Yesterday I woke up sucking a lemon

Jun 25, 2005 at 05:58 o\clock

Is honesty really the best policy?

Mood: confused
Listening to: Ciara Goodies

Has anyone seen the movie Closer? It's about 4 gorgeous people who are involved in abnormally honest relationships. Only knowing too much info could have caused two people ( as screwed up as they were anyways) to break up even though they loved each other so much and probably should have stayed together.

The other day, I found out a fellow worker went into my blog that I asked her to erase off my history and spread things to other people at the desk. If you read my first blog, you'll find that I was sharing some guesses as to why my friend Ivy might have excluded me in a certain incident that occurred. The msg got twisted somewhere along the way and it was soon said that I was calling my friend Ivy ( also a coworker) some very mean things.

I'm a little annoyed at this. What I wrote was an isolated event that involved a friend. Yes, last time I checked, I was allowed to be a little annoyed at my friend and express my annoyance without people miscontruing my opinions as overall judgement calls.  But in this event, my honest opinion at the time was completely twisted and spit out as a venomous, malicious entity. That really pisses me off. Two things about this piss me off. That the girl would go and bring this to where all of us work without a single thought of consideration. Plus, if you're going to read my blog that I asked you to delete, and that would otherwise be posted without my real name being used, don't make it your business to decide who should find out about it. It saddens me to see that there was nothing better  to do than potentially harm a friendship.

Perhaps I shouldn't have written my thoughts.. but then what is the purpose of owning a blog if I can't get things off my chest? and is it too much to ask to get things off my chest harmlessly? It's as if the concept of ever being annoyed at your friend without hating her hasn't crossed the thoughts of a few.

In another case, where I believe honesty does pay off, is my relationship with Mani. It's not a normal relationship but it's lovely. This sweetheart of a boy flies from wherever he is stationed in this world ( as a diplomat's son) over to Canada to see lil ol me whenever he has time. And the bonus is, he's really cute. As you can imagine, this is not an easy relationship to maintain.  Although I am harsh because I am brutally honest to a fault, I think subsequent events only prove why I should always be honest. My friends say, I'm too mean to boys and that I don't consider their feelings. That is a lie. I consider feelingS sooo MUCH. but I DO NOT hold back my thoughts that would otherwise eat at me and potentially wreck anything nice. So I'm in a bind here people. Which is it? Do you prefer sugarcoated jargon, or the deadly truth. I think many people would be tempted to answer the truth. But I ask you to rethink what you say. For example. Would it really be better to know that a guy/girl you were seeing was having problems.. like ex fantasizing about your sister/brother/best friend or vice versa depending on your sexual orientation? Or would you simply want him/her to walk away from both your lives using another alibi? Or even worse. Would you want to find out that your friend's bf/gf was leaving them because they had feelings for you and thus putting a strain on your relationship with your friend that you had no control over?

Seriously after living 23 years of my life and firmly believing that honesty is the best policy no matter what, I am stumped and would like some feedback.

tchock disciple

Jun 23, 2005 at 10:31 o\clock


Awhile ago, Mani told me to take the IQ test. He said I wouldn't get higher than he did. I don't remember what he got but I got my results!!

Here it is

Congratulations, Sarah! Your IQ score is 135

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns. And that's just some of what we know about you from your IQ results.

Well, they got the math thing right.. or so I'd like to think... how do they figure i'm like Plato? Why not Euclid? or Descartes? Someone French! Not Greek? And if Greek why not Archimedes? Eureka baby yeah!

135 eh?
Not too shabby for this lil girl, huh Mani?

tchock brainer

Jun 23, 2005 at 06:39 o\clock

What's Your Expression Number?

What's Your Expression Number?

 Your Expression Number is 1

You have the skills to be a top executive or businessperson. But first you must develop your natural capacity to be a good leader. You are truly original - with a creative approach to life and a very sharp mind. You reach for the sky, and you have the potential to reach it. Assertive and straight forward, you have little need for supervision. You are self-confident, self-reliant, and courageous in your convictions.

