Rambling

saw a really good play today. It was about a young woman who wanted to kill herself and decides to sue her doctor for 'wrongful life'. Her mother had wanted to abort her and she had battled depression etc all her life. interesting, the freaky part of it was i could actually identify with her a little. Feeling like she couldn't talk to her parents etc......but not everything, there was just a line that i totally connected with during the play. 

It is a play about the first ever wrongful life case to get into a court in history - basically a case where the medical profession is sued for preseving a life that isn't meant to be. It's a little tricky to explain. But basically it is an issue doctors are going to have to face - influencing decisions and the quality and meaning of life.

But yeah, it was really good. I enjoyed it immensely. Told mum i was out with some people from work, but i was actually out with (L). Am getting tired of the guilt trip. I know she was sick and i did care, if i came across uncaring i didn't mean it - but like she says to me, you can't presume toknow what someone else is thinking, so she can't presume i wasn't worried about her. I love my family that is the whole point. I am just sick to death of things being so complicated with bloody dad and his wife and the cycle needs to be stopped somehow. If it's harsh maybe, but mum doesn't have to put up with the insults and I am sick of it.  It's not about money, but the way i get treated by them because of certain past events that i was trying to point out and ARGHHH.

She is at the movies, probably upset i didn't go with her. I am sick of feeling like i can't do anything right. It is had enough having to pick up all the pieces again without putting up with dads crap. If i am being stubborn, fine but it's gone on too long and i am fed up. He can sit there and tell me i am the one with the problem and be shitty about a phone call that i didnt even make that happend 8 or 9 months ago, I am not going to keep bloody trying if they are going to be so fucking harsh. There is no way in hell i am ever going to want anything to do with that bitch he calls his wife ever again. ANd if he is going to actually sit there and tell me i need to lighten up about them laughing that i can't bloody have kids then he has another thing coming.

Mum seems a little bored without (t) around. I dunno, she seems to take everything i do so personally. I just want to try and be myself, but i don't know who that is and she wont listen to me try and explain that. All I want is to establish myself.  You know, i was simply trying not to get under their feet, nothing more mothing less. Anything else they are infering is completely wrong.

I am making such an effort but it never seems to count and i get so fuxking frustrated. I wish i had never even bothered trying to explain myself to her at all and this shit wouldn't be draging out so long. it is exhausting. But you know what i don't think i have done anything wrong. I have tried re explaining my comments, yet i don't even think she believes me about what happened in Japan anymore. Because everyone's out to get me right. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WAS EVER EVER EVER SAYING FOR FUCK SAKE>

God damn it I am sick of trying to get through to my parents. It's a losing battle and giving up simply makes them think i am pissed off, no merely frustrated and want to be left alone.