Rambling

miss my mum. part of me feels like this is just really stupid. i would like to mend the rift. it is i suppose going to take a long time. but part of me knows i am the one being treated like crap here. She went behind my back saying i wanted to commit suicide. she is manipulating conversations to look like i am behaving badly and having a tantrum when i havent and basically hasn't made any effort to pick up a fucking phone.  if that is not a guilty consicence i dunno what is. She is the one who yells and screams she doesn't want me around and yet somehow i am to blame for the fight and it means i hate (t's) daughters because it happened before the eldest and her husband arrived for the afternoon. i am fed up with the games.

sorry need to vent and i don't reallyhave anyone i can talk to at lenght about this because they just would not understand what the experience of my mum is like.

She makes out that i am precious and special to her and yet will walk straight past me and ignore me at the wedding. respond angrily saying she doesn't know what i am talking about and not to play gameswhen i say congratulations about the house and then when i go to get my stuff writes me an email saying oh by the way i am selling the house you better get the rest of your things if you missed anything. She will tell my aunty about it while sitting next to me and yet hasn't actually told me directly herself and somehow this is all my fucking fault. She will then call me after the wedding and ask ME what is going on when she has not had the guts to pick up a phone since i found out about the house and wrote saying congratulations. Maybe i was a little vague but it is a strange reaction.

Not to mention the lie about out argument during her blood test oh i caught a tram, i wanted to call dad i broke the mouse we went for a walk with the dogs and i am awful because i am angry at them for selling the house when i have never even brought it up. Nice cover story. Manipulate the situation and intimidate me because i dont understand. Try explaining that to friends. And by now other family members have to have noticed the rift or that we dont speak anymore.

For a daughter who is supposed to be bloody suicidal these reactions do not make sense from her either. You would not cut out someone like that if you were so distraught that your daughter wanted to kill herself that you went running to her doctor. This woman is nuts. And still i catch myself missing her.

On a brighter note, my holiday is soon. And i caught up with my friend (L) she is excited about her man coming to visit. I didn't go into it much but she brought up the mum situation and it is hard to describe it to her and that made me question the situation a little, but now once i have written this down, i feel renewed validation which is good. I just said to her its hard to describe the experience, but i am fed up with being hurt and feeling like its my fault all the time. Its games and i am sick of it.

On a more exciting note, my site is underway. I seem to making some progress with my enquiries about registering the domain name etc. I will probably finalise this stuff when i get back from my trip once i know every single application i need to make i will be ready to go. Give it two more months and should be up and running properly. I could probably register the names and take down stuff i am worried i need permission to use first such as pics of luna park. But i am getting there. Glad i have some people to share it with. Dad is excited for me. Haven't said much to my brother. (L and K) are excited for me and people at work i have mentioned it to are excited for me as well. So on one hand i suppose things are ok for me at the moment. I feel happier mostly and less stressed and distracted at any rate.