Rambling

It was good to start working again, maybe now i can stop letting the family shit get to me and it will blow over ne. Hope so anyways. We didn't do much for the first day - went over basic security info and privacy procedures, background info on the company, watched a couple of videos and had a look at some of the software we have to learn to use for the job. I had a headache afterwards and getting up at 5am with hardly any sleep last night didn't help. Man, I need to relax, hopefully I can do that now that I have started working. I also happened to see (D) on the tram tonight, didn't phase me too much, we didn't make eye contact, but she would have to have seen me, I stood up waiting for my tram stop long enough and there weren't many people. I didn't really get a shock when I saw her. I don't really feel guilty about what happened, I was pretty furious about being lied to by her. I guess it can't have been an easy thing to tell someone though, but still. I did try talking to her about it openly. I gave her a chance. I wish I knew what (L) thought about the situation because she brings it up occasionally, but I don't really want to ask her. It's the past and I would like to feel I have matured and moved on. Maybe she thinks I was a little immature, I dunno. She still sees some of the people I fell out with because of it all - one or two of them anyway.

It was good to feel confident again today. I met a lovely chick called (k) today and there seems to be some pretty nice people in the training group. About 20 or so, which is why we got moved to Mulgrave. Anyways, am pretty knackered, but yeah it was a good day. I want to please mum. She is sad that (t) is away on business. He will be back soon enough.

I have a feeling dad is upset about being told a few home truths, but I was at least HONEST about how i feel around him and his wife. Which is more than I can really say for him. I am sick of making the effort and never feeling like it's good enough.  If he can't be nice then I am going to stop wanting to see him, has he not noticed his own son doesn't even like coming to visit either. It's a little unfair to be so harsh on me for the same thing. He has been sick so he has an excuse right. no, it's always been that way for fuck sake. But he HAS been sick and probably upset i haven't been a lot of support - I wasn't here when he tried to commit suicide - I did ask if I should come home......

Sorry I keep bitching but it is with the hope of improving things. I don't like being pissed off with the family that is the whole point. Anyways, time to finish up. Enough crapping on. I have an early start tomorrow again. Doh. no, it's ok. Only 2 weeks and better than being at home with nothing to do. I realy want to improve my relationship with my brother as well. Ok, enough. Why does nobody love me except (L). I am a sad case. Maybe I should have LOSER stamped on my forehead - kinda like the movie yeah, but at least he stands up for himself, I get sick of having to do it repeatedly and every time i am exposed to a new situation i don't seem to realise it is happening because i am too distracted by everything else going on.

ALRIGHT. goodnight. Happier writing tomorrow, i hope.