Rambling

yeah, still thinking and pondering. i am sorry if its the same shit being rehashed, it's certainly dragged out a while.  I haven't heard from (g) who i stayed in NZ with, which I am a little disappointed about. A little strange, but maybe she wasn't too impressed about my timing it, not that I actually planned to do it. It looks pretty bad though and I hope she doesn't feel used. I did actually like her and want to see her.

God, mum doesn't know half of this. I didn't even tell her I got picked on during the tour because I am trying to appease them. You see, I feel like I can't do anything. Mum's anxieties really don't help which is all I was trying to say to dad and that pissed him off because...blah blah blah.....oh i am sorry i even tried verbalising it. I really am. I shouldn't have.

But, my doctor says i am doing ok. She has been really good to talk to actually. Hasn't put me on meds, I feel better. It helps to have someone objective to vent to. She has put a clear perspective on things and it's good to try and figure out why i am having difficulties. I don't want to continue that throughout the rest of my life. The first 26 have been pretty hard. For once it would be nice to have peace, and no huge family crises to go through. We have been ripped apart enough and everything always seems to happen at once which just gets too much to cope with.

I guess that's enough rambling for me at the moment, not much else to add really. I think i have said this before, but i am not used to writing an electronic diary. It's going to be strange if and when i ever print it out or get it book bound. Not something i plan on doing straiht away, but i have kept a diary since i was 10, but i am writing in it heaps at the moment. Just shows how much thinking and shit i am doing. You see i wish i had employed this a little bit more on the holiday and in Japan, maybe then it would have been easier to keep my mouth shut about things a bit, but they seemed to have made up their minds to oust me. There wasn't much i could do about it. I just need to learn how to stand up for myself more. I love my family. It is great to be back, I am only sorry it's been under a slight cloud and at a time when mum and (t) were wanting the house to themselves.

Oh well..gnite for now. more later.