Rambling

Mum has just found out she may have ovarian cancer. So the family is in a bit of shock.  I rang to see if she was ok and left a message, she rang back and wanted to be picked up. I went with (t) to the doctors and to pick her up from work. She is in utter shock. The family has been calling to see if she is ok. I am upset but i dont think it has quite sunk in yet. I am doing my best to be supportive and show i care. She must be going through absolute hell with worry, waiting for the results. She's been really good to me. I know she worries out of concern but sometimes it's a little too much.  I cried alone in my room about it, but i haven't cried in front of her yet. I don't really want to create more worry for her. I want her to be ok, but i can tell she is pretty devastated and shocked. So is Tom.

SAT

I am a little upset today because mum seems to have upset dad and his wife again about money because of what happened in the past with my brother. I am also concerned dad has spoken to my brother about the boys phone message and the weekend and mum's email. The phone message made the realtionship with dad which was already strained bad enough without them worrying that i was asking for money again. So yes this was concerning me.

None of my family actually know ALL of what happened. They haven't really asked me - i am not sure why, is it that they are waiting for me to talk or do they just not care.  I did have other guy friends in Japan, i wasn't thinking they were all after me, it was only TWO that i ever felt a problem with, but i think at the same tiime i was a little curious.

I am tired and my brain is overworked, i am upset mum is sick and i am tired and frustrated at feeling like the mediator between mum and dad and her telling everyone i am mentally ill before i got home did not bloody help and dad reading the emails from mum saying how worried she was about me. She doesn't have the time or patience to listen to me at the moment which i am finding frustrating. No one here was in Japan with me.

I am not saying people are out to get me, its instinct and a perception of his reaction to what i said when we went for the walk to get the bread...at the time this comment was out of frustration. a 10 hour drive whilst on treanquilizers and just after a 10 hour flight and mum telling me to look for a job, the first night i am back in the country probably didnt help. "i can't deal with mum worrying so much, i have had to change the holiday three times so far. I pretty much had it booked and she wasn't happy..... and i would prefer to stay with grandma not (i and p). He was upset, i could tell, but oh i dont have the energy to try telling mum this anymore.  It doesnt even matter. What is more important is that mum is sick. I am EXHAUSTED which is probably why my mind is overactive none of the doctors have said i am mental. I am simply exhausted and have alot of baggage.

I am tired of being lonely and would love to have someone be there for me EMOTIONALLY for once.  I feel guilty thinking like this when mum is sick, because i love her, but i can't help feeling a little frustrated. I am not a baby, they don't need to treat me with kid gloves.