D I S A B L I S M
Mood: Thoughtful
Listening to: Nothing
I've moved my blog to WordPress. This blog post can be found there.
I'm not usually stuck for words.
Normally I'm overflowing with observations, discoveries and commentary. There's something discouraging about the word 'disablism' - something slippery and out of reach. It's as though I don't have access to it even as a word. In my mind's eye it has a pale green glass surface and hovers coldly above me.
It can't possibly have anything to do with me - it's such a stark and unforgiving word, and I'm only me - daughter, sister, friend, neighbour. A real person with two cats and a mortgage.
I used to be 4, sitting on a boat in the sun. I drew pictures of fish, houses and trees, and played with Matchbox cars and Lego. When I was 6, I was in the Brownies - my favourite game was 'Traffic Lights'. When I was 8 I had a tortoiseshell kitten called Bluebell. When I was 15 or 16, my favourite pop groups were UB40 and OMD. In High School I was top of my class in English - people raised their eyebrows and told me deaf people were usually better at Maths. That didn't make sense to me and still doesn't. I scored an A in Higher Latin - the class only had four pupils and we got on really well with the teacher.
After leaving school I attended university and landed a Joint Honours degree, yet somehow I've been out of steady work for nearly 8 years. I'm only called for interview if I don't let on that I have a profound hearing loss. It's funny how quick they call me - suddenly I sound employable!
On one occasion they lacked caution and told me I couldn't have the job (working with computer files) because I was unable to answer the phone - even though this wasn't mentioned in the advertisement. I thought it was only about data input and filing, which would have been fine for me, if rather dull.
My sister tried for a job where she was told (at interview) that people were rotating the tasks. This meant she would occasionally end up manning the desk and dealing with the public. This was not what she applied to do, and she wouldn't have managed it as well as the others. So no job for her.
I was not taught sign language as a child and would probably be described as oral deaf, but that does not mean I find conversation easy - rather the reverse. Over the years I received negative vibes (from outside the family) about writing notes or using simple body language if communication became difficult. I eventually lost my courage, and mostly I don't expect it from anybody now. I let them talk, and move on.
About ten years ago I developed agoraphobia, which I suspect was caused by communication difficulties and stress. I learned how to handle it, but it adds to the difficulty of obtaining work. Every time my sister shows me a job advertisement, it says "you must be bright, breezy and confident."
"That rules me out, then," I say. "I can't possibly apply for that!"
"It's just employer burblespeak," says E, prosaically.
Maybe, but for a long time now I've been thinking there's discrimination against introverts. Don't get me started on that.
Sometimes I wonder which is really me - the person sitting quietly in a group situation, unable to join in properly and feeling a total prat, or the person full of talk (like here)? My own frustration and dismay tells me the answer to that. Like it or not, disablism does concern me. Much of it subtle and unintended, everyday stuff, shrug-off and get-on-with-your-life stuff - but it affects, shapes and restricts me all the same.
There are over 100 blogs and podcasts dealing with this difficult subject today - to find the others, visit Diary of a Goldfish. Her own piece is excellent.
