Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon

Apr 30, 2006 at 02:41 o\clock


we will next correspond when I write to u all from Toronto.. oh yah!

Apr 26, 2006 at 06:52 o\clock


Just wanted to share, that for my next two exams pending in the next three days...
I AM SO *expletive* !!!!!!!!!!


I miss mommy and daddy :(

GOOD NEWS: my bf is the sweetest thing EVAR! HE'S so a love starved puppy
*miss u mani*

Apr 25, 2006 at 07:15 o\clock


I'm feeling kinda shit...
I have been really sad lately, all my friends are leaving Kingston after this summer.. well.. miggies is coming back.. but I'm really really sad to see them go.. Julia, Rob, Amish... I'm particularly sad about Amish because I'll see Julia again in Toronto but Amish is someone I consider as close to me as family..and his family recently moved to Ottawa for career reasons and then he applied for an MBA in various far away schools.. it's got me really down.. especially since he was my solid rock for all my years of university.. even the times when we weren't talking because we were in a tiff.. it's one of those things where you can throw HUGE temper tantrums because you are so comfortable.. like family.. again...
Recently, I made Mani feel second rate to Amish.. which is horrible.. I inadvertently suggested that that was the case.. that wasn't waht I meant at all.. I feel torn.. like I have to choose but I know I don't have to.. cuz I love them both but not so that anyone should find my intentions questionable.. it's so hard to explain.. I develop very weird attachments to everyone in my life, however briefly they may be in it.. I think what I do is, I define myself based on the people and friends I know and love and whenever one leaves my life, I often find myself thinking about them and wondering who I am now that they are gone... I seriously don't know what I'm going to do without Amish next year and it's got me very upset and confused... At the same time, I'm soooo excited because Mani might be studying in Canada and I really really miss spending time with him. I miss him more than anything in the whole world.
Next year, is going to be completely different.. I will be older, more mature.. working on my masters.. working on my life aspirations.. I won't have Amish to walk me when it's dark or just be there for me when I need, I won't have Julia to pig out on take out with and none of my other gfs like to eat food for some reason, I won't have Rob to be the joker that he is and just liven up every party... Even Dustin will be gone.. and he's the boy I get together with when everyone else is gone! .. I don't feel that guilty about Dusty,.. he's a sweet one.. but alllll flirty.. so I'm not sure if his intentions are pure friendliness.. I think I'm the friend he likes to flirt with when he's know what I mean? He's devoted to his girlfriend though.. He's entertaining when I'm bored.:P

I'm scared of all the changes that are happenign around me.. my sister Wendy is going to go to Korea to teach English for a year.. my little sister wants to follow her there for the summer just to see out baby cousins and shop but I told her to apply for a research lab technician position for undergrads to further her med-school aspirations.. she is ONE SMART COOKIE.... 4.0 and going strong..

Anyways... I think I'm becomign traumatized by all of this.. I've been anxious about my pending GRE exams which will determine whether I will be coming back for my Masters in September.. I'm frozen with anxiety that I haven't been able to study for an exam that I have in 2 days even though I've had an entire week to study for it!

I hate it when people leave my life,... I just fall in love with everyone.. even bitchy people who I can't stand.. I even think about them and wish them well...

Well.. I guess I've just vomited enough of my worries onto public space for one night.
I hope you are all well

Apr 21, 2006 at 06:44 o\clock


By the end of this week, I was a wreck, buying 4- packs of redbull and drinking them while walking to all my destinations; other three cans faithfully at my side in a plastic bag waiting to be drunk. It's like I'm coked up.. but worse! This red bull is seriously some crazy stuff... i don't advise you start but if you did it's REALLY good!

Let's start with some ok news. Bad news first: U of T didn't accept me into their Msc. program in Toronto because it's way too competitive and I was competitng against people with field experience...
Good news: I'm conditionally accepted into Queen's Epidemiology Msc.. whahoo! I just need to score a 620 or above on the GRE's quantitative section ( which is the math bit, which is good cuz math is my forte, not verbal reasoning.. as hard as it might be to believe) and I'm in! All other parts of my apps were good :)
I'M SO HAPPY! The anxiety is off me.. cuz, I know that I'm going somewhere next year! YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY...ok.. seriously shouldn't jump the gun here.. still need to write the GREs..
My friend Miggies ( that's what we call her) wants to live with me next year cuz she's coming back to kingston ( whaoooohooo!) .. I have no reservations although I know many people think I should, about living with miggies.. she's SO FUN! A total country girl.. when a country girl like her and a city girl like me mesh.. it's super fun and cool!   I know however, there was this huge incidence at the house where I had lived in 2nd year and moved out with Amish so then Ivy andRob moved in with bri, brad and miggies.. miggies gets uncontrollably drunk and once she brought home this guy who later walked into ivy's room naked and assaulted her and tried to take her clothes off.. ivy freaked and then pushed the dude down the stairs and it was HORRIBEL to put it lightly.. I'm not sure if police got involved but you get the pictgure... so EVERYONE   was really upset at miggies.. I felt bad for her but it was kinda irresponsible bringing home a random from a bar.. i never would and really it's one's prerogative but you never know what loonies you'll end up with. The real big thing she did to piss people off was to let a homeless dude sleep on her floor the following week cuz he begged her for a place all the way home one day :s... ivy was so offended, flabbergasted .. i don't blame her a bit.. if I were on the receiving end of the assault I probably would have been furious at miggies...she has that small town mentality.. just friendly to everyone.. coming from the city.. i think this thinking is MENTAL. to say the least..