 While you sometimes fear loneliness, you prefer to be left alone. A bit self centered, you may be hard to life with at times. You also have a strong dominant streak - which can push others away at times

Jun 23, 2005 at 03:02 o\clock

What is your policy on dating friends?

First I want to let Mani know that I don't have a secret message in the blog I'm about to write.. you paranoid android. But I'm really curious to know... am I the only person who thinks it's a bad idea to date friends? I've done both (friends and non-friends) and I just wanted to point out the drastic differences in both experiences.  I really strongly advise people to refrain from dating friends but there is one major flaw in dating not friends that cannot be ignored. Lemme try and explain.

For one simple reason only: It is so much easier.. SOO MUCH EASIER to end a relationship that started with a non friend.  I wondered why this is the case. And Ithink I understand why it was no problem at all for me to stop dating boys who weren't a friend to begin with. Relationships with non friends will always innately be selfish. It started off because you are attracted to the person. And anything you don't like about the person can easily be forgiven if they are that much hotter/ fun to be with.  However, because of the underlying selfishness of it all, you will never be able to fully 100% trust that any of their motives or actions are selfless acts of affection. There is no common bond of pure friendship established. And that might be the only truly selfless aspect a relationship might have to offer. Whatever the reasons for being together, whether it's conservative social status, unwillingness to be alone, sexual motives or need/desire to be in a position to love others it's all the same. Selfish.  If nothing at all, you can always console yourself with the fact that their feelings for you were selfish to begin with. Hence making the breaking uppage that much more conducive.

Dating a friend establishes that you really love that person. As a brother/sister, family as a friend. A kind of bond that you could quite possibly trust the other person with your life. Because nice things that you have done for each other in the past were not done  for personal gain within a relationship. It was truly an act of love and real appreciation. You don't keep friends that you dont' feel this way for.  Once you date a friend with this status already cemented in your life, breaking up with them, especially if you think it would hurt them is not an option anymore. Hurting them hurts you too. You don't want them to hurt, and that is selfless. You can make the argument that it is selfish if you don't want to hurt them to prevent yourself from feeling hurt. But my point is, to feel hurt at the prospect of the other person hurting is a selfless feeling to begin with. The only  reason one might  break up with this friend of interest is when it comes to a point that the thought of them living out the relationship in a lie is too unfair and sad to think about. Pity is definitely not the appropriate word although it may sound that way. You pity ignorant people, you pity poor people, and you pity lovesick fools who are not your friends, but you do not pity a person you care so deeply about. The guilt that you feel afterwards for having the audacity to hurt someone 100 billion times better than you is like nothing you've ever known. If anything, people should pity you.

Now while I state my case that dating friends is a bad idea, I wanted to mention that having that underlying pure trust and understanding that only friends can have in a relationship, might be the only way to have a truly fulfilling relationship. So to work around this conundrum, I have one simple solution:

When dating in your teens and the bulk of your twenties, date not friends.
When you reach a certain age where you want to get married because you selfishly do not feel like being alone, date a friend.. because your friendship might be the only pure thing in your relationship.. unlike your selfish motive for wanting that relationship. You know who y'all are.

I have to edit this part in because I didn't address the issue of being broken up with. Similarly, it would suck way more to be broken up by a friend than by a not friend, wouldn't it? Being broken up with by a not friend would only confirm what you try to lie to yourself about in the first place.. that it was a selfless relationship. PSSSHH. Being broken up by a friend would mean that they struggled with the issue and really felt that there was no hope in keeping the relationship alive, despite how much they care about you.  I don't have much more to say about that. But try to refute it. I dare ya.

That's all folks!
Next week: Why the constitution of marriage is a sham and just makes no sense at all

tchock loyalist

Jun 20, 2005 at 14:43 o\clock

Key to your heart

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

 In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

 Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

 Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

 In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

Find out about yourself

Jun 19, 2005 at 04:55 o\clock

Lighten up!

Ok, I'll heed to your advice and lighten the mood of this blog. Sorry if I scared anyone, it's not supposed to. My fangs only come out at night. I couldn't help myself.

