Rambling

really not much to write, back at work again. feeling a lot more refreshed after my holiday/time off. as i said earlier a little nervous about christmas, but it will be ok.  write more later. 

Nothing out of the ordinary. Haven't heard or spoken to the family since the weekend/monday. In a way it is good - i have no distractions. I guess it's just going to take time. On a brighter note, work actually seems to be ok. Had a bit of a hiccup on the weekend, but other than that this week has been good. I guess I should accept i am simply not very out going. I dont need the family treating me like a pathetic piece of crap and putting unfair expectations on me and then getting pissed off when i dont meet these. But anyway. It is pointless re hashing the same shit. I am away from it now and that's what is important, i have time to actually focus on me properly. I still wake up crying about what happened with (j) though. I think I actually had feelings for him - yet at the same time I am baffled by the lack of remorse???? I just dont get it.

I don't deserve to be treated like this and I am at a stage where I am going to be a lot more picky about who I make time for and that is including family. I don't need it at the moment. I am 26 not getting any younger and I feel like I have wasted some of those earlier years because of all the stuff that's been going on. There hasn't been time for ordinary things like bloody hanging out with friends because I have always been too distracted to be interested in what's going on. It always sounds pathetic and immature to me in comparison, but that could be the wrong stance to take as well. I dunno anymore. I some ways i feel ancient in others (ie - sex) I feel completely clueless.