I saw these two items yesterday and thought I'd post them here:
"9/11 - It's ok - The White House has explained everything
Dear concerned citizen:
We at the White House understand that you’re worried, but it’s time to go back to your television set, and stop listening to those crazy conspiracy theorists on the internet. Although it is true that newspapers provide photos of every crack-head who robs a 7-11, there are no photos of Arab terrorists because there’s no video surveillance in airports. Only convenience stores have that technology. There are no Arab names on the passenger lists because the terrorists walked onto the planes backwards, which caused airport security guards to think they were leaving.
The F.B.I. should be commended for confiscating and classifying all the video footage of the Pentagon strike, because if the enemy saw a plane slamming into the side of that building, all of our nuclear secrets and battle plans might be revealed. You should be grateful that they’re working so hard to protect you.
Please be assured that there is no reason whatsoever to doubt that 19 Arab hijackers attacked us on 9-11, because one of their passports survived the plane crash, the explosion, and the building collapse that pulverized everything else. The F.B.I. also found a copy of the Koran in the trunk of a rental car. Obviously those items tell the whole story, so we don’t need any more evidence. There’s also reason to believe that someone was reading the Koran when the Titanic sank, so history proves that we won’t be safe until we kill all the Muslims.
We also feel that President Bush took every possible precaution to protect the United States. Ignoring all the warnings and throwing NORAD off the scent was part of a much larger strategy designed to make the terrorists think they would succeed, but when the planes hit their targets, we killed ‘em good. Except, of course, for the seven hijackers who somehow survived. We obviously underestimated Allah.
Dick Cheney decided that nothing should be done about the plane speeding toward the Pentagon because since the towers had already been hit, he wisely assumed they would be bluffing this time. We suspect that the Pentagon strike may have been an accident rather than an attack. When the fighter planes were finally scrambled, they were sent in the wrong direction to confuse the enemy.
When the attacks occurred, our president made sure no child was left behind, by bravely standing his ground with a dumb look on his face until the pet goat dilemma was thoroughly resolved. Only then did he move on to the defense of the nation by running away and hiding. We believe he set a marvelous example of keeping a cool head under attack, which is very important because those children will be in the Army sooner than you think.
Regarding the collapse of the Twin Towers, there’s absolutely nothing suspicious about four-inch thick steel being melted into a liquid. Many top government scientists agree that a kerosene fire can melt steel. That’s why your kitchen stove is made out of wood. The Twin Towers survived a larger fire in 1979 because fire wasn’t as hot back then.
Larry Silverstien, who apparently becomes sexually aroused by a terrible loss of life, made the decision to "pull it" while watching the collapse of building seven. Investigators saw the crystal ball that told him to double his insurance weeks before the attacks, so there’s no reason to suspect that he had prior knowledge. There’s also nothing suspicious about Jack Abramoff giving Mohammad Atta free cruises and V.I.P. treatment on his casino boats in the weeks before 9-11, because 9-11 hadn’t happened yet. And on the morning of 9-11, C.I.A. director Porter Goss was having breakfast with the man who wired USD100,000 to Mohammad Atta because Porter Goss wanted USD100,000 too.
We were also very suspicious of the Mossad agents who were celebrating and filming the events from across the Hudson river, but we later discovered that 9-11 is a Jewish holiday, during which many observing Jews dress as Arabs, congregate near water, and lace their vehicles with the same explosives Moses used to part the Red Sea. Local Jews celebrate the exodus there every year on 9-11, and in 2001, they assumed the collapse of the towers was a sign from God.
The cell phone calls at 500 MPH and cruising altitude were made possible by a rare solar storm that ionized our atmosphere that day. This is also why none of the calls showed up on anyone’s phone bill, and it may also explain how debris from flight 93 levitated for six miles after slamming into the ground. There’s certainly no mystery there.
We also happen to be very proud of the fact that the ensuing wars have allowed Bush and Cheney to make obscene amounts of money. America needs shrewd businessmen who are wise enough to invest in the White House, because if not for bribes, extortion, murder and blackmail, we might have no government at all.
Please remember that reality TV is a lot less complicated than reality, and as an American, you should exercise your inalienable rights to idiocy and ignorance, and leave the rest of the constitution to us.
Sincerely,
Jolly Roger
Dept. of Public Relations, the White House"
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The American Flag
Charlotte Aldebron wrote this essay when she was 12, for a
competition in her 6th grade English class in Presque Isle, Maine.
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"What the American Flag Stands For
by Charlotte Aldebron
The American flag stands for the fact that cloth can be very
important. It is against the law to let the flag touch the ground or to leave the flag flying when the weather is bad. The flag has to be treated with respect. You can tell just how important this cloth is because when you compare it to people, it gets much better treatment. Nobody cares if a homeless person touches the ground. A homeless person can lie all over the ground all night long without anyone picking him up, folding him neatly and sheltering him from the rain.
School children have to pledge loyalty to this piece of cloth every morning. No one has to pledge loyalty to justice and equality and human decency. No one has to promise that people will get a fair wage, or enough food to eat, or affordable medicine, or clean water, or air free of harmful chemicals. But we all have to promise to love a rectangle of red, white, and blue cloth.
Betsy Ross would be quite surprised to see how successful her
creation has become. But Thomas Jefferson would be disappointed to see how little of the flag's real meaning remains."
That girl has more wisdom than the majority of American adults.
