A heart that's full up like a landfill...
I'm in a shitty mood... dunno why.. just shitty
Things are unraveling fast. I'm unhappy about a lot of things in my life. I'm NEver usually unhappy. I'm a very optimistic person usually * i know you would never be able to tell when I rant but it's the unsugarcoated me that I subject my blogigo friends to*
I hate having a bf I never get to see except for over the internet, I hate having to stay in this apt with girls I'm never going to speak to again after I move out, I hate not being nearer to my family and friends.. it just seems like i'm hating a lot of things and I don't like feeling so negative.. because I hate haters! OMG I could rant about one right now, but I just don't want to expend that much energy.
At a time where all I want to do is crawl under a rock and hibernate for the rest of my life, I just can't let myself and feel that I have to keep trecking on.. such conflicting feelings inside keep fucking with my brains. Seriously, do these hard times EVER END?
Well as you know... or perhaps I didn't say, I messed up my applications and they were sent past the due date so I have no idea what I'm going to be doing next year. Not only that but one of my reference letters did not go over too well. It seems that my prof did not think I conducted myself professionally when I gave him thank you gifts before he had written my letter ( which I totally thought he had already written) but enough of blaming others. I have to be honest. I am plagued with self doubt because perhaps my application will be rejected since I simply couldn't contend with the pool of other hopefuls. It's just such a maddening feeling. I used to be on top of the world and I just keep toppling.
If I get into the program here, I'm really going to die because I'm so desperate to get out of this place. I've associated all negative things to it.
I feel so helpless in every regard and sometimes, I am immobilized by my uncertainties that I barely have the will power to pick up a pencil or get off my seat to go places. It's just an awful feeling really.
I know it sounds like I'm about to give up and sometimes I really wish I would but I've got a really stubborn resolve to kick ass harder, hardest and it just won't let me rest.
Sigh
I'm such a complexed person.
Most of that probably made no sense to you but for all it's worth, it's made me come to terms I suppose, with the state that I'm in. I only have myself to blame but I hope later on I'll have only good to write about
Tchocky
Things are unraveling fast. I'm unhappy about a lot of things in my life. I'm NEver usually unhappy. I'm a very optimistic person usually * i know you would never be able to tell when I rant but it's the unsugarcoated me that I subject my blogigo friends to*
I hate having a bf I never get to see except for over the internet, I hate having to stay in this apt with girls I'm never going to speak to again after I move out, I hate not being nearer to my family and friends.. it just seems like i'm hating a lot of things and I don't like feeling so negative.. because I hate haters! OMG I could rant about one right now, but I just don't want to expend that much energy.
At a time where all I want to do is crawl under a rock and hibernate for the rest of my life, I just can't let myself and feel that I have to keep trecking on.. such conflicting feelings inside keep fucking with my brains. Seriously, do these hard times EVER END?
Well as you know... or perhaps I didn't say, I messed up my applications and they were sent past the due date so I have no idea what I'm going to be doing next year. Not only that but one of my reference letters did not go over too well. It seems that my prof did not think I conducted myself professionally when I gave him thank you gifts before he had written my letter ( which I totally thought he had already written) but enough of blaming others. I have to be honest. I am plagued with self doubt because perhaps my application will be rejected since I simply couldn't contend with the pool of other hopefuls. It's just such a maddening feeling. I used to be on top of the world and I just keep toppling.
If I get into the program here, I'm really going to die because I'm so desperate to get out of this place. I've associated all negative things to it.
I feel so helpless in every regard and sometimes, I am immobilized by my uncertainties that I barely have the will power to pick up a pencil or get off my seat to go places. It's just an awful feeling really.
I know it sounds like I'm about to give up and sometimes I really wish I would but I've got a really stubborn resolve to kick ass harder, hardest and it just won't let me rest.
Sigh
I'm such a complexed person.
Most of that probably made no sense to you but for all it's worth, it's made me come to terms I suppose, with the state that I'm in. I only have myself to blame but I hope later on I'll have only good to write about
Tchocky
Oh and don\'t ever blame yourself for the curbballs life throws at you! You\'ll make it through somehow :)
I\'m not going to go into a big long spill about the \'you can do its\' and the \'everything will be fines\'. You already know that. Basically, I wanted to tell you that life is hard. Life isn\'t fair and it sucks. Life is also what you make of it. There\'s a lot of times when I want to give up. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I wonder if I\'m ever going to graduate school and actually start making money instead of going bagillions of dollars into debt just to hear all of the negative stories of people who can not find jobs with my degree. It sucks.
However - I know that Im not going to be one of those people. How do I know that? Because I too have a stubborn streak that just will not let me stop. That stubbornness you\'re talking about is called determination. Your environment sucks. The people around you right now suck. Everything is just so blah for you right now and you not what you need at all. I understand that completely.
If you can wake up everyday and write down one thing you\'ve learned about life from the day before, you\'re ahead of 95% of the people in this world. It takes an intelligent person to see when they\'ve made a mistake, admit the mistake, and learn from it. Curveballs are simply life\'s way of making you stronger. You know that. Take those curveballs, sweetie, and knock em outta the park. You have the ability and you have the determination. Just find your drive. Set small, achievable goals for yourself each and everyday. I know for me reaching a goal is so rewarding because when I lay down at night I can say, \'I\'ve achieved everything I set out to do today.\' and I find comfort in that.
Don\'t let life get you down. You\'re too beautiful, intelligent, caring, open, honest and respectful. Those qualities are few and far between. Your man loves you and you love him. That\'s what matters. Distance is hard. Find a way to set a small goal you can achieve to see him more often. Im here if you ever need me. I love you sweetie. :)