ugh
I'm feeling kinda shit...
I have been really sad lately, all my friends are leaving Kingston after this summer.. well.. miggies is coming back.. but I'm really really sad to see them go.. Julia, Rob, Amish... I'm particularly sad about Amish because I'll see Julia again in Toronto but Amish is someone I consider as close to me as family..and his family recently moved to Ottawa for career reasons and then he applied for an MBA in various far away schools.. it's got me really down.. especially since he was my solid rock for all my years of university.. even the times when we weren't talking because we were in a tiff.. it's one of those things where you can throw HUGE temper tantrums because you are so comfortable.. like family.. again...
Recently, I made Mani feel second rate to Amish.. which is horrible.. I inadvertently suggested that that was the case.. that wasn't waht I meant at all.. I feel torn.. like I have to choose but I know I don't have to.. cuz I love them both but not so that anyone should find my intentions questionable.. it's so hard to explain.. I develop very weird attachments to everyone in my life, however briefly they may be in it.. I think what I do is, I define myself based on the people and friends I know and love and whenever one leaves my life, I often find myself thinking about them and wondering who I am now that they are gone... I seriously don't know what I'm going to do without Amish next year and it's got me very upset and confused... At the same time, I'm soooo excited because Mani might be studying in Canada and I really really miss spending time with him. I miss him more than anything in the whole world.
Next year, is going to be completely different.. I will be older, more mature.. working on my masters.. working on my life aspirations.. I won't have Amish to walk me when it's dark or just be there for me when I need, I won't have Julia to pig out on take out with and none of my other gfs like to eat food for some reason, I won't have Rob to be the joker that he is and just liven up every party... Even Dustin will be gone.. and he's the boy I get together with when everyone else is gone! .. I don't feel that guilty about Dusty,.. he's a sweet one.. but alllll flirty.. so I'm not sure if his intentions are pure friendliness.. I think I'm the friend he likes to flirt with when he's bored..you know what I mean? He's devoted to his girlfriend though.. He's entertaining when I'm bored.:P
I'm scared of all the changes that are happenign around me.. my sister Wendy is going to go to Korea to teach English for a year.. my little sister wants to follow her there for the summer just to see out baby cousins and shop but I told her to apply for a research lab technician position for undergrads to further her med-school aspirations.. she is ONE SMART COOKIE.... 4.0 and going strong..
Anyways... I think I'm becomign traumatized by all of this.. I've been anxious about my pending GRE exams which will determine whether I will be coming back for my Masters in September.. I'm frozen with anxiety that I haven't been able to study for an exam that I have in 2 days even though I've had an entire week to study for it!
I hate it when people leave my life,... I just fall in love with everyone.. even bitchy people who I can't stand.. I even think about them and wish them well...
Well.. I guess I've just vomited enough of my worries onto public space for one night.
I hope you are all well
tchocky
I have been really sad lately, all my friends are leaving Kingston after this summer.. well.. miggies is coming back.. but I'm really really sad to see them go.. Julia, Rob, Amish... I'm particularly sad about Amish because I'll see Julia again in Toronto but Amish is someone I consider as close to me as family..and his family recently moved to Ottawa for career reasons and then he applied for an MBA in various far away schools.. it's got me really down.. especially since he was my solid rock for all my years of university.. even the times when we weren't talking because we were in a tiff.. it's one of those things where you can throw HUGE temper tantrums because you are so comfortable.. like family.. again...
Recently, I made Mani feel second rate to Amish.. which is horrible.. I inadvertently suggested that that was the case.. that wasn't waht I meant at all.. I feel torn.. like I have to choose but I know I don't have to.. cuz I love them both but not so that anyone should find my intentions questionable.. it's so hard to explain.. I develop very weird attachments to everyone in my life, however briefly they may be in it.. I think what I do is, I define myself based on the people and friends I know and love and whenever one leaves my life, I often find myself thinking about them and wondering who I am now that they are gone... I seriously don't know what I'm going to do without Amish next year and it's got me very upset and confused... At the same time, I'm soooo excited because Mani might be studying in Canada and I really really miss spending time with him. I miss him more than anything in the whole world.
Next year, is going to be completely different.. I will be older, more mature.. working on my masters.. working on my life aspirations.. I won't have Amish to walk me when it's dark or just be there for me when I need, I won't have Julia to pig out on take out with and none of my other gfs like to eat food for some reason, I won't have Rob to be the joker that he is and just liven up every party... Even Dustin will be gone.. and he's the boy I get together with when everyone else is gone! .. I don't feel that guilty about Dusty,.. he's a sweet one.. but alllll flirty.. so I'm not sure if his intentions are pure friendliness.. I think I'm the friend he likes to flirt with when he's bored..you know what I mean? He's devoted to his girlfriend though.. He's entertaining when I'm bored.:P
I'm scared of all the changes that are happenign around me.. my sister Wendy is going to go to Korea to teach English for a year.. my little sister wants to follow her there for the summer just to see out baby cousins and shop but I told her to apply for a research lab technician position for undergrads to further her med-school aspirations.. she is ONE SMART COOKIE.... 4.0 and going strong..
Anyways... I think I'm becomign traumatized by all of this.. I've been anxious about my pending GRE exams which will determine whether I will be coming back for my Masters in September.. I'm frozen with anxiety that I haven't been able to study for an exam that I have in 2 days even though I've had an entire week to study for it!
I hate it when people leave my life,... I just fall in love with everyone.. even bitchy people who I can't stand.. I even think about them and wish them well...
Well.. I guess I've just vomited enough of my worries onto public space for one night.
I hope you are all well
tchocky
