious attacks on each other and yet I was so upset that my mother thought that I was never concerned about her. I thought alot about it and I thought that I was being very harsh albeit in response to her harshness but I don't think I should do that to my mom. I'm not the only one that harps on my mother.. she has to deal with my whole family who just isn't as perfect like she'd like us to be. Even if she is nasty, I know it's a result of buried anger and anxiety.. well.. cuz.. u know.. she's crazy. Weird things drive her insane.(Namely dad.. I love him but he's a neanderthal)  But you know.. she's my mom and I felt that I owed it to her to let her know that I do care about her.

So when I got home, I called her and I said that I was sorry that I was so nasty in the car. She was so taken aback she was silent.. as if I were joking or something. Then she apologized to me ( which is FUCKING WEIRD) and she said, " I guess we are making things hard for each other" and it was true. But I had to explain myself further and I told her that despite how selfish she thinks I am, whenever we do fight, I'm always angrier at myself in the back of my head and that I'm always scared that I'm going to be the final cause of her death. This surprisingly made me cry ( and I fucking hate getting emotional infront of the crazy woman) but this made my mom really happy I think. And it's ok. Even more than I wanted an apology or for her to be reasonable ( which is unlikely in most cases), I wanted her to know that she's important to me and I know how much she sacrifices herself ( literally) and her body to make things easier for us.

It's funny.. I was thinking about it a lot in the hospital.. I was thinking, " God? Isn't this the kind of scare you're supposed to give me when I HAVEN'T made nice with my mom?"

and also...what if we hadn't made up and my mother had died? ( which she easily could have since her kidney stopped working temporarily) Pride seems so stupid but you would never think it.. at the time ur in that argument, defending your position seems to be the most important thing. Maybe. But not against someone you love. You always hear about those ppl who regret not making good before someone's death and it seems so cliche but I bet that is the one inconsolable thing in the universe. I'm determined never to be in that position again. We got home at 1:00am. I'm glad my mom is home. She is still OCD clean so insists on doing things around the house. I guess some craziness can't be prevented with near death experiences. But atleast now I've learned to accept it. Hope you'll all take steps to patch things up with a loved one. Take care, tchocky