 So here goes.. my pist list

9) Bad food. I thought about putting this as my number 1 but I realized there are more things that piss me off than bad food. Food is still food. And I rather love food. mmmmmm food!
8) Really rich people. I'm talking about REALLY rich people. Ex. I'm watching this show that replaced a slot reserved for The Fabulous Life of _____. that showcased the world's finest houses right? And it really urks me how people encrust the bottom of their pools with jewels I'd kill to wear for a second on my ears and how they have 40 bathrooms and how they have their own POWERPLANT powering their ridiculous home! ( I kid you not!) And the most expensive house in the world is in London. It's this Indian steel tycoon by the name Mattel. His house is ALL marble that was part of the TAJ-FUCKING-MAHAL.!!
7)  Cocky people.
Most people don't like these people. Not even cocky people like other cocky people. Some deserve to be cocky, like superstar basketball players. And some don't. Like once this guy tried to pick me up using the I forget it.. it was so pathetic but it involved him and something about owning a BMW. yech! And then HE was so insulted that I had the nerve to turn him down because I only get to drive my dad's Buick.
6)  When I lose something. i'M hopelessly disorganized.. maybe not as much as some friends ( aka Bri) but I'm definitely no Monica type. (like Di) I need help cuz once I lose something I end up looking for it for hours and I get sooooo upset when this happens and start taking out my anger on my bf. " WHERE IS IT?!?!?!" and then he calmly finds it... it makes me feel sheepish.. you know?
5)  Girls who throw themselves at guys. Ok. I know everyone has their own insecurities. But watching this happen honestly makes me so embarassed to be a girl. What kind of self-respecting girl DOES THIS!? And then it makes boys generalize all girls this way. Then when the guy I'm dating realizes I don't fit this mold he's so weird about it! Stop making us look so easy!
4)  Tom Cruise.  This is a new development. I think he's quite possibly the stupidest man alive. First, he fires his PR person, you know, the lady that managed to convince us for so many years that he wasn't absolutely crazy , puts his sister in charge, rambles on about scientology or alien-worship whatever you want to call it, brain washes Katie Holmes into thinking she's also a scientologist and jumps on Oprah's couch, a couch which personally, has endeared itself more to me than he ever has and then cuts his hair into a weird bowl cut to try and convince us/Katie that he's young and hip. HE' S SO ANNOYING! OH! and HE broke up with NICOLE! idiot!
3) People who clearly aren't black, that try to convince me that they are ... for example, Christina Aguilera.. and all the youth of Kingston and Toronto... FFS!  NO you do NOT LOOK COOL trying to be black! Only black people are cool when they are black!  And no matter how hard you work at ebonics.. NO ONE WILL BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE BLACK OK?? NOT EVEN THE BLIND!  If I were black I'd be SO INSULTED!
2) Coldplay/Bono and pretty much every band that emulates Radiohead and fails MISERABLY. SPAAAAAAAAAAARE meeeee and my fellow beings PLEEEEEEEASE... please ... *cowers and cries*
1) Liam Gallagher.. he is from the cesspool that is number 2) but he is the mother of  all number 2)s that can't keep his fucking mouth shut. It's not any other bands' fault that the band once heralded to be the next Beatles turned out to be a  joke. Now all you can do is talk trash  bands that outperform Oasis on a bad day. And Oasis trashtalking Radiohead is like Coldplay comparing themselves to Pink Flloyd... just NOT ALLOWED.  Shut the fuck up and write better music you crybaby. And get a new lead vocalist while you're at it.

So much for lightening up.. I talk too much

Ok thats it!
tchock fanatic

Jun 18, 2005 at 09:36 o\clock

Your Deadly Sins test

Mood: tired/lazy

Your Deadly Sins

Gluttony: 80%
Greed: 60%
Sloth: 40%
Envy: 20%
Pride: 20%
Wrath: 20%
Lust: 0%
Chance You'll Go to Hell: 34%

You'll die from food poisoning - and then the natives will feast on your fatty limbs.

What? You think you're an angel?

Jun 18, 2005 at 04:35 o\clock

Alright, I'll give you number 10.. Top Ten LISTED! top 10 things that piss me off

Mood: happy believe it or not :)
Listening to: something on the radio not by choice

ok I'll write ! yeesh!

