virgin
just something else i have been thinking about - i think that is partly what frieked me out. I still think about the night with (j) a lot. Part of me wanted him and another part of me was so angy at him because i knew he was being a complete bastard. I guess it was curiosity, and then i freaked because i didn't want him to know it was my first time.
I can't explain it, but i have never felt a really strong urgency to have sex. I mean yeah i am curious, but not like some of my friends or acquaintances who seem to want to pick up every week/ as much as possible. I guess it's hard to understand something you haven't experienced before ne....but i have always felt that i will know if its the right person or not. It doesn't need to be 'special', just someone decent and who is at least not fucking three others at the same time (stringing them along anyway) like (j) was. Yet at the same time i had never actually considered or wanted to have sex with a boy before, he is the first boy i actually felt even remotely interested in wanting to have sex with. What does that mean. The firt boy who has ever actually kissed me properly, ie - not in a forced or contrived nightclub situation which was basically a pash n dash. I hate being picked on about boys. My family did it and bloody (ta and am) did it at uni. (J) is actually the first boy i have ever hooked up with kind of properly (ie - he was the instigator) I think i liked the attention and found him attractive and he knew it and played on that and the fact that there was not a lot of other options in the town. He is the first boy i tought was paying some degree of genuine attention to me (one night stand yeah, but all the same....he wanted to sleep with me, he can't of found me repulsive). I think i actually fell for the bad boy act. It's not that i dont want to have sex, i just dont have the urge to sleep with everyone and everything i meet. I have always felt i will know when it is meant to happen. I wasn't upset at the time i was making out with him thoug, part of me was enjoying it. I wanted to know what sex was like and he was pretty persistent....i haven't felt that level of attraction before though. And i hate to admit it, but i was attracted to him. A lot. Just a shame he was a bastard.
Arghhh, i think to much. It is after midnight andi can't sleep. I keep thinking about it before i go to bed, which is not good. I am looking forward to starting work on Monday. Hopefully i meet some cool people there. I should call (L) tomorrow and see if she wants to do something. When is her birthday again? this weekend i think. Cool. A good opp to meet some interesting people. YAY.
