Rambling

Nov 9, 2005 at 10:53 o\clock

crap

had a really awful realisation last night, now that i am.... - well now i have my own place anyway. I dont mean that to sound negative.

How can it be possible for a whole group of people to hate someone and for that person not to realise people are laughing behind her back and what is it about me that seems to invite it.  Not a single person in Japan liked me at all and that has really come to head. In terms of coping and learning the language i got a lot out of it, but i didn't make any genuine friends and i sucked at the job. Why couldnt i enjoy it at the time. Looking back the first visit was a great experience, but god. Two girls i thought were my friends fucking hated me.  

Might sound pathetic, but it is happening for a reason. Only a lot worse this time. (t and j) thought I was pathetic for leaving becuase of hooking up with him. if they'd been prepared to talk to me about it maybe things could have been handled a little easier.

In regards to (Je and K) Why didn't i pick up on this instead of focusing all my energy ona friendship with someone who hated me. I always seem to do this and i always dwell on things to long. I hate having waves of depression and i hate it when i am supposed to be all these things and no one ever asks me what I bloody want they just make up this image of me that is totally false and never end up really knowing the real me. I am not worthless and I really cant handle having crap thrown back in my face anymore. Why do people pick on me. I still don't get it do I.  I am not unusual looking. At 5ft I am short, but that is something I can live with I dont care. There has to be something I am doing that rubs people up the wrong way and I sure as hell dont need to deal with mum seemingly convinced that her daughter is mental simply because I have been hurt A LOT. She would have no fucking idea what i have been through. It is not her that it has happened to and she is always focusing on my brother, which while I understand and I dont, it would be nice to be able to have some NORMAL experiences like to be able to have had my mum and dad speaking at my bloody graduation and for the family to be at peace. We have been through enough. It's been really hard and I am exhausted. That doesnt mean that mum needs to take over and steal the limelight of my experiences by fussing over me which only irritates me.  Do I sound awful, I dunno. I just want the games and petty crap to stop. I simply am not strong enough to handle anymore stress or setbacks or letdowns. I am not getting any younger and I would actually like to meet a partner and have a relationship and someone to share things with, but i guess it's probably going to take a while until i am happy myself. At the moment I still feel like I am in love with (J) Its weird but I miss him like crazy. He knew ME. This is going to sound weird but at the time he made me feel like I was worth something. This reaction is totally confusing becuase yes i felt that but i didnt think it meant i wanted to have sex with him.  


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