I have to say first, I think I scared my baby sister and a lot of my friends with the volume of profanities I use in my writings. I never swear in real life. It's just hard to articulate my feelings on e-paper that I could otherwise get through in my voice or body gestures. I hope I'm not offending anybody with my cussing... that being said.. enjoy the fucking entry!

10) Men!

Don't get me wrong. I love me some Johnny Depp, some Michael Vartan, some Thom Yorke, some Mani (of course) but I blame men, as a species, for all the shit that's going on right now! The state of the nation,  war, the mistreatment of women abroad... you name it! I blame them for undermining our brains and I blame them for all of my girlfriends' insecurites and distorted body image issues. The other day, I'm watching TV and Kim Cattrall was having a mini documentary done on her right? And the entire show was paying tribute to the star for PAVING the road for all the women. I'm really happy for her, she really brought the idea that women over 40 have incredible sex to the forefront but a big fucking lot that's going to do for me in the future! Not every woman finds empowerment in filming softcore porn sex scenes every episode in a show that basically tells me that all women do is think about shoes and boy problems ( and I apologize to the crazy Sex and the City fans who want to kill me right now, including my sister Wendy) but come on! And this is not to diss anyone on the show, I actually think Kim is hysterical. And who doesn't love Carrie?  But it made me think.. are our only assets really T n A? Is sex the only tool for women to get ahead? What about authors, journalists, musicians who don't sell their body to sell records? Where is the tribute to them? OH no! Not on tv stations run by men. Oprah has the right idea honouring all those women whose accomplisments go unnoticed. And I’m not blaming those pop starlets for feeling the pressure to bare all, I’m just saying it’s fucking sad!

And don't get me wrong. I'm by no means a feminist. My most extreme feminist act is writing letters to the Mexican government telling them to fuck off for failing to protect the women workers down there (and now posting a blog on why it sucks to be a girl) . And I'm not sitting here writing a bitter letter because I have any issues about my own body. I know I'm quite lucky that I don't gain weight and I quite like my body except I could use an extra inch in the length department.. but do you see what I mean? Why should I feel that I have inadequacies regarding the length of my legs cuz it doesn't EXACTLY replicate the airbrushed images I'm shown on TV? My friend Brianna made a comment a few months ago that I found very interesting. She said it's difficult for women to separate feelings of self worth from acceptance from men. (Somethign along those lines) because every image we're bombarded with of beautiful women is a frame of how men want to view women. They project their perception of female beauty ( tits and ass tits and ass tits and ass..) and we watch it and we need to be it... ok.. maybe I'm not articulating this properly. But I thought about it and I thought SNEAKY! I totally didn't understand what she was going on about at first but Brianna may be onto something here! So don't judge me! Confident and self-assured girls can still be pissed off with the hand their dealt .. to live in a world run by fucking sexist loonies that undermine my talents and capabilities. My ex boyfriend Eric would contend that any woman who feels that things aren't equal between men and women in the world are a waste of breath and we have no right be to angry but he's a sexist ignorant pig too.

( I should also note before I’m bombarded by a million comments, that I know there exists nice guys whose intent is not to demean women, I’m merely saying don’t be a naïf, there is a sexist in all of us, even women on women and it SUCKS)

Oh and one more thing. There are so many pretty friends of mine out there constantly second guessing their beauty. I just want to tell you guys that you are sooo beautiful, inside and out! Love yousss!~ And all the rest of my pretty friends who know it.. i love you bitches too :P hehe

The next nine tomorrow.. happy?
tchock forever

PS. Mani thx for making me feel better today. You're a sweetie pie

Jun 17, 2005 at 03:57 o\clock


Mood: tired
Listening to: nothing

hahahahahahahahahaha.. these are so funny

Jun 16, 2005 at 08:19 o\clock

Top ten LISTED!

Mood: ranting
Listening to: that line " it's like that chall" from Mariah's song! argh!!!!

