Rambling

Saw some photos on 'Face Book" today of (J). Funny all the little things that came back to memory just from the expressions on his face in some of the pictures, I can imagine little comments he used to say being appropriate to the situations in the pictures if that makes any sense. Have spent some of the morning crying because I am a little messed up. Sad he has died, also still angry and hurt about what happened in Japan and the fac the never spoke to me about it, apologised or anything......I still get the feelings of helplessness, embarrassment, confusion and anger and trappedness come back clear as if it was yesterday and thatmakes it a little hard to breath cos it is overwhelming.

I probably sound really selfish but some of the stuff on face book is beautiful, yet to me seems really fake and like they didn't actually know the real him at all. He was a crack head, drug dealer, who slept with anything in a skirt. He had no respect for me anyways and that is how I remember him. It's a shame because other people seem to have very fond memoriesof him and some of what they say is partly what I liked about him myself a first.  I just feel really weird. Gotta go only have 15mins to use the pc and its probably up.   I am sorry he is gone, and sorry for his family don't get me wrong. It's just hard to describe at the moment because it is opening wounds as well.