Rambling

work seemed ok. kept quiet and to myself. just sat down and took calls and did my job. didnt need a team leader all day surprisingly enough. no unlock requests needed all day. I guess part of my problem is boredom and the monotony of the job..... they have been pretty good to me though considering all the fuck ups i have made. i was so new though i had no idea what i was doing. i am not sure if that was not taking in the training or if i am simply slow....i know what i am doing now. I suppose they would monitor me if it was a serious problem and i havent heard anything else. I will be in the bad books for the rest of the week though i suppose. who knows who cares. I think my problem is that i am lonely. all i do is come home to an empty appartment and go to work in the daytime. I dont have any interests at the moment outside of work. my website yes, but it is not helping me meet other people.... i have to say i am not fulfilled in this job. i want a challenge.....i dont want to be on the phones forever. Sorry. i hate to grumble, it is a good job really. I just wish i was doing better but that is the story of my life. Full time work doesnt seem to agree with me to well. Perhaps i do have an attitude problem. I got nice comments in my review though. Perhaps i worry too much and analyse too much. This is not a job I am going to waste tears on if it ends up not working out then fine, I am not going to bang my head against a brick wall and stay in an awful situation unneccessarily. On one hand i like the people, that is ok. It is an important yet very boring job. I seem to be making some friends slowly though. I can get past last nights humiliation. Perhaps i do need to take it on board i still think i should have been told off in private instead of in front of everyone. nevermind. Other than that, my site seems to be doing ok. I may add some stuff to it on the weekend, but for now it is cool. I am happy with the design. It is strange, i was happy the other day but now i feel empty. i miss mum. none of my family has seen me since i got back or vice a versa except for dad. Is that how it is going to be forever, i hope not. I am still very hurt but i miss her and wish things could be alright. I dont feel like i should be apologising though i am not the one making up lies and trying to be controlling, no i am the one who lets her blame me for everything. If i am a freak because i cant give her a granchild then i dont know who she is.