I'm in a shitty mood... dunno why.. just shitty
Things are unraveling fast. I'm unhappy about a lot of things in my
life. I'm NEver usually unhappy. I'm a very optimistic person usually *
i know you would never be able to tell when I rant but it's the
unsugarcoated me that I subject my blogigo friends to*
I hate having a bf I never get to see except for over the internet, I
hate having to stay in this apt with girls I'm never going to speak to
again after I move out, I hate not being nearer to my family and
friends.. it just seems like i'm hating a lot of things and I don't
like feeling so negative.. because I hate haters! OMG I could rant
about one right now, but I just don't want to expend that much energy.
At a time where all I want to do is crawl under a rock and hibernate
for the rest of my life, I just can't let myself and feel that I have
to keep trecking on.. such conflicting feelings inside keep fucking
with my brains. Seriously, do these hard times EVER END?
Well as you know... or perhaps I didn't say, I messed up my
applications and they were sent past the due date so I have no idea
what I'm going to be doing next year. Not only that but one of my
reference letters did not go over too well. It seems that my prof did
not think I conducted myself professionally when I gave him thank you
gifts before he had written my letter ( which I totally thought he had
already written) but enough of blaming others. I have to be honest. I
am plagued with self doubt because perhaps my application will be
rejected since I simply couldn't contend with the pool of other
hopefuls. It's just such a maddening feeling. I used to be on top of
the world and I just keep toppling.
If I get into the program here, I'm really going to die because I'm so
desperate to get out of this place. I've associated all negative things
I feel so helpless in every regard and sometimes, I am immobilized by
my uncertainties that I barely have the will power to pick up a pencil
or get off my seat to go places. It's just an awful feeling really.
I know it sounds like I'm about to give up and sometimes I really wish
I would but I've got a really stubborn resolve to kick ass harder,
hardest and it just won't let me rest.
I'm such a complexed person.
Most of that probably made no sense to you but for all it's worth, it's
made me come to terms I suppose, with the state that I'm in. I only
have myself to blame but I hope later on I'll have only good to write