I will take one thing away from the whole situation though: always buy room locks... always.

i feel bad for miggies.. she's not a bad person, she's just TOO nice and sweet and trusting.. she made  A HUGE judgemetn error and now everyone will be wary of her judgement when drunk  (she also drinks excessively and I remember not being able to push her up the stairs by myself during the many years we were all together.. the boys always had to help me take her upstiars and put her in her bed) she gets uncontrollably emotional too.. all her insecurities and sadness floods out. I really reallylove her though! And I really hope we can live together.. thing is.. I really want to get an apartment at Princess Towers.. then I won't have to deal with rodents and such... but I am worried that miggies and perhaps rob if he's back for law school next year, will want to search for cheaper accomadations.. ie.. DIRTY NASTY ASS SHIT HOLE PIECES OF FECES that are advertised as student housing.. these fucking landlords are all highway robbers.. all of them con artists.. i hate them! I HATE RODENTS!!!!!

Anyhoo, I have many friends who lived in these nice apartments whose apartments might be available for rent when I come back  (OH MAN I NEED TO GET ON THAT STUDYING FOR GRE!)

I hope I do well enough!
I hope everything is going smoothly for everyone else too.


ps.. i remember Mey and Shelly always saying encouraging things during my anxious wait for news.. thx for believing in me, it felt nice to have people send me good thoughts! mmwa

Apr 16, 2006 at 16:17 o\clock

ok Shellbug.. you got me

1. Pick up the nearest book from where you are, open to page 18 and write the fourth sentence
 from the top:

 no statistics that work for global alignments ( apparently), can compare to computer generated populations of similar composition and length

2. Stretch your left arm as much as you can.... what can you touch?

Picture of me, Brianna and Renee on the wall on my right
My Diesel hat with my left

3. What is the last thing you watched on television? The JUdds.. a documentary

4. Without checking, Guess what time it is: 9 am 5. Now check. What time is it? 10:05 am :s

6. A part from your computer's noise, what other noise can you hear?

Thom singing I might be wrong

7. When did you go out last and what did you do?

 I drank myself to death with red bull and studied

 8. Before starting this questionnaire, what were you doing?

 putting cream on my face and reading Shell's blog

9. What are you wearing? baby blue shirt with white sleeves and a white hood..and grey track pants

10. Did you dream last night?

hells no... who has time to dream? who has time to sleep? if you do, don't talk to me

11. When's the last time you really laughed?

yesterday.. at nothing... going crazy off redbull wiht my friend nana.. at the bleakness of our prospects of doing well on not-so-distant exams

 12. What are on the walls of the room you are in right now?

white and Radiohead posters

13. Have you see something strange today?

my hair

14. What do you think of this questionnaire?

takes longer than I thought it would!

15. What's the last film you've watched?

 omg.. the pink panther.. how AWFUL

16. If you become a billionaire overnight, what would you spend your money on first?

tickets to see Radiohead.... on every concert this year around the world...

17. Tell us something we don't know about you.

 I guess there is a lot... I have an intense fear of walking out in public without someone with me for fear of being accosted by a looney and assaulted.. jeez.. not very original
 I'm always analyzing things, people, and they wouldn't even know it

18. If you could change one thing in the world, apart from politics, what woudl it be?

apart from politics? But everything is politics.. poverty to the environment.. I guess I would ask the world to be rid of violence (to anyone) and oppression towards women and children

19. Do you like dancing?
yes !!!!!!!

20. George Bush:
 is mildly retarded

21. If you had (had) a girl first, what would you have called her? erm........................................................... I didn't think about this!

22. If you had (had) a boy first, what would you have called him?

Thomas Edward Yorke Jr.