Jun 16, 2005 at 06:22 o\clock

Walk with Bri

Mood: tired, stressed, sad, grumpy, full and therefore happy
Listening to: Beanie man through my fucking window from across the fucking street

Dear Journal,

So tonight I went out with Bri for a little walk around town, we just happened to stumble past her bf's house and we stayed there and talked with him and his housemates Tom and Jordan. Later Kat came and joined us and I got to steal 2 of Major's beers. I thought one of the bottles looked like a Hoegarden brand that my bf drinks. I asked him and Major said, " DO I LOOK RICH?" and then he made fun of the way I held the beer bottle and "taught" me how to hold it properly! Even though I've been drinking for a MUCH LONGER time than he has! So then we talked until Tom's parents came to pick the crew up ( except me Major and Bri.) It was really fun. He was really stinky and dirty though because he had just played soccer. His team lost. So while he was in the shower, I played alllll the instruments in the house. They were all tom's he's sooo cooooool! And hilarious. I played the banjo, Ukelele, guitar.. it was funnnnn.. And then after, me, Andrew and Bri went to go rent Andrew some movies cuz he;'s pulling an all night at Jean Royce. But before he left, he bought Brianna a sub and  me a slice of pizza!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh HOW I welcomed the FOOOOOOD! i'm like a starving student.. LITERALLY! SNIFF... that slice means so much to me. I promised Major that next time we're working together, which is next week, I'd take care of the food arrangements.. but I dunno how i'm going to do that as I'm BROKE.  but it's like 12am and today was another very unproductive day. But it was fun. It's the first time I've hung out with Bri and her bf by myself and it was quite fun, not as awkward as I expected, considering I'd be a third wheel. I wish my boyfriend, Mani was here. I'd have so much fun with him during the summer. Oh, Bri also got pics developed from when we went to her cottage.  There is this one pic, where eveyrthing else about me looks right but I have smudges all over my face cuz me and Amy got too much smoke on our faces from the bonfire cuz we sat on this high rock and all the fire started to spit our way.. hahaha.. it was funny. Ivy is out with Ella tonight at Elixir. You know, she asked Amish and Bri to go to Elixir right infront of me today cuz me and Bri ran into her and Amish coming back from playing baseball. Ivy may tend to seem exclusive sometimes but I don't really take it personally. I don't think she has anything against me, I think she's insecure sometimes and it makes her a little more secure to be in a certain circle of friends  that not everyone is a part of all the time. Many of my gfs do this. But I just maybe it was too obvious to ask only bri and amish when I was the only other person around, or maybe just careless. I wasn't in any mood to go to Elixir tonight anyways, as I promised Mani I wouldn't go clubbing tonight.

We also talked about how Ivy is going to Cuba soon with her little brother!!(lucky!) He's 19 now. The last time I saw him, it was briefly when he was only 17. Apparently, he told his mom he had a crush on me, and Ivy's mom told Ivy and then everyone teased me about it, Rob, Bri, Ivy (not Amish though he was my bf at the time). I think it's very cute when young boys have crushes on older women. Like Mani. His last gf was 7 years his senior. Something about that makes me think Mani is SOOOO adorable. Like a Timberlake-esque adorable. But I never imagined any 17 year old would find an old 23 year old  crushable. Although I suppose in all fairness I was 21 at the time. I can't even remember what it was LIKE to be 17... sigh.. time goes by so fast.

Sometimes I wish I could rewind to when I was 17. I think I would have done a lot of things differently. Already at 23, I have so many regrets, I'm worried about what it will be like for me when I'm in my 40 and by the time I reach my 70's I'll probably want to just kill myself.  I think I really need to think about my every actions. I think sometimes, I'm too reckless and I don't think things through. But then, what if I weren't and I always regretted not living recklessly and in the moment? I'm riddled with such insignificant thoughts, is it any wonder that I'm NOT studying as much as I should be? I guess I'm always trying to prove something to myself and always having it not work out quite as planned. I think I really need to smarten up. I admire my bf in a way. He's so independent and he's always in control of every situation. He's always prepared, tidy and organized. I think some people are actually just born with that gift while I struggle just to keep my desk tidy enough to write on it. Wow, I really don't want to sleep but I really must. I'm sooo tired.. and from just two beers. This sucks.

See you tomorrow Journal, Goodnight