mistake
Had a quick drink after work with (k) last night and she brought up the fact i havent seen my mother in ages. She started rabbiting on abou how sad it is and blah blah which I started to get a little offended by considering she doesn't have any idea what the situation is like or anything about my family. I ended up telling her about my brothers suicide, what my mum said to the doctor, and the whole secrecy about the house and just how frustrated dealing with her makes me feel. She was still like oh you guys need to be locked in a room blah blah. For fuck sake, if I honestly thought that was going to be any help I would. But she blocks and disregards everything I say, it is like she doesnt want to acknowledge me as a person and that feeling is so hard to describe.
On the one hand she makes a huge fuss about me and oh poor....and on the other hand to my doctor it's "oh she's suicidal...she is so precious to me...." but to the family it's "oh she's angry about the house and blah blah blah...she's a bitch" when at the time i knew nothing about it. She lied to the family that i did know and there is just all this stuff floating around that I haven't done or said. It isn't true and I am fed up because people relate to me via her perceptions instead of actually listening to what i say. If I say I am not upset and then mum goes and says oh she is, then they will listen to her instead of me.
I didn't feel like going into it all so I just told (K), look it is too hard to describe but I don't need or want to be around it. I have enough trouble trying to get myself on track without the added complications of that shit. I just am not strong enough to deal with her.
I am regretting telling her any of it, but part of it was done to tell her to shut the fuck up about it when she didnt know very much about it.
Thinking about it, mum is the one who broke the communication. She has not had the guts to pick up a phone since i found out about various things.
(K) was then telling me to get my brother to mediate. I simply said NO. There is no way I am dragging him into this more than he already has been. A fair indication she has no grasp on the situation and how much history or hurt there is floating around in ths family that just doesn't communicate. Because her next question was Does your mum drink? I said yes (which she does a G&T or wine every night) and her response was oh you guys should go out.....
I know she had good intentions with these comments and they probably stem from a well wishing desire things would improve between my mother and I, but.....it does display a certain level of ignorance.
Maybe I am bitter I don't know. Part of me just simply wishes I had been allowed to be anormal teenager instead of having to shoulder all the baggage from mum and dad's divorce. Aside from that, I don't feel like I got any emotional support from the family when I did come home from the hellish experience with (t and j). I was still getting over almost being raped. But oh no, I am not trying to deal with that at all - No No, instead I am supposedly angry about the house, suicidal and accusing mum of being after dads money. For fuck sake. I just wanted to be left alone. It is something I am not going to forget in a hurry. All this going on and no one gives me the benefit of the doubt and asks me they simply listen to whatever mum says or lies.
Sorry if this is all sounding totally out there, but simply put frustrated deceived and hurt and disregarded is how I am feelings about it all.
I haven't made this break without considering the fallout. I know it is sad, and of course part of me misses my mother. But part of me is so hurt at having stuff thrown back in my face all the time and just not feeling accepted for who I am. Like I said earier, I am not strong enough to deal with her. Don't think my comments had very much impact on (k) though, but she left it alone eventually. "try and talk to her" and i was like , me trying to do that is what brought this to a head. She doesn't listen.
I do have to wonder what (t's) family knows about all this, it has been four months or so since I have seen them so it would be noticable by now and I never even got an acknowledgement from (j and r) when I sent them the card to congratulate them on the birth of the baby. Oh well. People know where to bloody find me. It is interesting i felt the need to justify it....
Anyway, I am sorry this entry is not lighter reading, but I needed to vent.
I am looking forward to my road trip. Although I am having second thoughts about hiring a car for it or not. May be safer to get the bus up......
I am going to the Boy From Oz next month as well which is pretty cool, looking forward to that. I also was successful in my application for the social committee at work as well which is nice. Found this out on Thursday. We will see how it goes. Time off the phones which ic cool, although I have been getting that a lot lately. We had a hoax I found the other day as well so we had to get the analysts to get it shut down. If felt good knowing that what you are doing is meaningful and important to the company and in this case the public.