23. Have you thought of living in a foreign country?
yes.. the uk.. SPECIFICALLY oxford.. to stalk Radiohead.. haha.. I portray myself very one-dimensionally on this blog don't I?

24. What would you like God to say to you when you walk through the gates of Heaven?

ilovetchocky: What was the point?
God: (answer)

25. Who do you think will copy and paste this questionnaire onto their blog?

Name 4 people: Everyone I would have said has already done it I think

peace out

EDIT: i would name the girl after my mom

Apr 12, 2006 at 12:23 o\clock

I have a really sweet bf :D

I had a bit of a tiff with mani the other day.. he kinda got irrationally upset over a very stupid topic.. I'm so dumb, I should have known that there were much mroe deeper issues.
You'll all think I'm horrible for this next part.. recently I reforged a friendship with my ex who consequently happens to be one of my greatest friends. It's a complicated idea but it's totally platonic. In my attempts to normalize this friendship to Mani, I had inadvertently suggested that this friendship took precedence over my relationship to him.. that is DEFINITELY not what I was trying to drive at all.. i was trying to establlish that his friendship meant as much to me as my other friendship with my other best friends and that it would be unacceptable for him to be against it because it would be for no reason at all. My ex is always considering Mani's feelings. He's a really honourable dude, that one.

So I opted not to talk to Mani until I got an apology.. two days!Then I got a greeting card from him to wish me luck on my exams as if nothning happened at all.. I finally called him and berated him unfairly ( I think I told him he was mentally challenged in relationships.. in worse terms.. when really I am mentally challenged...period), .. i realized how unfair I had been to him after he got a chance to defend his actions and I felt like such a fool.. I hate it when I make him feel like shit. All he does is show me how much he cares about me and I am ungrateful sometimes. I'm glad we cleared the air again, I miss seeing his face. He's so cute. He told me that he missed me a lot and it made him feel so void not talking to me. He said I was always in his head while he was spending time with his siblings and that he felt like he couldn't live without...then he stopped here cuz soemtimes he gets knots in his throat and sometimes he hates giving away that he likes me so much :) hehe.. so I finsihed the sentence for him and I said," MEEEEEEE!" then he let out a little laugh and said, "yes, you"

It's really cute.. he's so puppy like. He was actually a bf his ex-gfs would classify as insensitive.. (i.e.. he waas a self admitted jerk to his exes) I hope they got to see this softer side of him at one point.. otherwise they totally missed out on what a sweetheart they had.

I think I'll go visit him in Belgium this summer before he moves to Canada PERMANENTLY! (is what I'm hoping for anyways.. still waiting for that acceptance letter).. his parents are moving to Casablanca for a couple years and he wants me to come when they go there! YIPPEEEEEE! THAT IS SO AWESOME.. I'll be soaking in the sun at Casablanca baby! Gorgeous gorgeous! He's so lucky! I'd also get to meet his brother's gf on the trip :D

Anyhoo must go now!

Apr 10, 2006 at 03:15 o\clock

Accepting truths.. first step to improvement

I just had an awesome weekend, some friends came down as a surprise and it was fantastically fun! My friend Bri's bf's housemates' party was really fun.. we didn't even go to a club afterwards. We came back to my place after we ordered 6 boxes of pizza and brought our beer back and I'm afraid my housemates were woken up by their loudness! But it was sooo fun! I was wearing my 3 inch heels but now my feet are KILLING me! At the pizza place,these three guys offered to massage my feet when I mentioned to Bri that my feet were hurting.. it was quite amusing ..but probably not so amusing to Mani.

One thing that was kinda a bummer was that we had to hide the fact that Bri was coming up because Ivy, who lives iwth Rob and Amish, had a falling out in the summer with Bri and is violently opposed to Brianna coming down, being included or mentioned in her presence really.. it's actually really quite sad,.. she's managed to become this really angry bitter girl who blames everyone else for everything and fails to take her own actions into consideration.. and now her two friends that she managed to keep from isolation are getting fed up with her behaviour.. it's sad to see her spiral in this anger.. but in the end, everyone agrees that she did this to herself with her unreasonable vengefulness and her intent on sticking it to the world.. that kind of hate is not easily masked.. people can always sense it. Hence, her inability to find love ( a large source of her anger).

 What's really upsetting to see is that she's resorted to game-playing, such as excluding people and making it known to that person that they've been excluded.. and friends are caught in the middle of all this game playing inadvertently. Such actions don't really prove her point. They only make her seem a bit immature and it makes me feel sorry that she's in so much denial of the truth about herself, that she's resorted to elementary school tactics to prove a mute point.Often such games are a result of refusing to believe or accept something that is already known deep down inside.. Granted, people have played this game in response (which is never nice to see) and granted she's not the only person who can be accused of such a thing. We've all been there.

