Tuesday.
Mum got the results yesterday and was a little better. I am glad she is going to be ok. Everyone is. She keeps saying her body is achy, this is from the exhaustion i guess. She was at the doctors today and they want her to have her ovaries removed next week. I think she is upset, but feels better knowing it's not cancer and its been found relatively soon. She said today she hates hospitals and i realized today, i have been to hospital a lot. My health has really not been good. Tonsils, Adenoids, Broken bones, teeth, turners - all the tests and prodding - check ups. The gastroscopy and testing which found i have celiac disease and the doctors visits in Japan -pneumonia/bronchitis, ear infection.....
I am glad mum is ok, she seems to be alot better about things today anyway.
We went to visit (t's) mum and dad which was nice. I was glad to see them. They still seem to be a bit worried about me though, which i can understand. but now is not the time to talk about it with them i guess. I just wish they would stop worrying. It feels a little patronising having everyone telling me "oh, you look well....."....I need to try and establish my self again. It is hard enough without mum telling the family and all her friends that i might be a mental case, neither doctor has actually said it yet. I am not alittle kid anymore, does the fact i went and sought counselling myself not speak for something? All i want is to foget about it and move on.
I was simply pretty overwraught because things DID NOT GET ANY SPACE. and if mum would listen it wasn't ALL NIGHT drinking binges, and at the time i did not feel there was a lot of other options for me. I did do my best to avoid them. It was alittle difficult when you get scared of what will happen if you do say no considering they had a history of violence.
One thing i know about me is that i have always thrived on my independence, maybe to a fault. It is one of the big things i loved about living in Japan. Being able to travel wherever i want, whenever i want and having everything (ie shops and stuff) so convenient and easy to get to. Not like here in Melbourne.
dad rang, he had forgotten about lunch today. I had a good chat to him about things, because i was upset that i had dragged mum into it when she was stressed about the blood test results. He thanked me again for "clarifying" things about the email. He said, yeah there had been a bit of confusion. He even said this and seemed relieved when i said i was paying for stuff myselt. So they had been concerned about money, but i really shouldn't have spent so much energy on worrying especially at a time when mum is sick, and i told dad this. I also told him i was worried i might be schizophrenic and that (t's) family know bits about what happened in Japan hasn't helped. He seemed a lot more sympathetic but said "if you are you'll get through it....there's a reason you are finding things difficult at the moment, but everyone makes mistakes...you've found out the job isn't for you". I started crying. He also said he didn't think i was schizophrenic, but he hasn't really lived with me for the past 15 years. I said to him "there has to be something to it. It is too many people...". he still didn't seem convinced. I don't know. But the fact he kept ringing me back (three times and counting) after me asking him if he was upset, yeah i was worried, but mum hasn't had the enrgy to listen to this and i guess she is not the right person to talk to about it and i shouldn't have said anything to her. But he is my dad, and like she said i need a realtionship with him. I asked dad why he hadn't talked to me about what happened - not only that but he didn't call me when he knew mum was going out of her mind. he said he was waiting for me to talk to him about it.
I gave mum a hug tonight and actually cried. Almost losing her, and the reality of how scared she was kind of hit home. I am hurt i can't talk to her about the sex stuff. The doctor i saw in Tokyo thinks it was abuse, but mum tells me to take responsiblity for my own actions. At the time it wasnt as simple as that. Now all i want is to get on with things and have that shit left alone. I don't know if this a normal reaction....
i have two more doctors appointments. She is helpful, but i am a little scared. She hasn't said i am sick yet, but i am guessing i am not well if she wants to see me again. Perhaps i just have a lot of history and baggage to tell before she makes the assessment, i don't know. It was interesting she said she wasn't sure she had been sympathetic enough to what i was telling her. Our last session was about dad and the family. She said she liked the way i talked about what happened and found me "engaging".
I guess tomorrow will be about the shock of this weekend.