I really do want the best for her in the end. Everyone deserves to be happy. However, I firmly believe that unless she is true and honest to herself about a situation without manipulating the situation in every possible way that she sees fit and acceptable to admit to herself, the situation will only worsen for her and people all around her will only suffer worse for it. It's such useful advice that I would offer in all sincerity, but more than likely, she'll make it known that the advice is unwanted, further perpetuating denials and excuses to allow herself to come to a false conclusion; false conclusions she may be better able to swallow and accept.

Bottom line, instead of searching for explanations or methods to numb the realities, find the truth, admit the reality (even if you end up not liking aspects of yourself), and work and resolve to get past it.


Apr 8, 2006 at 09:46 o\clock


Whenever I screw up my sleep patterns I feel so weird and emaciated... this stress on my body can't be good for me. Today was last day of classes. I spent the night at a midnight shit which consequently didn't even happen to be mine.. my computer is MESSED UP and with a 15% assignment due the next day and the library closing at 2 am, I followed Amish to a midnight shift and stayed up til 8 freakin am typing. Although around 5am we got loopy and couldn't even speak to each other cuz we incoherent!
I wanted to let you guys know that I have been following this thing on bbc radio 1 called one night with laura.. it's over now and i'm so sad but it was really funny.. I won't ruin who won ( although if you go to the site you'll see) but you should start from the beginning and listen to her childhood diaries and then Scott Mills' quest to find her a perfect suitor.. the guy I wanted to win won! He's a cutie. So goofy... oh I've totally given it away. IT'S GARETH! OK! GARETH! I Luv you! if I lived in the UK I wouldhave totally voted for him. Plus he's not as stoned as he appears.. can you imagine? a guy that calls the internet the "interweb"... is actually a computer science genius?
Was listening to the Lamacq show to see if there were any good bands out.. I like this one song by the Good Shoes called "Small Town Girls" but I can't find it ANYWHERE.. still small UK band.. hope to get a hold of it soon...
Can someone give me a link to host a picture? I want to put Mey's banner back up.. i screwed up my thing a while ago and i miss all my Radiohead pics.. :(
Anyways.. I better go now.. it's 3:42am.. I'm WIDE FRICKING AWAKE and my room looks like it's been hit by a tornado.. ugh.. I hate using that phrase.. it's so common.. lessee.. my room looks like....
I'll think about this later... I want to eat ice cream
PS Shellebelle.. missed u too :)

    EDIT: haha.. i wrote midnight shit... sorry luvs! supposed to be shift!

Apr 3, 2006 at 08:33 o\clock


staying up all night to finish this stupid presentation.. called mani ( it's 2:30am here so 8:30am over there) but he is sleeping cuz he was drunk yesterday.. argh! I wish he'd wake up to keep me company.. I hate being alone and studying.. I feel so desolate and upset

Last night I drank wine in my room to try and forget how miserable I was in Kingston... kinda like the song....

I'd have thought
that would time
thoughts of Kingston would leave my head
I was wrong
And I find
Just one thing makes me forget...
My lips were all stained purple and Amish was up so I pestered him for an invite.. we played poker and I won 10 - 2! he's SO UPSET.. even today.. hahaha.. and then Rob joined us and we talked about their Europe trip this summer... they are going EVERYWHERE.. Berlin, Athens, Paris, Madrid, Amsterdam..e tc etcd... Rob wants to go to all the parties that go until 6 in the mronign.. my friend Nana (who consequently is a Princess of Ghana) she told him of all the hot places in Berlin to go to.. they hand pick u from the crowd so you have to dress to impress and kinda be unique.. then u go to the after party and the after party parties... they are psyched~!! And I'm so jealous

But if I went to Europe, I'd of course be with my sweetie.. I'm just not ready to have Mani cross my ex yet.. even though my ex is like my best friend.. it's not that I have anything to hide.. it's more for my ex.. who I know is totally cool about mani but I am scared to ruin anything about the dynamics of our friendship right now... it's going really well and i want to maintain for a long time and when things are really settled I hope they can meet and be good friends. It means so much to me I have to make sure the setting is PERFECT.

I am overwhelmed with schoolwork but I have to keep trecking on.. I hope for a happy ending

Shelly.. I hate people like M but ur right.. she has problems. she's probably really jealous of u because you have such a nice bf and an adorable house and good people skillz and good grades... And plus everyone seems to naturally love you.. so naturally she wants to push you.. I'm glad u kicked her in the ass.. it makes me laugh.. puhahah

I'm going to try and wake up my bf again :P
Goodnight everyone!
tchocky pocky